The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul

[LearningPatience]

I just got an email from a friend who was at the bar with us last night (there were probably 12 or so in our group). I think this kinds sums everything up for me:

E:
Last night was weird. You guys left and (friend) asked what was going on. Some very unkind things were said about W. I guess the consensus is that they both need to just go away.

Really, how can you stand it?

Me:
I assumed (friend) knew (generally) what was going on. Guess not, eh?

I have very mixed feelings about a lot of things.

Just about everyone I know (including some of her family) has lost respect for W. Despite this, many of these same people actively invite and do things with W and OM. That strikes me as somewhat hypocritical. Sometimes that hurts.

I went through a very angry period around late spring where I wanted W to suffer as much as or more than I was. That's when I had to give her the no contact letter that I did, mainly so that I could give myself a timeout. Now, I've (mostly) got over that anger. There's still pain, but there's also compassion and caring for her.

How can I stand it? Well...

I think it's semi-common knowledge that I grew up with an alcoholic abusive father and a cold unemotional mother. My childhood was messssssed up I suffered depression and suicidal feelings from the time I was 6. Yet... I still managed to have some fun, some great memories, some great friends and turn into a pretty fine young man. More importantly, I harbor no ill will toward the people who treated me poorly. I'm good at forgiveness. That doesn't mean I've forgotten things, but I've moved on.

That is where I expect to get with W. Now, there are two ways of forgiveness. Forgiveness with love, and forgiveness with indifference. When my dad died, I really didn't care one way or another. I had forgiven him with indifference. Only time will tell how I end up forgiving W.

This whole experience has given me a wake up call of sorts. It has forced me to examine some deep seated thought patterns that I've had and realize where I need to change and grow. Still, I wish there was a less painful way to do it. There's no doubt that this experience has been the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

W and I have started going to a marriage counselor. Her stated reason was to improve communication between us, no matter what happens (which we need). She has said more than once that she leans more towards divorce than reconciliation, and she has spoken with a lawyer. But... she hasn't gone through with it yet.

I do sense mixed feelings within her. One of the last things she told me before I moved into my apartment was that she feared that she'd want me to move back in and I'd have already moved on. She also told the counselor that OM probably has stronger feelings for her than she does for him.

All in all, I do still love her more than you can imagine. It would be very difficult to reconcile, but I think it would be worth it in the end. And if it doesn't happen, then we move on.

So, a very long answer to a very short question