i dont want to get mil upset. she was angry at me a yr ago the last time we spoke, because she blamed me for h and i problems. for asking him to leave 4 yrs ago because of bad advice from the therapist. I dont know if she would want to see me..
what's the worst, realistically, that could happen if you called and asked to see her? She might be a lot more forgiving of you than you expect.
Plus, you did ask your h to leave. Why would your mil bring that up now, when he's been with OW for so long? Besides, if she does, you can own your issues and say you would do things differently if you could do it over and leave it at that. She'll notice the 180 (no blame or pleading or pressure)...
(And when you can, please tell me why you still blame the therapist for your divorce? It was four years ago. Surely her few meetings with you did not cause all this? Why don't you face that issue more squarely? I mean, at least answer the questions we ask 29 times OR tell us why you won't.
TBH, once you face the questions you hide from, your progress might just begin. The more you hide from them, the more they linger and stay, festering, never addressed....kind of like your h and you...)
Rys, you are letting your fear of your feelings being hurt by your mil, an old sick woman prevent you from reaching out.
All you want to do is let her know what she once meant to you, right?
You honestly think she'll rail gainst you for that? So what if she does? It would simply mean she's either mentally ill now too, or bitter. Either way, She's sick and probably dying...time is short.
Won't you regret not reaching out to her? What kind of example are you setting for your son? Did you read my post about my own mil? Please read it again...and Put your fear and pride aside and make things right.
Good luck...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I would like to go see her. She and her h were very good to us. She was very close to my son, because we use to live next door to them, and she watched him often.i was thinking to go with son tomorrow and bring flowers. maybe i should ask h if his mother would want us to visit.
Why ask your H if you can go visit? Do the right thing and JUST GO. I agree with 25yrs, she did the right thing, I feel I did the right thing by my IL's, even though I was scared to death that they might reject me. But they did no such thing. Stop being so scared of everything. Heck, they can't eat you. You will know the right words to say to her when the moment comes. I don't think you would want to regret not going to see her for what might be the last time, especially if your S didn't get to see his grandmother. My stepfather passed away last summer, and luckily we went to see him just a couple of days before he died. Now, I was mistreated, along with my sisters by him, but I forgave him and told him thank you for raising us, and that I loved him. I have no regrets about that, and I know I would have had I, along with my H and S, not gone to see him. It's one thing to have resentment for someone, but when you see them lying helpless, dying, nothing matters but making it right. Rysmom, just go, don't ask permission, do it for your S, do it for her, do it for yourself. vc
in case I posted the piece on my mil elsewhere, let me "repeat" it here, briefly.
Mil lived with her own mother, who was 94 y/o, on the opposite coast.
H was gone for 2 years. During that two year period, Neither one of those women ever once visited OR even called our kids on the phone (unless he happened to be visiting).
Again, That was for two Years, and our 3 kids are the only grandchildren/great grandkids. These women knew h had left and that we had 2 d's still at home... It was as if we had dropped off the face of the earth. I know for a fact it hurt my older d. Oh well. Not in my control. And h was oblivious. Truth be told, even before he left, his side of the family didn't reach out a lot unless h was there yet seemed to enjoy our company when we visited. Just lazy it seemed.
MIL missed 2 high school graduations and a college graduation. Great grandma was too old to travel so we had no expectations there. But mil could travel. Geez...not one call.
She missed seeing the kid's seriously big life events... Her reason was She said she could not leave her dogs for that long (we offered to pay the plane fare AND bil offered to care for the dogs so mil could attend)
but she told us that her
"dogs mean the world to" her, and "you never know...these dogs don't live forever."
She literally chose the company of her dogs over the company of her grandchildren. Ironically, her dogs outlived her. And our kids, btw, are extremely well behaved. Never had any "incidents" of any kind in the past...so, wth?
Anyhow, Just as h and I began reconciling and living together again, his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer--which had spread to her brain. Not easy to care for a brain cancer patient. (Not to mention caring for Her bitter mother too.)
Anyhow, when we got the word of her bleak diagnosis, we immediately got a game plan for caring for her...I would have done this even if h and I were not together. This is the only paternal grandma my kids have. And the last Russian left of a huge family of immigrants.
I flew out with my oldest d on spring break for mil's first round of chemo. We all cared for mil til she died (surprisingly, she lived for well over a year). While here, it was me doing most of the care.
Not once did my mil bring up any of the M problems or what h had done, and it never occurred to me that she'd apologize for having no contact with the kids. I didn't care. She was dying. She said some weird things. I didn't care, she was dying.
I felt sorry for her for not knowing her grandkids...what a foolish woman. But She didn't get it.
At her funeral, our two oldest spoke. Our 1d said she regretted not knowing her grandmother, but had then realized it did NOT mean d was not loved by her and that perhaps in time, posthumously, d could still get to know her grandmother...
This statement (that her grandmother didn't know her well, but d "now realized" she was indeed loved by mil) SHOCKED h and his brother. They had no idea. Go figure.
They just don't get it. Bottom line- [b] My MIL chose her dogs over seeing her grandkids...AND I THINK I KNOW WHY...
maybe Mil was either afraid she'd feel uncomfortable around me, b/c of what her son was doing, OR she was nervous that I'd confront her?? I would not have, btw. I never expected my mil to ally herself with ME...not going to happen.
Thing is Rys, all I wanted was for my kids to feel loved by as many family members as possible. Mil never knew her only grandkids b/c of HER FEARS, which were not based on reality...
My kids did feel neglected by her. They WERE neglected/ignored by her. But you know, Too bad, we still showed up.
Could any of this^^ sound familiar?
I simply let go of all of the victim crap. I "showed up" for my mil in her time of need, and my kids saw that. H did too.
I know I did not do it for h. If I did it for anyone other than myself, it was for my children.
No regrets on this end. You probably already have a lot of regrets rys. We all do. But Don't add to them.
Doing a kind dutiful thing at this time, cannot be wrong. Do it without any expectation of course.
If someone mistreats you at a time like this but you keep it together, they're the ones who'll look foolish and ugly, not you. This is a no brainer.
Do a 180- for God's sake, for your sake, and for your son's...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
there's nothing to ask your h (unless you still cannot face him).
If that's the case, then simply text to inform him of your intention to go,
and to make sure it's a good time, (as in, HIM NOT being there then), so as to "avoid tiring her out w/too many, and or to spread company out so she's not lonely", etc.
Do NOT bring up the m.
You are there to thank her for helping care for your son...and for being a good grandmother.
If she has something to say, don't argue. Listen to her. She's dying. Maybe She'll just want to be heard.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't know what time it is in California, 25yrs, but here it is 2:27 am. I should have been asleep a long time ago. But S and I are enjoying his last few days before he starts college, and that means acting like total goofballs, staying up late, eating pizza, and other fun stuff, and there is no room to go to sleep early. I hope you are doing well. Are you in CA permanently now or back and forth to AK?
No more living in Alaska, just sunny California...although the dang taxes are drivign us nuts. Texas and Arizona are looking good but we have d14 now entering high school monday AND so, WE are doing the last few days of summer and late night Chinese food or pizza and watching movies til she goes to school thing too!!
Enjoy your time with him. Though college costs are insane, the four years do fly by. Then you have a KID who is now...(drum roll)...an adult??
Where's your thread? I always loved your screen name
sorry for the hijack
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks for taking the time to post. i text h and asked how his mother was. He said she is stable. i told him to tell her" thx for all she did for us, and that we love her" when she gets in a regular room im going to send flowers and a card from son and i. i dont feel i am welcome to visit her. the last time we spoke 1 yr ago, we argued that she let ow live in her house.
Thanks for taking the time to post. i text h and asked how his mother was. He said she is stable. i told him to tell her" thx for all she did for us, and that we love her" when she gets in a regular room im going to send flowers and a card from son and i. i dont feel i am welcome to visit her. the last time we spoke 1 yr ago, we argued that she let ow live in her house.
does this mean that you got angry at her? And you FEEL=FEAR now you are not welcome to visit her? Or are you punishing her?
So, in sum, the post I and many others wrote about NOT letting fears prevent us from saying what we ought to say, or to show up for family b/c they are family made no difference?
My mil did bad things to us and our kids for a long time. But I showed up for her last days anyhow. Your mil was kind to you and your son.
Who knows what your h told her about you as a w or about the OW? You have admitted you had flaws as a w.
Maybe your h threatend to withdraw from his mom's life if she didn't allow them in. Maybe she thought she was helping her son...she is his mother you know.
What if she passes away? I mean, she WILL PASS AWAY and I worry it's going to happen without you making peace with her. She was a good grandma to your son and for most of your m, she was good to you.
I think you'll regret not reaching out and letting bygones be bygones. I would.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I honestly figured when it came down to it, you would do what was right. And you excused it by saying you didn't feel welcomed to visit her, based on nothing. And that you two argued a year ago over her letting ow live in her home, so therefore you are excused from doing the right thing. You seem to be accustomed to living this way, and you use your FEELINGS to excuse everything you don't want to do. You are no longer a child, you are at an age where we women should be able to put aside our feelings to do all sort of things we don't like, including making things right with family members who we feel have wronged us. My own mother sent my sisters and me away when my stepfather told her either we go or he goes. Yet, I forgave her. Remember, she is the one lying in the hospital bed, you are the one who can leave any time she wants. There comes a time that it will be too late to make it right. You have so much fear to overcome, that is what stands between you and any sort of happiness and moving forward with your life. As you have probably read here, parents whether they like the decisions their children make or not, will go along rather than to alienate them. That is what your MIL did. Right or wrong, she stood with her S. I personally find it disgusting to condone such behavior, but then many, if not most people in this world, have a different moral perspective than I, or you do. Besides, she possibly felt attacked by you a year ago, when you argued. She may have hated what your H was (and is) doing, but couldn't take your side in the matter. She may have spoken to him in private to express her disapproval; I can't imagine a mother who wouldn't.
No one can force you to do the right thing, it's all up to you.
I will pray for you and your sitch, that the Lord will give you guidance in your life. vc
