a) You shouldn't be asking your wife permission about how you play poker with, and
b) You shouldn't be trying to "make" a day a positive, other than by fulfilling your OWN goals and GAL stuff. This supplicating behavior of yours, I guarantee, is UNATTRACTIVE to your wife, and you're coming across as WEAK.
c) So you go to the controversial trouble of confronting the OM (and reasonable people do disagree about this tactic, but it's got its pitfalls in terms of fallout) . . . but then you go to great lengths to tell him that you're NOT telling him what to do, and you try to reassure your wife of that very same thing??? WTF???
If you feel it's "The Right Thing to Do" to tell this predator to stay away from your wife, then do it -- but OWN it, both to him and to her. And if you feel like having some diversion and playing poker with this group of guys is something that would be fun for you (and assuming no ulterior motives, as KD warns), then do it -- and OWN it.
Stop trying to placate your wife, and focus on YOURSELF.
Starsky
Agree with all this........
I will go further in trying to focus on yourself........
If you do not have healthy relationships with men then playing poker with the neighborhood guys is great.
I know that the OM is part of the group.......I am not sure that I would avoid going to the group because he is part of it.
You confronted him, I agree with Starsky.....own it, do not shy away from it, you don't have to be an ass because that just communicates fear.
You want to project confidence, to him, to your wife.......to YOURSELF.
In order to be confident you need to feel better about yourself, your confidence directly impacts how you deal with fear.....it affects the decisions you make.
Right now you are operating out of fear.......you fear divorce. Understandable.....however if it were to happen you would be alright, you would be happy again, you will survive. When your confidence level goes up your "fear factor" will go down.
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I get it - I really shouldn't hang out with this guy if I can avoid it. I'll tell you though, I really believe he's innocent in the whole thing.
Both W and EA guy said that EA guy kept asking W if I knew they were talking and W lied and told him yeah. He said she characterized our R as I didn't love her. Maybe I could see how she could have thought that, but I made it clear to him that was not the case and he was actually pretty supportive and helpful to ME during our discussions.
He's divorced and told my W his biggest regret in life was that his M ended and he was encouraging her to stick with it.
Honestly, based on input from my other friend - I believe he's not an 'active' threat. I'm sure he's still a 'passive' threat in that W was getting some emotional need filled through her interactions with him.
RH,
On second thought, you need to invite ME to your poker game. I make quite a killing off of naive guys like you.
Things have calmed back down some. I thought for sure after our fight on 8/10 that would be 'the end', but we're right back to 'getting by' and for the most part getting along ok and still sleeping in the same bed.
It's hitting me how SUPER SENSITIVE W is to feeling manipulated, trying to just back WAY OFF! I feel like I'm in a decent place at the moment in terms of detaching, but I know it's cyclical!
Right now there is a TON of resentment both ways. Resentment is oozing out of her pores. If you could die of having too much resentment, she would have been a goner well before now! I keep trying to fight off the resentment, but it's tough. I am resentful that she won't even ATTEMPT to work on things - I get it, that's a big part of being a WAS.
I'm also resentful though when I think back about 6-7 years ago, we were having issues. I asked her THEN to go to couples counseling - she said no, all our issues were my fault and that I should go 'fix me'. I did go back then, it helped a little. Things stabilized, but didn't really improve.
It's hard for me, knowing all that I've learned on this crazy journey, and then to have her keep taking the position she takes that all communication and relationship interactions should just be 'free and natural'. I see how that CAN happen, but it has to be in a VERY small minority of R's.
Most people / couples DON'T have all the skills needed to have the best communication and interaction dynamic. W certainly doesn't, but she doesn't care, doesn't think SHE has ANYTHING to do with ANY of the issues in our R. I know - I need to let that go and accept her as she is. That's a cylical thing for me - I have some success for a while, then those thoughts start creeping back in again. I need to defeat / short-circuit those negative thoughts.
W has said "I can go on like this indefinitely." I'm hopeful that at some point she can start to get some hope back for our R. In the meantime, it's back to fighting off the resentment monster...I feel like she's a 'cake eater' - she gets the benefit of living in a VERY nice house, driving a VERY nice car, having a TON of flexibility in doing things 'for her' (working out mainly), having decent health insurance (through my work), etc., etc.
There's that dark, little part of me that keeps thinking - Yeah, wouldn't I love to just kick your butt out of this house. You go see how nice you'll have things then! Drive a Lexus? Don't think so! Have health insurance? Maybe not at all! (The only reason I bring that one up is it's VERY important to her, especially with her melanoma surgeries - she owns her own business now - her insurance would be exorbitant, if she could even get coverage for that pre-existing condition).
She has 'dreamed out loud', to me, about marrying a doctor with a ton of money - yeah, hopefully one that will treat her like crap eventually. (Sorry - resentment rant...I know - not helpful!)
Anyway - the whole 'cake eater' thing does keep bothering me, but I try to keep the focus on 'working on me' with the thought in the back of my mind that maybe she will learn to accept the changes and start to have feelings for me again. If not, I'll be in a 'good place' (well, 'better place' anyway) to start anew.
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
