Today is my youngest D's birthday. She is 13. H texted her this morning with b-day wishes and told her he'd call her later.
And he did. He called gushing that ow's daughter almost had her baby on D13's b-day. (She had the baby 2 hrs. before midnight last night) How they had just arrived at the hospital to visit the new baby. Needless to say D13 was not impressed. She asked her Dad if she was going to see him today as he had told her previously he would. His answer, I hope so... She's still waiting.
I just don't know this man he's become. Can anyone explain how ow's D's baby could trump his own flesh and blood? What happens to the MLCer's sensitivity that makes them think that something like this wouldn't hurt his own child?
Here I go again trying to pick up the pieces in the MLC path of destruction.
IMO, they are trying to relive their own youthfulness through others. Like HE just had a baby. Yes, I know the pain. My XH is listing OW's youngest son ( 11) as his 'son' on FB, and leaves off our two daughters entirely, as if they didn't exist. AND THEY SEE THIS SH!T. Then he texts unexpectedly and tries to make nice.
Extra hugs to your D today Seeking. It's tough learning survival tactics when you are that young, but I suppose better now than too late. What worries me, even with my D's being in their 20's, is that this will color their opinion of men, of marriage, of so many things. Self protection mode will kick in and the walls will go up. Walls are great, but it's lonely to live behind.
You have great judgement, Seeking. Take a long, and objective, if possible, look at your D and her attitudes, and decide how best to follow through. Here's hoping her old man comes through on her B'day! Cheers.
Seeking....all I can..say....is....I..am....so...sorry.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
...Today is my youngest D's birthday...He called gushing that ow's daughter almost had her baby on D-13's b-day...
Did he grow up in a broken, "blended" home?
My mlc X did. She sees us as one big "blended family".
Your mlcer may not realize the pain he's inflicted by holding the birth of ow's d's child above his own as he expects your D to be just as thrilled at the birth of a new member of his "blended family".
My X and her brother also have boundary issues as a direct result of their family history therefore my observation may be skewed.
Can you show up at her room in the maternity ward with a cake and a bunch of your teenage daughter's friends with noisemakers/boombox and celebrate the two birthdays together?
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
SA - I am so sorry. They have an empathy and sensitivity bypass/filter specially fitted I think.
B is right about reaping what they sow, and I am truly not gloating about this one. I feel desperately sorry for both my xh and my children that they have largely factored him out of their lives. I have encouraged all attempts on both sides at rapprochement, as advised here. Good advice, but unfortunately, usually leads to further hurt, as the MLCer is unable to follow through on anything.
They may well be seeking their lost youth - but it involves hurting others. The other thing is that your h will probably not remember any of this later on. So a trail of devastation and no recollection of having done it - like an emotional drunk.
Sleeper - it actually isn't the OW's daughter's fault. Just think what a messed up little soul she may be.
Thank you Brook, Eric, and Sleeper. Thanks for listening and taking the time to post to me. I'm having a hard time letting this one go.
I just thought that after almost 2 years gone that maybe H would start to realize the damage he is doing to his own children.
How can one that used to be such a very good Dad just ignore his own D in lieu of showing what a great guy and 'grandpa' he is to a child that won't have a clue that he was there? I understand a new baby is an exciting event, but not so much that it's OK to disregard your own D's birthday.
Why couldn't he find a few minutes to come and spend some time with D on her special day? I guess he thought that taking her out last Sunday (his regular visitation) and buying her clothes for her b-day (what she wanted)was good enough.
Sleeper, you hit the nail on the head. H expected D to be as excited as he was about the birth and how it almost happened on her b-day.
H lost his Dad suddenly and unexpectedly when he was 9. Essentially, he lost his Mom too. She never truly got over losing his Dad and just wasn't the same ever again. She told her boys (H and brother) that if it wasn't for them she would have joined their Dad. She moved them into an apartment over her brother and his family. Her brother, much to his wife's discontent, included his sister and the boys in almost all of their family activities, so you might have something there with the theory of the blended family.
Our children have never shown happiness about what their father has done and have not shown any acceptance of the ow or her family. S24 hasn't talked to his Dad since he left. D18 refuses to meet ow. S27 has only met her through functions that had to do with the place that both he and his Dad work. D13 met ow for the first time in April when she went on vacation with them. It didn't go well between her and ow. D13 hasn't been included when ow's been around since.
I just don't understand how H could think that D13 would be OK with him blowing her off on her b-day. I believe he could care less as it's still all about him and whatever he wants to do. He figures that he's the victim in all of this and that his children are childish asses (his words)and it's their loss for not accepting the life he's chosen.
These are some of the reasons I believe H is deep in MLC. It was the only thing that came close to explaining how a man who had previously placed his family and providing for them above all else, went off the deep end and is the opposite of the man that we used to know.
I've had a bit of time to be brutally honest about me and our marriage. While definitely not perfect, I still can't find anything that was so wrong to have caused this. Therefore, I do have compassion for how messed up H is, and know there's not a thing I can do about it. I feel so deeply sorry about what H and the kids are missing out on by no longer being a family. One thing I don't think I'll ever be able to get used to is how H can either not see or care about what this does to our kids.
Brook, I hear you about about how saying anything to H will fall on deaf ears. TBH though, I'm really having a tough time holding back right now...
I was thinking about what you posted previously about your X being hurt that his children didn't acknowledge him on holidays, years later.
I do believe he has no idea how this has hurt D, but the sane part of me just can't wrap my head around it.
Something interesting about the ow's D. While on vacation back in April the ow's D took my D aside and told her that she felt what H and ow did was not right and was sorry for the pain that it caused my D.
