It's as Clear as Mud

[phd1126]

Ok-WOW--I've missed so much in a short while!!! But a very interesting read. I do think it is amazing the gifts that you have and how they help you in life and in this whole R process!!

I will often times have very vivid dreams and sometimes have seen them play themselves out. I typically do remember my dreams - both good and bad. I sometimes do get premonitions of certain things happening--I remember having a gutt sick feeling back in March and in hindsight-it was the day that H and OW went out for their first coffee! Things like that.

I'm trying not to put too much into these feelings because I'm never sure if they exist out of randomness or if I'm making them happen--but Tal, you and I have discussed via email the discrepancies in the information I'm getting on OW and I can't seem to shake this sick feeling in my gutt that she is a fraud of some sort and that she is taking H down a path of destruction only to let him fall. I know it is not my responsibility to "save" him--but if I do want him back and do want to work on a good M again, lessening the wreckage sounds reasonable-right? This is actually, one time that I hope my gutt is right and I hope she is a fraud that is seen for what she really is--SOON!

For fun, back in August, I was out of town with a girlfriend and we had our palms read by a psychic--and then after reading our palms--the psychic decided that I could benefit from a more detailed reading and she has been trying to analyze my dreams--I have not spoken to her lately, just got frustrated. But it was quite weird some of the things she picked up upon for both myself and my girlfriend!!! Her bottom line assessment is that H does love me and is confused and that OW is selfish, does not really love him---but she could not give me direction in how to try to get H to see all this---

Heck, I even bought a book on witchcraft and spells!!! Guess I live my own bit of insanity too!!!

Hope 2004 is a good year to you Tal!
Take Care!

[shinybear]

Hi Tal...just keeping up!

Shiny

[talitsa]

Hey Shiny, great post on your thread about Freud/Ego Defenses and SO right on the money! Guess Freud DID have some good days, lol.

Hey Kevin, I didn't answer you, but thanks for your ID thingy!

[psluke]

Can you chat or check out Optimist's thread?

[talitsa]

What the heck am I doing back on Page 3 with all of the locked threads?

Well, what can I say, it's weird to be among the people listed as being a success at db-ing. I don't really feel like that, because if Wolfie hadn't given it a chance, we wouldn't be where we are now. I've really got to say, it took a lot of bravery and integrity for him to come home and face up to all that had occurred and to face up to my pain and rage at him. This bb helped me to tone down the expressing of my own feelings, and to keep my goal at the forefront of my mind, and therefore my actions.

Where are we now? Things are stable, calm and we show a lot of love to each other. I am more at ease now in this R than I have been in years.

I know that he knows I'm having a hard time with painful memories right now. So...yeah, he's a bit lame in the romance and communication department, but everytime I look at him, he smiles and his eyes are full of love. When he doesn't know what else to do...he does the physical thing...from hugs and kisses to ML. It ain't perfect, but it's pretty wonderful.

I have used this board to do a great deal of venting and coping, but I don't know if I have expressed a great deal how much I adore that man.

If we are a success at DB-ing, it's because of him rising to the occassion and breaking generations of bad examples.

Here's to me and Wolfie...in this life and in the next!

[nikatnight]

Talista,

Would you mind recaping or pointing me in the right direction? My H is coming home tomorrow!!! My sitch is on my newest thread. But any advice on how to successfully handle this newest chapter would be most appreciated! nik

[Zoo]

Hi Tal

YOU ARE A SUCCESS!!! Make no bones about that

Michele states that it only "takes one to tango" and with that I wholeheartedly agree...but it does take TWO to DIP at the end and I think wolfie and you are doing that in a grand style

Hugz,
Zoo

[shinybear]

Hi Tal!

I think in EVERY real success story the S HAS to come around and DO some of the work...don't you feel that's a common thread among them?

Here's to me and Wolfie...in this life and in the next!

I'll drink to that! (Although I've been a good girl and have had only three glasses of wine so far this year! )

Shiny

[talitsa]

Yes Shiny, I think that is a common element.

Some things that CHL was saying about how it feels to be a WAS have been running through my head.

I know you and I have had this discussion before....but this time last year, I was truly in WAS mode. I was so tired of Wolfie's distance, immature behavior and irresponsibility that I was turning stone-cold to him. I remember several times right before the bomb that I thought about telling him that he was obviously unhappy and that he should just go because it was clear that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I was full of resentments and was sure that Wolfie didn't love me any more. He felt the same way. I had tried for a long time to talk to him, to start communicating, to tell him that I was worried about our R, and didn't want to lose him. I was rebuffed for a long time, but slowly things had changed to the point where everything I said or did ticked him off and was interpreted as controlling. I had finally given up on trying and saw an enevitable path that I was being led down (unwillingly).

So...it really isn't so simple as LBS vs. WAS. It's not that black and white. It was just the butterfly principal working in reverse, spiraling us down into negative reactions to each other. If I had it all to do over again...I wouldn't have let things go so long without a blow-up that obviously needed to happen to get us back on track. There are a few other things that I wish I could have done differently.

Basically all I am saying is that I was nearly as much in WAS mode as he was so I do understand those feelings. It took both of us to get where we were, and it has taken both of us to get where we are now.

[sage]

I was full of resentments and was sure that Wolfie didn't love me any more. He felt the same way. I had tried for a long time to talk to him, to start communicating, to tell him that I was worried about our R, and didn't want to lose him. I was rebuffed for a long time, but slowly things had changed to the point where everything I said or did ticked him off and was interpreted as controlling. I had finally given up on trying and saw an enevitable path that I was being led down (unwillingly).

I can so relate to this post, Talitsa....one of the responses h has given to the "how could you have an a" question was "You were so angry all the time. I thought our m. was already over." and, he was right...I WAS angry...about him and my life and my m...and then eventually about the WAY he was reacting to my attempts to "fix" our m and then eventually about his denial about his a and then....the day I found proof positive of h's a, I had just come back from a C session during which C and I continued our discussion on whether or not I wanted to stay in the current incarnation of my m.

Sigh. So the lines ARE blurred between LBS/WAS for sure in many ways...the STYLE of indicating disatisfaction was just different, I suppose.

I have to admit that some of the things that h said during our weekend R talk blipped me back into the circular frenzy for a bit...in some way (an ASSUmption?) it seems as though he's still not "sure" but then wonders whether or not I'll ever fully heal and no longer be sad about "this"? I suppose it's far too pat and easy for me to want to say "maybe if you were more SURE, I'd be healing faster, bucko"....or maybe he'd be more SURE if he felt more certain that I could fully heal....



Sage