Possible WAW to Piecing? (Part 2)

[rh24]

MHL - thanks for checking in!

Things have calmed back down some. I thought for sure after our fight on 8/10 that would be 'the end', but we're right back to 'getting by' and for the most part getting along ok and still sleeping in the same bed.

It's hitting me how SUPER SENSITIVE W is to feeling manipulated, trying to just back WAY OFF! I feel like I'm in a decent place at the moment in terms of detaching, but I know it's cyclical!

Right now there is a TON of resentment both ways. Resentment is oozing out of her pores. If you could die of having too much resentment, she would have been a goner well before now! I keep trying to fight off the resentment, but it's tough. I am resentful that she won't even ATTEMPT to work on things - I get it, that's a big part of being a WAS.

I'm also resentful though when I think back about 6-7 years ago, we were having issues. I asked her THEN to go to couples counseling - she said no, all our issues were my fault and that I should go 'fix me'. I did go back then, it helped a little. Things stabilized, but didn't really improve.

It's hard for me, knowing all that I've learned on this crazy journey, and then to have her keep taking the position she takes that all communication and relationship interactions should just be 'free and natural'. I see how that CAN happen, but it has to be in a VERY small minority of R's.

Most people / couples DON'T have all the skills needed to have the best communication and interaction dynamic. W certainly doesn't, but she doesn't care, doesn't think SHE has ANYTHING to do with ANY of the issues in our R. I know - I need to let that go and accept her as she is. That's a cylical thing for me - I have some success for a while, then those thoughts start creeping back in again. I need to defeat / short-circuit those negative thoughts.

W has said "I can go on like this indefinitely." I'm hopeful that at some point she can start to get some hope back for our R. In the meantime, it's back to fighting off the resentment monster...I feel like she's a 'cake eater' - she gets the benefit of living in a VERY nice house, driving a VERY nice car, having a TON of flexibility in doing things 'for her' (working out mainly), having decent health insurance (through my work), etc., etc.

There's that dark, little part of me that keeps thinking - Yeah, wouldn't I love to just kick your butt out of this house. You go see how nice you'll have things then! Drive a Lexus? Don't think so! Have health insurance? Maybe not at all! (The only reason I bring that one up is it's VERY important to her, especially with her melanoma surgeries - she owns her own business now - her insurance would be exorbitant, if she could even get coverage for that pre-existing condition).

She has 'dreamed out loud', to me, about marrying a doctor with a ton of money - yeah, hopefully one that will treat her like crap eventually. (Sorry - resentment rant...I know - not helpful!)

Anyway - the whole 'cake eater' thing does keep bothering me, but I try to keep the focus on 'working on me' with the thought in the back of my mind that maybe she will learn to accept the changes and start to have feelings for me again. If not, I'll be in a 'good place' (well, 'better place' anyway) to start anew.