My faith gives me the courage to move forward

[25yearsmlc]

in case I posted the piece on my mil elsewhere, let me "repeat" it here, briefly.

Mil lived with her own mother, who was 94 y/o, on the opposite coast.

H was gone for 2 years. During that two year period, Neither one of those women ever once visited OR even called our kids on the phone (unless he happened to be visiting).

Again, That was for two Years, and our 3 kids are the only grandchildren/great grandkids. These women knew h had left and that we had 2 d's still at home... It was as if we had dropped off the face of the earth. I know for a fact it hurt my older d. Oh well. Not in my control. And h was oblivious. Truth be told, even before he left, his side of the family didn't reach out a lot unless h was there yet seemed to enjoy our company when we visited. Just lazy it seemed.

MIL missed 2 high school graduations and a college graduation. Great grandma was too old to travel so we had no expectations there.
But mil could travel. Geez...not one call.

She missed seeing the kid's seriously big life events... Her reason was She said she could not leave her dogs for that long (we offered to pay the plane fare AND bil offered to care for the dogs so mil could attend)

but she told us that her

"dogs mean the world to" her, and "you never know...these dogs don't live forever."

She literally chose the company of her dogs over the company of her grandchildren. Ironically, her dogs outlived her. And our kids, btw, are extremely well behaved. Never had any "incidents" of any kind in the past...so, wth?

Anyhow, Just as h and I began reconciling and living together again, his mother was diagnosed with lung cancer--which had spread to her brain. Not easy to care for a brain cancer patient. (Not to mention caring for Her bitter mother too.)

Anyhow, when we got the word of her bleak diagnosis, we immediately got a game plan for caring for her...I would have done this even if h and I were not together.
This is the only paternal grandma my kids have. And the last Russian left of a huge family of immigrants.

I flew out with my oldest d on spring break for mil's first round of chemo.
We all cared for mil til she died (surprisingly, she lived for well over a year).
While here, it was me doing most of the care.

Not once did my mil bring up any of the M problems or what h had done, and it never occurred to me that she'd apologize for having no contact with the kids. I didn't care. She was dying. She said some weird things. I didn't care, she was dying.

I felt sorry for her for not knowing her grandkids...what a foolish woman. But She didn't get it.

At her funeral, our two oldest spoke. Our 1d said she regretted not knowing her grandmother, but had then realized it did NOT mean d was not loved by her and that perhaps in time, posthumously, d could still get to know her grandmother...

This statement (that her grandmother didn't know her well, but d "now realized" she was indeed loved by mil) SHOCKED h and his brother. They had no idea. Go figure.

They just don't get it. Bottom line-
[b]
My MIL chose her dogs over seeing her grandkids...AND I THINK I KNOW WHY...

maybe Mil was either afraid she'd feel uncomfortable around me, b/c of what her son was doing, OR she was nervous that I'd confront her??
I would not have, btw. I never expected my mil to ally herself with ME...not going to happen.

Thing is Rys, all I wanted was for my kids to feel loved by as many family members as possible. Mil never knew her only grandkids b/c of HER FEARS, which were not based on reality...

My kids did feel neglected by her. They WERE neglected/ignored by her. But you know, Too bad, we still showed up.

Could any of this^^ sound familiar?

I simply let go of all of the victim crap. I "showed up" for my mil in her time of need, and my kids saw that. H did too.

I know I did not do it for h. If I did it for anyone other than myself, it was for my children.

No regrets on this end. You probably already have a lot of regrets rys. We all do. But Don't add to them.

Doing a kind dutiful thing at this time, cannot be wrong. Do it without any expectation of course.

If someone mistreats you at a time like this but you keep it together, they're the ones who'll look foolish and ugly, not you. This is a no brainer.

Do a 180- for God's sake, for your sake, and for your son's...