Too Tired To Fight

[25yearsmlc]

@25.
I don't want to be the person that feels I'm entitled to everything, her nothing. If I'm honest with myself.. I don't want to deal with that person either.

It's a two fold comment. --- It's just something I work on.

I heard a t once say "a problem being worked on, isn't a problem anymore."
I like that.

My w has commented on it. She mentioned many times in the last 6 months how I've changed and how she keeps being pleasantly surprised how I don't lash out in her in anger. How I can keep validating her feelings and not say I was right, she was wrong. She said that although she never experienced any of that "anger" when we were together, she saw how I could be with other people and just waited for it to be her turn.

This^^ is all good stuff Val...all of it. Even the "waiting for her turn" b/c it never happened.


However the day I protected myself financially was the day that all went away. Suddenly I was the vindictive Val full of anger towards her. It didn't matter why I actually did it. This was her perception.


BINGO!!! So, let's use exaggeration for illustrative purposes now. If she perceives you as a purple skinned moon worshipping lizard, would that mean anything real to you?

What if her perception was closer to the truth, but still invalid? Ah, there's the rub. What part of her perception is real and what's not? In the example of you protecting yourself financially, for good reason, her perception is not valid. Period. You have to put it in the same category as the purple skin and moon worshipping. When the data isn't real, it's not valid. If it IS valid data, we work on changing it. You have. You are.

So getting back to point one. I feel I have changed, but I realize I am not perfect and this woman loves to push my buttons. I fear she will make me so angry/hurt that I won't be able to think straight. Don't get me wrong, I understand I am giving her power and control.. thus the fear. She is just soo good at manipulating me to making me feel like crap. It's hard to stop it in the moment.

Then Make a plan. You leave before it escalates. Or you limit the time you will discuss this, in advance. Even if you do it internally. That way, it can only go so far. You can get some of this done, and address remaining matters later, after you both have time to sleep on it and consider the others' views.

I cannot imagine any scenario in which ONE session could resolve all this anyhow. Not in a way wherein both parties feel reasonably satisfied, or at least equally dissatisfied.

or Have a friend text you every 30 min if necessary. Use it as an excuse to leave before it escalates. If things are going well, you blow off the text til things are not...

Is this approach as healthy as being able to Not have buttons pushed? Um, no. Is it ideal? No.

But it's way better than you losing it. Give yourself a break. You've been here a lot less time than most, and yet you're way ahead of "schedule" in your progress.

Point 2) Is that I always make myself out to be equal to her therefore taking the spotlight of her bad traits away from her. In reality it is her that has told me that she is entitled to all the furniture, the better car, and half the savings. When I have mentioned anything about what is fair for me, she gets really angry at me. So that comment was to protect her. Silly huh?

Wow...that IS interesting. I have to ponder that. Do you see yourself as "equal" to her NOW? What does that part mean? You focus on your flaws to avoid seeing hers? That's not a bad thing, at times. Usually it's good to simply avoid other's flaws and just working on our own. But seeing reality is important too. How else can you assess what is, and what you want?

When we moved to LA, she did become the bread-winner. I didn't make crap, but I took at $30k pay cut. That's why I feel she thinks she is entitled. After all.. it's much easier to look at that than to really look at why she is angry with me about it in the first place.

Ah, hence the dispute. So in her mind, SHE paid for most of the stuff. In your mind, you made a career sacrifice for the move? Is that the reason you moved? I mean, does she remember this part, you knowingly making less money to accommodate her? That's tricky. Or could be...unless

we just look at the law in California...oh yeah, that. Community property my friend. 50/50...period.

BTW Community property, by definition, does Not include inheritances, (if that applies). But it does include what was earned in the m by each party. Her pay, your pay, your stuff, her stuff, blah blah blah...50/50.


Thank you for the feedback. I know I will send it. The same way I know I will delete her on FB. The same way I know I will stop the abuse. I just can't do it alone or at the speed I want to.

This morning she just got the better of me. I'm in a much better place now.

Good to hear.

And JS, what a lovely post you wrote. It's so wonderful to see others threads helping others, (or us) too. Again. So Well said.

(( ))