Do what I can but still have questions 3

[Endeavour]

I fear I will never trust or respect another person fully. I feel like there was never meant to be love, comfort and happiness for me. I feel like everything I ever knew to be true in life was all a lie.

I don't ever want to be fooled into thinking I could ever trust or respect someone again because I will just be left behind once more.

I'm so sorry you were feeling like this yesterday, sw. I've been there and the pain can be overwhelming.

I'm glad you're regaining your strength though, and good for you for not going down without a fight.

I'm pulling for you. ((()))

[aeolianchaos]

SoccerWife,

Sometimes being between a rock and a hard place is a great opportunity for self growth.

These kinds of dilemmas are never fun, but when you make the choice to act from your integrity - well you will benefit no matter what. You become a more complete self - and yes, this might mean experiencing some serious pain. But at least its the right kind of pain.

Expect more of the same behavior from your H for the time being. If he doesn't just up and leave I would prepare for tantrums and whatnot. It isn't about you - it's him not getting things his way and trying to use anger and drama to regain some control.

I think you are on the right track - you have to take care of yourself and that means holding on to your integrity. Don't sell yourself out to someone else's drama. You've come too far. N'at.

[soccerwife]

So I had another session with my DB coach last night and she made a number of suggestions that won't necessarily bring him closer to me, they actually push him away but it is a risk I have to take. However, she did help me get through the conversation H wanted to have about D. I told him I have been thinking a lot about what he is asking of me and I started to make a list of what my personal plan is and what I am willing to do and not do in the case of D.

In the meantime, I have to regroup and kick DB'ing into high gear. AAI, 180's, GAL's - just continue working on myself. I still believe that I can be a better wife, mother and woman than I have been in the past. I also believe that if H and I can behave as friends for a while, his feelings for me will grow again, even though he is dead set on the notion that he will never feel in love with me again. I guess this is what this is all about.

The mood in the house is more subdued today because the conversation last night was productive and polite. H's anger lever was brought down a smidge. And, he is still accepting of the live together after D idea, which give me unlimited time and opportunity to DB. So I am going to have to start researching that.

Can anyone out there offer advice on living together after D? I need help with just about everything, ground rules, interactions, money...

[soccerwife]

I am not advertising, just curious, but has anyone had experience with the Lone Ranger Track of the Mort Fertel Program?

I obviously decided to go with DB coaching because it seemed more personal, tailored, and I only had money for one or the other. And I am very happy with my choice, but there is always that thing in the back of my head saying, is it different enough to be something I haven't tried yet. After all, I should leave no stone unturned.

Can someone give me advice on how the two programs are similar/different? is there something you get with Mort Fertel that isn't offered here?

[soccerwife]

Strike when the iron is cold... since H is in a "good" mood today, I will actually try to strike up a quick D conversation. I will say that I know I told him that I was making my lists for him to look at but I was wondering if I could present it to him in one week.

He may be angry because he wants this to move fast, but I will calm him by saying that it is difficult for me and I feel I need sufficient time to consider all the options. In reality, this gives me enough time to research, talk to my MC about it, and perhaps have another call with Laurie if I need it that soon. I will do a great job DB'ing all week to prepare and then my list will be very vague (even though I will have a more detailed version in my head.)

lastly, I need to find a way to put the ball in his court. right now, I hold the ball because I am supposed to confront him with my lists. I could just never do it, but that would certainly push him away. I would rather hold off as long as I think will minimize his anger, but make him responsible for it.

[soccerwife]

Well, I scared the Doctor, she wanted to send me for a pshyc evaluation. LOL this D stuff is stressful. I assured her I am managing and that sending me to the hospital would not help my DB progress (H would run faster if it was confirmed I am crazy, he would find it very unattractive to have a wife so emotional and needy that she needed to be hospitalized.) Doctor gave me the choice and then agreed that I could just start on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds and come back to see her in a week. In the meantime, I am to continue with my DB coach and with my MC/IC.

I should have got help 6 months ago when I was REALLY down, and maybe this D mess wouldn't have gotten this far. Oh well, can't dwell on the past and let my mistakes consume me. At least I know I am doing absolutely everything possible now.

[soccerwife]

I have read way too many depressing things today, I need to get out and read some of the success stories for inspiration. Also, my goal from several weeks ago was to recall a happy story from my past to ward off depression and anxiety. Most of the moments that come to my mind are the intimate times of ML. So many great memories. Obviously they aren't appropriate here, so I will just take a few minutes to remember a few with fondness. I miss him so much.

[soccerwife]

Feeling a bit strange this evening. I feel angry. I usually don't feel that way. I feel like I want H to suffer for the way he has treated me for so long and for not being willing to give me the effort our family deserves. I supported him financially for 10 years and never complained. And yes, I made many mistakes during the time he "fell out of love", but I don't deserve this. I kind of feel like I want him to go through with this mistake just so he can regret it later, so he can see the damage he is doing to the kids, so he can then feel some of the pain he has burdened me with. I want him to lose so much money in D that he has to sell his fancy car and motorcycle. I want him to suffer the consequences of his actions.

I would rather have the depression and anxiety than this sinful feeling of revenge. I am sure it will pass, however, I think it is growing out of my loss of hope that he will ever find love for me again.

He has told me over and over for months now that his feelings for me have changed and that they will never go back, and I guess I am finally starting to believe it.

I want to have hope. I want to see those small signs of improvement that I saw only last week. I want to believe the DB works. But at this moment, it is obvious that it hasn't even worked at making me a better person. I am a terrible person for my thoughts right now. I want to have unconditional love for H. I just don't know if it is in me over the long haul.

[a girl]

Soccer, I'm sorry, but I can't remember - is your H having an affair?

And, I also understand where you're at - I'm in a similar spot. I want him to regret his choices, and sometimes it really bothers me that maybe he never will. I want to believe that there will come a time when he looks back and realises how awful he's been, but ... it seems too unlikely.

[soccerwife]

A girl, I have stopped asking if there is OW, cuz he has said no, and I have to believe him.

My feelings of hate last night passed quickly, by 5am I suddenly woke with regret that I said those things. I feel so selfish. I just have this feeling that he is MLC and/or depressed and I need to be his rock, ride this thing out, show him unconditional love, be there to support him no matter what he does to me. Even if he goes through w/D, I feel like I have to be kind, gracious, sincere, supportive. It is just so hard to do that constantly without any good will reciprocated.

There is no one there to hold me and hasn't been for 8 months. It really gets the better of me at times. I just hate him so much, but love him with all my heart. I even start imagining the fun I could have the new people I might meet, the things I could do if he would just leave me and let me heal. And then I feel such remorse and guilt.

Why are humans burdened with this? Why did this have to happen to us (the people on this forum), good people, with our families best interests in mind? I am so afraid. This may turn me into a bitter, untrusting, jaded, unstable person who is incapable of love. I have seen it happen to stronger people than myself.