Wife no longer in love with me - Part 2

[Drew]

EX: "Hey there! How about next Saturday you come by and pick up your stuff at 2ish? I will be out doing x,y, and z. Just let yourself in. Please be sure to lock up when you leave. Have a good one W!"

Mystery ...

[Truegritter]

I honestly believe once she gets it, then I won't hear from her again.

I know this is tough Cam but you have to be prepared that you may never hear from her again.

Not for a while at least.

If she needs to run she will.

You can't stop it. If she ever stops and thinks. She will have your words and actions to recall and consider.

So it is not too late to show her the man you always wanted to be.

[cam]

Thanks Gritter. I just feel that as my w says 'too much water has gone under the bridge' as since this started, I have done so much wrong. Here's a summary:
feb to April:
We were separated but getting on well, talking all the time, affectionate and it was so silly that two people like us were in this situation. She said she just needed some space to get the feelings back for me and us and to miss us. I never gave her space, and she never took it.....she would always call me each night to talk about the day. I then started giving ultimatums - come home or end it, I'm sick if this crap, wake up to yourself and look at what you're doing to us.

Easter it all fell apart. I was pushing her to go to Thailand with me to a luxury resort. She said yes, moved back home for 3 nights, things were going well. The night before we leave she drops it on me and walks out saying it's over.

April to June
I repeatedly call and text her.
Beg her to come home, cry to her.
Make her feel panicky and stressed, one day after she said she wanted a divorce i called her 20 times - WTF! Who does that?? Her work sent her home because she was a mess.
Her 11yr old niece emails me to say hi one day. I tell her what's happened with our M, which upsets her. I tell her to call her auntie and tell her not to divorce me. Again WTF!! Why did I do that? W was livid about that one.

June
She gets a lawyer, I freak out and beg her to stop this.
She stops paying the mortgage and closes our shared bank account.

I get a lawyer and she tells me to change the locks on the house so W can't come and take stuff and can't have access since she isn't paying the mortgage. I do this, not sure why, I think out if anger or spite. Probably the first thing I have done out of anger.
Mid July she tries to come to the house to get some things to go to America for a holiday. I was out and told her she can't get in. She goes ballistic, cries, screams at me etc.
She calms down and we talk. Again I go back to begging her, saying she's making a mistake, I've changed etc.
A week later we have breakfast before she goes to America. We get on well, even laughing about lawyers. I tell her to look at us, how well we still get on despite all this crap. She replies that it's because we are good friends. I give her a card expressing my love for her and a black pearl necklace, which matches her pearl earrings I gave her as a wedding present. She cries and that's it.

A week later I find the DB site and get a coach. I should have found this many many months ago and done LRT and dropping rope. All I've done is stuff up over and over and have probably done irreparable damage to the M now.

If I never see or hear from her again, I understand why and in a way I deserve it.
Good night.

[Denver_2010]

I never gave her space, and she never took it.....she would always call me each night to talk about the day.

Okay... so now give her this space. She needs, and you probably do too.

Make her feel panicky and stressed, one day after she said she wanted a divorce i called her 20 times - WTF! Who does that??

Pretty much everyone here Cam... that's who. LOL... Your reaction was not good, but it was pretty typical.

Have to avoid making your W feel panicky and/or stressed from this point forward though.

Her 11yr old niece emails me to say hi one day. I tell her what's happened with our M, which upsets her. I tell her to call her auntie and tell her not to divorce me. Again WTF!! Why did I do that? W was livid about that one.

A new one I have to admit... but still, your actions were not all that out of the ordinary.

You panicked and looked everywhere and at everyone for a help... pretty much everyone on this board has been there.

I get a lawyer and she tells me to change the locks on the house so W can't come and take stuff and can't have access since she isn't paying the mortgage. I do this, not sure why, I think out if anger or spite. Probably the first thing I have done out of anger.

Probably good legal advice, but not good marital advice... LOL... When taking any action or speaking any words, think to yourself:

1) Is this going to help or hurt my chances of reconciling my M? is this going to draw my W closer to me, or push her farther away?

2) Am I keeping my W's road home 'paved and smooth' by doing this?

-------------

There may be other posters here who strongly disagree with this, but IMO, you should write your W a short letter or email stating ONE time:

"W, I just want to apologize for some of my actions over the past several months. I panicked and acted irrationally when the reality of the possibility of losing you and our M hit me. I have never gone through this before and simply did not know how to act. I apologize.

W, I understand that you want to divorce me, and I completely understand why you feel that way. I was not the H that you deserved and you are right about many things that I could have done so much better during our M. I know that now. I do not want this divorce and my preference is that we do everything in our power to fix it. I will not stand in your way though. Cam"

ONE time Cam... and then, you go LRT for 4-6 weeks. Then see where you are at. You HAVE to be strict with yourself during this 4-6 weeks. I suggest 6 weeks btw.

The reason that I suggest the letter/email is so that the last thing that your W hears/sees from you is rational, non pressuring words, that clearly state what you want (to fix the M).

I'm a bit bothered about you going dim/dark when your W's last impression of you seems to be the panicked version of yourself.

But again... after sending this to her, stop all R talk, stop initiating contact, No 'I love you's' or 'I miss you's' ... No more gifts... no more cards...

NO contact UNLESS she initiates and then... keep is light, cheerful, short, and to the point... and try to be the one to end the convos.

Good luck...

BITS
Denver

[cam]

Thanks for this Denver....I appreciate your thoughts.
Yes the 11 yr old niece involvement was a new low. My W said that 'cemented' her decision, as she would expect me to do that if we had our own kids - ie use them to influence her. Again, valid point and I stuffed up.
I am not sure about the letter/email....I have apologised in writing many times, but I guess I haven't said I won't stand in her way of the D...I have more asked that she looks at the great things about us and why she fell in love with me.
I think your suggestion makes sense, but I would be interested to see what any of the others here think??

[cam]

Just texted her and said:
"Sorry I got tied up last night, so I couldn't call. Will speak soon re organising a time for you to come over :)"

She just responded with "No worries, speak soon W"

[♪CS♪]

Perfect.

Remember you have time.

No need to rush anything right now.

Peace.

[cam]

Country, what do you think of Denver's suggestion to write her an email/letter as he outlined above??

[♪CS♪]

I think it is solid. It's in line with what your DB coach is talking about. You might want to ask your DB coach about the LRT Letter. It's along the same line.

But cam. Don't forget about what Denver said is done AFTER the letter is sent. This is where the rubber meets to road. So do not do the first if you can't do the second.

If you send the letter and then chase. Very bad.

So be prepared.

And another biggy. You need to do so without expectations. Don't send it and expect much of a response afterwards. You'll be dissapointed.

That is where the TIME afterwards also comes into play.

And cam. Don't send it and 'wait.'

If you decide to do this. The TIME needs to be used.

USE it. Completely prepare for a life without your W. KNOW. Don't believe you'll be OK regardless.

THIS KNOWING will allow you to act appropriately going forward.

Like I said before. No rush. Think about what you want to say. Get more suggestions here. Think about it.

I do think doing this in email/letter is better for you right now. Live convo. I sense. Would be tough for you.

Ultimately. Your call.

Good luck.

[cam]

Thanks Country (and Denver).....I am prepared to write her a quick note saying that and then have no contact.
I'm actually finding it easier to have no contact with her now, as I just feel every time there is contact it ends bad and its not what I want to hear, so in a way I prefer the silence. Phone conversations never end well.
The best contact we have had was in mid July for breakfast when we got on so well as friends before she went to the States.
And anyway in her words, she feels it is better to not have any contact as it would 'give me false hope'.

I really am pushing it uphill here with what I'm battling against!!