im sure no one will be surprised by this update but i once again had a discussion with my wife.

kids have been at my house last 2 weeks every night, so i asked if i could have a night without kids, i was planning on seeing a movie or trying to talk some of the guys from work to go out for a bit, or at worst go hang out with my mom and dad.

she was driving kids back to my house, and when i asked if she could either stay here with them or take them to her moms friday night she got mad. i had thought i had asked her several times earlier in the week, she thought i had not. she stated that she was getting up early doing a yard sale on saturday, and she still would have to come back and pick up kids sat morning as i work, so i thought, hey they would already be there, easy peazy. guess not.

we have been doing 50/50 with the kids for a while, we argue some about how she has helped me when i needed, i state the same saying i have helped her...

i had asked her to stay sat night and watch a movie, she said she didnt know, now she says i have an answer. no.

i dont think im mad at this point, not really upset, just kind of feel numb, i ask her what she wants from me, she says... i dont want anything from you.

im not using good I statements, im not using any conflict resloution. earlier in the day we talked about kids dinner time and bed time, she always thinks i make all the decisions, we are about a half hour off in what we both want for a bed time. i ask for her input, she makes some comments about how i didnt start being a dad til the last year and a half, and now i act all high and mighty about how my way is best for our kids. now i know i could have done more with my kids, but it hurts me a lot to have her tell me i wasnt even a good father, growing up, my belief system was the guy goes and makes the money, the girl stays home, its what my mom and any other family i can remember did. so to me, i thought i was a pretty good dad, i worked and made the money for the house. could i have done more around the house when i was off, absolutely!! but i thought i was at least doing close to my share. and on a second note, my oldest is 7, so a year and a half of doing the right thing with them, is a really big chunk of their lives. so to finish about the bed times and dinner, i suggest i can move up my dinner times, if she would push back her bedtimes a little bit. i was looking for 8 or so for the youngest, as i get home anywhere from 730-8, i could then see all my kids each day and help put them in bed when i get home. the answer i got for that suggestion of comprimise was, 'fine'. i even state, im not trying to steamroll you here, if you have any other thoughts or suggestions, or reasons why we should do it differently... still the same 'fine' response.

i know i always forget bits, we truly do talk or discuss too much. 2 last trains of thoughts...

somehow i get into asking for her to 'jump in' on this with me, and telling her i have changed a lot, i know i have more work, but if i could get some support from her it would help us grow together and to tackle all of these issues, she basically said she doesnt want to be my lap dog again. that is she were to try and support me, that she would just have to fall back into doing everything for me and nothing for herself. i try to explain that we both know we dont want to fall back into that, so we could stop it from happening, i know im beating a dead horse here, she doesnt see any change. heck maybe i dont show her change, i mean here we are talking... again.

last thought, we end up talking about what she needs or wants from me, she started in on how she barely has a car that works, no place to live, and started to get upset...

well i picked up the rope here big time, she has always blamed me for everything, even if i call her and her cell, she will blame me for the kids tearing up the house while talking to me, or well pretty much anything. and she is right, i played a huge part in how our life is right now.

either way, i said... "sounds like you are playing the victim still, i have offered you a house, we are exchanging cars, you have 3 wonderful kids that love you, a husband who does everything he can to support you"

well i had to text most of that since after i called her a victim, she told me F- you and hung up.

so thats where im at. she knows i hate being hung up on, and she has not answered my call last night or this morning.

i know i have not posted a lot here, but her and i have been playing this game for a 1 1/2. as much as i dont want to admit it, maybe i cant change for her, and she would be better off with baby daddy... i want her to be happy. would rather it be with me, but i dont know if she can see herself happy with me. i dont think i have enough time, specially since i still do not have control of my own self yet...