Still Crazy After All These Years...

[25yearsmlc]

Seeking,

IMO, they are trying to relive their own youthfulness through others. Like HE just had a baby. Yes, I know the pain. My XH is listing OW's youngest son ( 11) as his 'son' on FB, and leaves off our two daughters entirely, as if they didn't exist. AND THEY SEE THIS SH!T. Then he texts unexpectedly and tries to make nice.

Just saw this thread and loved the funny title. Then I read these posts and now I want to reach thru the computers, hug the kids and slap the MLCers in the face..i read Seekings too. WTF???

When h left us for 2 years, my mil never visited our d's (2 living at home, age 8 & 16, son was at college) or called on the phone to say hi or ask how they were doing, what with father gone and all. I want to repeat that for emphasis. For two years, my mil never called or visited her only grandchildren UNLESS her son happened to be visiting and then she'd call and speak mainly to HIM...

Maybe H minimized what he told her about the sitch, since she lived across the country. But she still absolutely ignored her only granddaughters.

Also, She missed the HS graduation of one, and college graduation of our son...b/c ( I SWEAR) she would not leave her DOGS with my bil. Not b/c he can't care for them, but b/c, as SHE told me, "I'll miss them too much, and you never know how long you have with these guys [dogs]".

Well that was true in a way b/c Her dogs outlived her. When she got cancer, d16 (then 19) and I went out for her first round of chemo. MIL never reached out to say "wish I'd known you more" to D19...and God knows there was no apology. She wasn't cognitively smart enough I think, to be aware and not brave enough to wonder...BUT When she died, our 2 oldest kids spoke at her funeral.

D19 said she realized that "even though my grandma didn't know me well, doesn't mean she didn't love me. And I can still learn about her and try to get to know her..." THIS STATEMENT SHOCKED MY H AND HIS BROTHER, (who also never once called or reached out to them when h was gone.)

It never occurred to h or his family that our children would NOT feel loved by the neglect they got from her...I believe they honestly had no idea that our kids didn't feel loved..but how could they not know?

B/c they were/are Oblivious!!

Hey, I'm recon with my h and we're doing pretty darn well. But he still doesn't get that part of d's R with his family. (To be fair, h's parents were divorced long ago and his grumpy curmudgeony Marine Corps Vietnam Veteran father, has been far more involved and a better grandparent than MIL ever was...go figure)

I haven't talked about it b/c his mother's death hurts him obviously and talking about what a "distant" grandma she was will be seen as an attack (and it sort of would be, b/c I am still bugged by what I saw as terrible rejection).

My Point is that although h and his brother are not evil, they were clueless. I think it's worse with WAH's than it is for WAWs too but I haven't done a poll....

as for the guy with the OW's d having a baby pretending it's his grandchild AND ignoring his own d's birthday...you gotta wonder what he's going to do when his bio daughters get married or have kids.
I wish I had his phone # b/c I'd call him up...and warn him of his empty future. And what were OW's ex h's doing? Were they coming to the hospital to remind the WAH that this isn't HIS kid or grandchild? HIS children are at their family home...

This issue challenges me more than anything else, by far. We can forgive our spouses and work on restoring our m. But restoring the damage the WAS has done to their r's with the children is not up to us. All we can do is hope and pray and support the repair work.

These days, per my suggestion, h takes our oldest d out to dinner one on one. He calls her often, and they are improving their R. She was deeply wounded by his departure b/c she felt he did "not want to be a part of her life"...

He is trying to repair the r he has with her and I KNOW he has deep regrets about hurting her (we went to Retrovaille and I finally saw how sad he is about it. And he owned it too).

I don't know what to tell you about this behavior of the Fbs fools or the "fake grandfathers," and the AWOL men, except I hope to God they wake up before they are on their death beds...

For those of us with sons to raise, let's remember it's WE-- the mothers raising these future fathers...We have to raise them to be good fathers. If my son ever abandones HIS KIDS...he'll hear some words from me that he's never heard before...I will also SHOW UP for my grandchildren, no matter what.

God bless, comfort & strengthen all our children...




Extra hugs to your D today Seeking. It's tough learning survival tactics when you are that young, but I suppose better now than too late. What worries me, even with my D's being in their 20's, is that this will color their opinion of men, of marriage, of so many things. Self protection mode will kick in and the walls will go up. Walls are great, but it's lonely to live behind.

You have great judgement, Seeking. Take a long, and objective, if possible, look at your D and her attitudes, and decide how best to follow through. Here's hoping her old man comes through on her B'day! Cheers.