@25. I don't want to be the person that feels I'm entitled to everything, her nothing. If I'm honest with myself.. I don't want to deal with that person either.
It's a two fold comment. One. I am constantly dealing my negativity and frustrations. I don't want to use the word anger. Maybe it's a control thing too. I'm not sure. It's just something I work on. My w has commented on it. She mentioned many times in the last 6 months how I've changed and how she keeps being pleasantly surprised how I don't lash out in her in anger. How I can keep validating her feelings and not say I was right, she was wrong. She said that although she never experienced any of that "anger" when we were together, she saw how I could be with other people and just waited for it to be her turn.
However the day I protected myself financially was the day that all went away. Suddenly I was the vindictive Val full of anger towards her. It didn't matter why I actually did it. This was her perception.
So getting back to point one. I feel I have changed, but I realize I am not perfect and this woman loves to push my buttons. I fear she will make me so angry/hurt that I won't be able to think straight. Don't get me wrong, I understand I am giving her power and control.. thus the fear. She is just soo good at manipulating me to making me feel like crap. It's hard to stop it in the moment.
Point 2) Is that I always make myself out to be equal to her therefore taking the spotlight of her bad traits away from her. In reality it is her that has told me that she is entitled to all the furniture, the better car, and half the savings. When I have mentioned anything about what is fair for me, she gets really angry at me. So that comment was to protect her. Silly huh?
When we moved to LA, she did become the bread-winner. I didn't make crap, but I took at $30k pay cut. That's why I feel she thinks she is entitled. After all.. it's much easier to look at that than to really look at why she is angry with me about it in the first place.
Thank you for the feedback. I know I will send it. The same way I know I will delete her on FB. The same way I know I will stop the abuse. I just can't do it alone or at the speed I want to.
This morning she just got the better of me. I'm in a much better place now.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
