I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[25yearsmlc]

Tad,
idk what the letter said, but otherwise I tend to suggest for anniversaries, just a short note (roses if the w is on the fence) that says

"it's still worth remembering", which is always true, but esp true if there are kids from the m. The kids of the m are the focus at this stage, not the r itself.

Since she has filed and you say she doesn't feel you are "entitled" to ask for a delay, (IDK what that means. You are "entitled" to whatever your L and the judge and the law, say you are. Not up to her. )

But I can see what a 180 it would be for you to NOT reach out.

And how reaching out to her, in your sitch, would be a negative step. She would not react well to it. Don't fret about doing THAT ONE act or writing that ONE RIGHT paragraph that is perfectly worded that will turn this around....No one thing will do that. None of us can tell you what WILL work. All we can say is what tends NOT to work...

When my h felt he had completed his task, (or as I used to call it, his "secret mission",) it seemed to me that he lifted his head from the desk and looked up and all around and asked out loud to himself
"where is everybody? OH, at home 3000 miles away...I'm alone...OUCH b/c this sukks..."

I had a feeling it would happen after he felt he had reached his goal, which culminated in him taking the boards for yet another credential.

I was spot on. Literally 5 hours after he took the test he called me to ask if I was "ever" going to visit him...I had a great mc and a super DB coach, a true Godsend.

Eventually h said the things I needed to hear, (being the h I "deserved", etc) and that he was "literally begging" me to join him. So we began piecing. Visits and then I moved to join him "just for a year" and when I got up there with d14 (then 10) I had a lot of doubts and I am sure he wondered if it was going to be too much work or if I'd ever let it go and forgive and move on. The job itself, for h, was not what he had dreamed of. Mine was well paying but stressful. We knew we were going to return here but before we could exit as planned, my mil got cancer so the exit ended up being pretty graceful. No confrontation between h's secret mission heroes and the real world where Ponzi schemes are not appreciated...

But I also had major questions about why he wouldn't repeat his behavior if nothing had been learned, and if he was blowing it off til his next "misadventure." I was deeply hurt too, and angry and all that. But that was MY work, mostly. The anger was my problem and was helping NO ONE. it consumed me and so did the obsessing.

The biggest change in ME came before h's turn around. I am convinced it aided or triggered h's awakening.

I began to embrace my freedom (what choice did i have?) and saw a lot of upsides to my new life. Small ones at first but then big upsides. I came to truly believe I was going to be just fine, thank you AND that in the end, I was better off by a mile, than h.

Later, I realized it did not matter how h was doing. If he won the lottery that didn't ruin my life, And if he crashed a car, that did not make me happy. He was irrelevant to MY happiness in any direct way. IOW, their lives or misery cannot be an index for our happiness levels. Make sense?

From where I sit, you focus far too much energy on what your w is doing or thinking or said or might have felt. That hurts you in 2 ways. It's negative for sure. Lots of mind reading, negatively usually, and spiralling with worry. Even the title of this thread sounds anxious as heck, which I know you are. But the tone you set is the TONE of your days...the other reason its not good to focus on her is b/c that drains you of energy you could have spent on YOUR LIFE. To this day, my biggest regret for MY behavior, was how much time I wasted on trying to understand my h. "WHy?? WHY WHY WHY????" WEll I may not eveery understand it or get it..... H doesn't understand all his reasons for doing things so how would I?

And again, that focus on H instead of me, takes MY energy away from MY REAL WORK, which is MY LIFE...only I am in charge of my life but I AM in charge of it. Hope this gets through to you Tad.

You deserve to be happy again. Do you believe that? No seriously, do you believe you deserve to be happy?

Okay then...good.


Oh, as for reconciling--fyi--The biggest challenge for ME later on, was wondering about the damage done to the r's between my h and our kids.

To his credit, He has worked on repairing those r's.
And he has taken concrete steps to make the d's feel more included/important in his life. he calls and talks often and goes one on one for dinner with our elder d, per my suggestion.


We made a big breakthrough at Retrovaille in '08 after piecing for a year or so. (So we pieced for 16 months I think, then did Retrovaille and feel they ARE an excellent program.)

At Retrovaille I discovered h's deeply felt remorse about hurting our children and me. He told me a story with a metaphor (the program asked us each to use a metaphor) and h cried at one point and that's a rare thing for him. He really "got it' about all the pain HE caused and HE HURT THEN...and before, I'm sure.

I was not gleefully gloating for sure, Just felt so sad for him. We hugged and it was a pivotal moment for ME trusting him again. And for him to feel forgiven.

BTW, I told a gf that story/breaththrough for our m, and his R with our kids.. and she had witnessed our tribulations.

But she said "he cried and said that? Well I hope You told him that YOU WARNED HIM BUT HE WOULDN'T LISTEN, NO HE HAD TO GO TO HIS THING B/C HE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR YOU AND HE'S A STUBBORN MAN AND DIDN'T CARE WHAT YOU SAID AND BLAH BLAH BLAH SPEW SPEW SPEW..."

WTH??

jesus, this was my neighbor telling me I should have said htat to my H when he was making a break through TO his family? Geez, talk about NOT forgiving...

I never saw that friend the same way again...

H & I shared some close moments at Retrovaille and got juiced up about our marriage and pretty much felt 'done' with piecing...but in reality marriage is always a work in progress so I am not sure if you're ever done with piecing. I prefer "restoring" b/c some folks here use the term "Piecing" to mean being in the same house thinking about deciding...

but it's not. Piecing is hard work but it sis work ONLY DONE when both parties agree to work on the marriage. Not just staying under the same roof but TRYING their hand at seriously working on their m with new tools. You get tools in the Piecing stage, and before and after...we got a lot at Retrovaille. IF you can get your w there someday, it'll help. (My h is not Catholic but he felt no pressure at all, (the retired priest was in the background but acted more like the guide for explaining the program. No religion there UNLESS you asked and the costs/fees are not preventers in this area. ) We made a donation to cover another couple in fact. Others did too I think.


Sorry Tad, but it sure Sounds like your w isn't anywhere close to returning. Not that she won't, but her task is divorcing. At least that's my guess.

If so, you have to release her to the task. Let her go. Detach. The faster you detach, the sooner she'll feel free and the sooner she'll be able to actually look around at her life and choices (instead of defending them)

I sense you are pursuing enough that any move or contact by you, will be seen as pursuit even if it's not.

I hope your job helps you continue to feel better about your life. How are your GAL things going? And what are your 180s vis a vis your w?

Her comment that you don't treat HER differently is telling. Don't gloss over that. It's very useful to know she sees you that way. She may actually believe it so you have to look at what she meant (without asking her of course.) At the time she makes a comment, you can ask for clarification then. But you can't call up later and make it obvious that you are still ruminating over a comment she made days or weeks earlier. Make sense?)


I never really got what your wife SAID as to why she wanted a divorce. I recall your perceptions but what did she SAY or what would she tell a stranger she met on the street about why she filed??

Her perceptions are all that matter now, IF you want to reach her.

Can you honestly say you Have fully, bravely assessed what her complaints were, and "owned" the ones you ought to own (that means changing those behaviors, not just admitting them)?

If you have done this personal work, which we all ought to do regardless of our marital status, and you are working on becoming the best Tad that you can be, you have to leave the results up to God.

Maybe that's part of your test here Tad...leaving results up to God and letting go of someone who needs to find their own way.

Good luck Tad. Be busy on your anniversary. Do something FUN. Go rent or See a comedy (no tragedies please)!

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