Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

Feeling a bit strange this evening. I feel angry. I usually don't feel that way. I feel like I want H to suffer for the way he has treated me for so long and for not being willing to give me the effort our family deserves. I supported him financially for 10 years and never complained. And yes, I made many mistakes during the time he "fell out of love", but I don't deserve this. I kind of feel like I want him to go through with this mistake just so he can regret it later, so he can see the damage he is doing to the kids, so he can then feel some of the pain he has burdened me with. I want him to lose so much money in D that he has to sell his fancy car and motorcycle. I want him to suffer the consequences of his actions.

I would rather have the depression and anxiety than this sinful feeling of revenge. I am sure it will pass, however, I think it is growing out of my loss of hope that he will ever find love for me again.

He has told me over and over for months now that his feelings for me have changed and that they will never go back, and I guess I am finally starting to believe it.

I want to have hope. I want to see those small signs of improvement that I saw only last week. I want to believe the DB works. But at this moment, it is obvious that it hasn't even worked at making me a better person. I am a terrible person for my thoughts right now. I want to have unconditional love for H. I just don't know if it is in me over the long haul.