So. Here I am. Done. With mixed emotions, but done, nevertheless.
You know, I think the main thing that I thought about in the grand scheme of everything was that when I came to a resolution, that I would not love my H anymore or that I would love him so much it would heal all of the old wounds. It's surprised me to discover that I really do love him, and I still really do not want to be married to him anymore.
I have done all I can to keep my M together. I have persevered where many others would have failed and I have no regrets about anything. Two years ago, my one regret was not being thin enough to make my H happy. Today, I weigh less than I did when we first met and guess what - H is still not happy.
The weight issue was well and truly the one thing that my husband used to justify his every bad mood, bad thought and wandering eye. I should have realized many years ago when my H first asked me to lose weight and I hadn't gained more than 10 pounds that it wasn't really about the weight. But the weight was such a convenient enemy. If it was the culprit, then my H didn't have to be. But, it demeaned me and devalued every good thing that I brought to the M - which was a lot
I can now let it all go, taking away from it nuggets of knowledge and transformation to carry me on in my journey.
For me, OW#4 is the very last one.
The stark and honest truth is, today, my H is not the type of man who should be in a permanent, monogamous relationship with any woman. He is a tomcat - that's how I'll affectionately refer to him in my mind. All in all, he's a good guy. He makes me laugh. We share a great history and I will always love him. Still, the man has issues and maybe one day he will work through those and become the man he can be, and the man I believe he truly wants to be.
For me, though, I am unwilling to wait another day to see that happen. Today, I have filed for D. I truly believe that my H would have us dance in this limbo of separation indefinitely and it is a place where I can dwell no longer. I am not filing from a place of pure emotion or from a place of utter and complete pain.
I am filing because I am ready to move forward with my life and I am unwilling to go back into a M where I am devalued, demeaned and emotionally abused any longer. I want more for myself and I don't believe that I will get it in the time-frame that I need it with my H.
All that being said, H is still my friend. I just had lunch with him today. I looked him in the eye and I let go of the past. We own a business together and we will see each other almost every day at work, unless he decides to close up shop.
My State is a no-fault divorce state, with a 60 day waiting period. So, the countdown begins now.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
