In a way I feel used especially when I found out the sister was going.
^^^ This is yours on this issue. Just dig though... Peace brother.
Well not exactly country…….Our feelings are neither right nor wrong they are just feelings. To say I felt used after I loaned the money is just that, a feeling.
If I confide in a buddy and then he goes behind my back and tells someone what I said or did I would feel betrayed. Sure it would be up to me on how I handle the situation but how I handle it does not detract from the betrayal or the feeling of betrayal at the end of the day, it is a violation of the trust I placed on this person.
All the digging in the world will not change the outcome of the fact that is very clearly stated.
Now on this issue I understand where you are coming from
At the end of the day I had the choice to ignore the request and rightfully so but I chose not to for reasons I have explained above but to ignore the obvious is not a self-reflection on my inability to grow but rather an acknowledgement of the reality.
I allowed myself to be used………….ok……………no problem…………..but it is a fact.
As the holidays approach I can’t help but notice and feel that most of us are facing some emotional turmoil, so tonight I sat on the computer and decided to do something I have not done for quite some time, I decided to write. I wanted to put some thoughts on paper and share them with the only people I feel comfortable sharing these feelings with, the few that would understand. Alice’s birthday was the 5th of December and a few days prior to that I sent her a letter; something that for me is not the norm but as Deb pointed out……”she can’t divorce you twice”. I am not sure why I decided to write the letter, I was not trying to get her back, I was not thinking she would jump on the first plane and come home nor rent a Penske truck and move back in. In reality I expected nothing from her, not if I stepped away from the alternate universe we call DB and decided to come back to a place the rest of the world calls reality. Throughout the “process” there was a lot of things I was scared to say, a lot of feelings I was scared to let out because I knew that the response would hurt me, so over a year into it and already divorced I figured I had nothing to lose.
My sitch has always seemed different to me. There was no OM, no affair, no evil deed, no malice, in short, Alice was a true WAS in every sense of the word. During our separation, I didn’t want to do anything that might hurt my wife or make her mad, in hopes she would change her mind and stop this horrible thing from happening. Instead, I was the one who got hurt by the process – by not being proactive. Now, I find myself obsessing about all the things I should have done differently to protect myself.
Divorces, like snowflakes, are each one unique in the havoc they wreak on our lives. Marriage isn't just about two people who fit together well. It's about two people who figure out how to fit together well. Nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter the circumstances of your divorce, it didn't happen TO you, it happened with you. The degree in which we can stand alone will make a big impact on whether or not the end of the first year is beginning to feel like a new chapter or a prison sentence. The feeling of this stage is a passive, almost involuntary state of being. The dissolution of the marriage does not guarantee the resolution of feelings. Bitterness takes hold when a person is disappointed in their life or themselves. IT cannot be created for someone, and unfortunately, cannot be taken away from someone who holds onto past hurts and judgments.
In grief, we do not check off each emotion as a landmark or developmental step. If the process were as tidy as 1,2,3,4,5 then the BITS at large would know better when to intervene with help. Anger is a natural by-product of living with a stressful circumstance which is beyond one’s control, and dealing with this means running into our own limitations.
I think we all struggle with loneliness. We feel lonely much of the time because we’re often isolated from events we used to enjoy (not feeling up to them) and people we used to hang with. And no one seems to understand what we have to say about our situation unless they’ve been through it themselves, so we can often talk ourselves out of engaging others and just elect to “get through it alone.” I am guilty of this and even today with the wonderful support system we have built for each other I find myself retreating from time to time.
Many of us, and especially those who hold strong religious values, tend to regard divorce as outward evidence of an inner character flaw. "Divorced" means "defective" in the internal self-talk that goes on in my head this is the core message that often forms in the minds and hearts of persons struggling through a divorce or have already divorced.
Loss wears many masks. For some of us, the first mask of loss we see is that of betrayal. "This wasn't supposed to happen!" Not only was this loss not in our plans but it is inconceivable to us. Most losses come at us suddenly, unexpectedly, and even if we have had time to "prepare" ourselves, as during a lengthy illness or through a drawn-out process of divorce or relocation, we still often find the reality paralyzing. We look for someone to blame: OM, a MWD, family, God, our spouses, ourselves. Each is a pitfall since to place blame means that someone could have done something differently so that there would have been a different outcome. Our minds scream, "It wasn't meant to happen like this!"
Our thoughts - what we are thinking - not only affect how we feel but also keep us open or closed to the possibilities inherent in any situation. The challenge is to be conscious of those thoughts so that we are in charge of them rather than having our thoughts in charge of us. For instance, if someone betrays me, and all I can think is that she is a bad person and I am a poor victimized soul, not only will I be blind to all the factors leading up to the betrayal but I will also be blind to many of the roads leading away from the betrayal. I will be locked inside a prison of my own making!
In this process there's always a teaching. It's rarely the one we thought we signed up for and seldom one we would have chosen. If we can hold onto the idea that every moment in our lives is potentially teaching us something, and that we always have some choices in the matter, we can hold ourselves open instead of collapsing around our pain, suffering and sense of betrayal.
What we need and have today might no longer be ours tomorrow. This gives rise to the question of whether it was "ours" to begin with. Trust in the ebb and flow of life is essential to our well-being. We trust that the tides will rise and fall that the sun will come up each morning and the seasons will follow each other. Can we trust that there is meaning and wisdom in the ebb and flow, the gifts and losses, of our lives? And can we include betrayal in that trust? Loss brings us to our knees. Faith in our constantly changing fortunes - trust in our singular life force - raises us up again.
How big can we get in the face of divorce? How big can we open the lens of our minds and hearts as we look at the devastation that our lives appear to be? What would it take to keep our hearts and minds open? Betrayal is a powerful threat to our survival. In the face of betrayal we think we must bolt all the doors and windows. We close our hearts and minds (certainly true in my case) at the very moment when we need more than anything to stay open to let in the love and wisdom that life also offers in the face of loss. The seed of trust lies in knowing we didn't lose everything we had; that nothing can be lost once it's in our hearts and minds.
In most situations, we're taught to hold on so tightly to what we have that any time we lose hold, we suffer - even if what we've lost was causing us pain. Suffering, grieving, and mourning in the face of divorce is as much a part of the process as it is in the face of death. But (and this is a big but) if pain is all that remains, we've lost more than a lover, a partner, a friend, and a marriage: we've lost our faith in life. Take a deep breath. As you breathe in, consider the idea that when we're in pain, we need to find the source of that pain before we know what steps to take to heal. A simple pain in your side, for example, could signal a life-threatening rupturing appendix. We don't usually get side-tracked by anger or blame during a physical crisis. For example, if you were to waste time and energy figuring out who to blame for your rupturing appendix before taking the actions necessary for healing - probably surgery and rest in this case - you'd be dead. Blame and anger are the pitfalls, the danger zones, of an emotional crisis as well as a physical crisis.
I respect the position of anger and blame; they serve their purpose in the recovery process. But don't stop here: this is not where you want to spend the rest of your life. Instead, pass through anger and blame - and even pain - on your way to someplace else. Consider that we are all students in this school of life. We're all in the process of being taught. Instead of getting snagged on questions like: "Who is to blame?" "Where can I direct my anger?" or "What went wrong?" steer towards the question that asks: "What am I being taught?" To even ask that question, we must have faith that there is a teaching taking place, that life is not randomly destroying our happiness.
When the heart breaks, it can break open. Breaking open allows us to include more than the loss, more than the pain and betrayal. It lets us go beyond the limits of who we believed we were. If you can keep yourself open in spite of the pain, then this loss, this death, this divorce will become something else. It will transform from a death to a birth: the birth of your inner wisdom or guide that you can trust to lead you back onto the playing fields of life where love and loss go hand in hand.
I am glad you guys got something out of it. Haven't posted in awhile but wanted to share some stuff with the boards since I know this time of year is specially hard for everyone
Thank you, 2step. Your note means alot as I am sitting here filling out D papers. Perspective is badly needed.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
