@ TM - Thanks I will move forward and it will hurt. But in the last 5 months, I know that I NEVER want to go back to that relationship. I NEVER want to be abused again. The sadness I feel that I can't even dye my hair w/o fear or dress how I want. I NEVER want to lose myself again. So yes forward will hurt, but not like the past.
@ JS. You know me so well. As Denver put it, I'm a hamster on a wheel. Only I can control my emotions and actions. Still working on that. But I will try my best to keep my emotions out of it. I think looking at it as a business dissolution is a good way to put it.
To me 95% of it is just stuff. I don't really want anything except what's in my house currently, our wedding photos, and camping gear. I just want 50% of it's worth. Not because I want to hold onto the past with "stuff" but because my car is older and I would like to eventually move into a bigger place. I would like to take my hard earned "past" and use it towards my hard earned "future". If that makes sense.
@25. I could go on forever about the stuff you ask. But you ask questions that make me think and push me forward. I enjoy the challenge to dig deep in myself for the answers.
Do I see myself as equal to her now? For the most part however when I'm around her and she starts her manipulation, I lose that feeling very quickly. So actually no.. but I'm learning!
You focus on your flaws over hers? Absolutely I do. Honestly I think anyone who has been abused thinks it's their fault, if they could only do better, the person would change.
Trust me I see it. Was shooting therapy videos on set and actually lost my sh!t (crying) because some one was begging to get her abusive husband back. It was a total "OMG that's me moment).
How do I assess it vs what I want her to be? This board. My sister who has been through abusive relationships. My wonderful friends. They all keep me in check with what I perceive my w to be vs. who she is being.
As for the move to LA. Yes it was my decision. I had been unhappy at my corporate video job for awhile and wanted to see what the LA film business was like. She loved her job in Chicago and her friends. We were about to buy a place and start a family. I asked to put that all on hold so I could try my dream. She said yes. She supported me the best she could but we did struggle with it for the first 4 months when we moved here.
All the stuff we bought together before the move except for the car and a few small items... so I'm not sure where the entitlement comes from other than from what I stated above. I guess in MY MIND, that's what I have to believe otherwise.. my w is just a d-bag who is very selfish and doesn't care about my feelings. That may also be true, but it's something I'm not ready to grasp yet completely. It's easier for me to say I spent 8 yrs loving a "sick" woman or a loving "a woman who thinks she is worthless". It allows me to have compassion and forgiveness. If I'm honest it also stops me from looking like an idiot for putting up with it.
Thank you all for helping me through a hard day. I sent the letter and feel like I got some of my emotional courage back.
Much appreciated (( ))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
