So. Here I am. Done. With mixed emotions, but done, nevertheless.
You know, I think the main thing that I thought about in the grand scheme of everything was that when I came to a resolution, that I would not love my H anymore or that I would love him so much it would heal all of the old wounds. It's surprised me to discover that I really do love him, and I still really do not want to be married to him anymore.
I have done all I can to keep my M together. I have persevered where many others would have failed and I have no regrets about anything. Two years ago, my one regret was not being thin enough to make my H happy. Today, I weigh less than I did when we first met and guess what - H is still not happy.
The weight issue was well and truly the one thing that my husband used to justify his every bad mood, bad thought and wandering eye. I should have realized many years ago when my H first asked me to lose weight and I hadn't gained more than 10 pounds that it wasn't really about the weight. But the weight was such a convenient enemy. If it was the culprit, then my H didn't have to be. But, it demeaned me and devalued every good thing that I brought to the M - which was a lot
I can now let it all go, taking away from it nuggets of knowledge and transformation to carry me on in my journey.
For me, OW#4 is the very last one.
The stark and honest truth is, today, my H is not the type of man who should be in a permanent, monogamous relationship with any woman. He is a tomcat - that's how I'll affectionately refer to him in my mind. All in all, he's a good guy. He makes me laugh. We share a great history and I will always love him. Still, the man has issues and maybe one day he will work through those and become the man he can be, and the man I believe he truly wants to be.
For me, though, I am unwilling to wait another day to see that happen. Today, I have filed for D. I truly believe that my H would have us dance in this limbo of separation indefinitely and it is a place where I can dwell no longer. I am not filing from a place of pure emotion or from a place of utter and complete pain.
I am filing because I am ready to move forward with my life and I am unwilling to go back into a M where I am devalued, demeaned and emotionally abused any longer. I want more for myself and I don't believe that I will get it in the time-frame that I need it with my H.
All that being said, H is still my friend. I just had lunch with him today. I looked him in the eye and I let go of the past. We own a business together and we will see each other almost every day at work, unless he decides to close up shop.
My State is a no-fault divorce state, with a 60 day waiting period. So, the countdown begins now.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
TG, I do not have a good frame of reference for posting to you. Your sitch and my experience are different.
It is possible this will be a wake up for him. He may have been denying the seriousness of your resolve all this time. I know that seems impossible, but people have deluded themselves over less. How prepared are you if that is the case?
Please consider it coolly. To me counting down indicates you are anticipating a reaction.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
LP - yes, it does feel like a weight off my shoulders. I honestly believe he did buy his excuse. Accepting that he was simply not suited for marriage was too difficult a pill for him to swallow.
lc4 - I know!
a girl - thanks for the hugs, I need them!
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
JustStunned - I really hope this isn't a wake up call for him. I don't want to deal with his emotions or his issues outside of the context of friendship anymore. As friends, we do really, really well, but when it comes to the rest, I don't want to be on the receiving end anymore.
It's been a rough go with him from the early days. I've been trying to measure up since the very beginning and I am ready to actually have some peace in my life, to feel comfortable in my own skin and to be content.
But, if it is a wake up call, Lord help me! I will be posting like crazy and asking for all kinds of help because I am absolutely not prepared for it at all.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
I guess when you know you just know. I wish the best and if your writing is any indication of how you feel then I will say you will be just fine.
Do not mistake the filing and the D for an end
I imagine based on your H past behavior you will go through a series of contacts with him, some pleasant some not so pleasant but if you are steadfast in your belief then I guess s it will not make much of a difference.
