As far as backsliding, I'm not sure I am.. but I'm definitely stuck.
It's been a wk since w reached out to me on how she wants to do the mediations. She wants to figure out what to talk about, list them, share the list and then share how we feel everything should be separated.
I just can't seem to answer her. I've written a response, but I just can't hit the send button.
************* W Thank you for the proposal.
I agree there is work for each of us to do individually before we meet.
My points of discussion are really broken down into three categories. 1) Our cars 2) Our stuff (including the storage unit) 3) Finances
I understand that "our stuff" is quite broad. I think a list of items is good to have. If you wish to share this list, I am fine with it. It makes sense to me as probably together we can list all of our assets.
In regards to " Once we agree on those, then we could each write what we think should happen with each", It's hard to understand the meaning of this via email. Honestly, I don't think it is my place to say what should happen with each. I know there are things that I would like. I assume the same is true for you. It is not my place to say what I feel you should have. It is my place to listen to what you want and to understand why you want what you are asking for. Then to look at my own items and express what I want and why I am asking. From there, we can negotiate a fair balance. That is mindset I will have going into this mediation. **************
Urgh I'm not trying to "preach". I just don't agree. I don't want to be the person that feels I'm entitled to everything, her nothing. If I'm honest with myself.. I don't want to deal with that person either.
So much thought going into a single email. So much anxiety and stress. So much emotional chaos. I keep praying to God to give me the strength to handle this, but I'm stuck. Stuck in fear.
I want so desperately to break this cycle... but in some ways it's so safe. If I pacify her, I won't feel her "wrath". I will feel at least a little bit of love. Even though i know it's not real.. I've trained myself that it is better than the alternative.
I keep looking at the fire saying "I know I'll be free once I get to the other side" but the other part says "yeah.. but you're gonna get burned too and it's gonna hurt alot".
I know I must move forward. Because once this is over, the fear will be gone. The anxiety and stress will be removed and my wounds can heal.
Why can I just do it then?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
