I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[tadpole1025]

Hey everyone, it is time for a new thread even though there really isn't much new to report. All is quiet (almost too quiet) on the homefront.

My last thread can be found here:

My feelings are changing...sitch isn't

My job started this past Friday. It is going to be hard work, but it is honest work. I think I will like it. Plus, it is not radio which is what W and I both wanted. I'm just tired of that whole lifestyle.

I've had a rough couple of days. I just have a hard time believing that my marriage could be over in 54 days when we go to court. She is still so determined to go through with this. She won't even consider a delay and says that I'm not even entitled to ask for one.

I have not spoken to her since Wednesday. It has been nice, but I'll be honest, I have missed her terribly the last few days. I have been trying my best to just keep quiet and lay low.

She did not take S16 this weekend because she said that she had a lot of school work to take care of. Of course because she has told so many lies, I don't know if she is telling the truth or not.

Brooklyn, I hope you had a great birthday! In my last thread you said:

Maybe she is saying you're fake because your changes arent real. They know if they are, you know.

While this may be true, could it also be projection? Right now, she is the "fakest" person I know trying to be like everyone else. She did say this to me about a month ago: "you've changed towards everyone else, but not me."

???

AJ, you also said on my last thread:

She is starting to flail to get your attention. Why? Because the dynamic changed. It changed because you changed it.

I don't understand. I don't believe she is trying to get my attention. As for the dynamic, how has it changed?

Even though I miss her (or the person she was) so bad and would love for her to come back, it is not as bad as it was. I don't feel like my happiness depends on it. Make sense?

I really wish I could wake up from this nightmare.

Thanks for everything.

Tad

[AJM]

Even though I miss her (or the person she was) so bad and would love for her to come back, it is not as bad as it was. I don't feel like my happiness depends on it. Make sense?

That makes perfect sense to me.

You don't think she is trying to get your attention? Really? A person who doesn't want your attention doesn't do things that would if they could do other things. Like parking in your driveway. Like talking to you or telling you it's your fault. Or... The list goes on. She may be trying to run away but she hasn't let go. That is about the most painful thing for you she could do. Half in and half out. I know. I lived that. I'm the one that has to initiate and enforce no contact. Even now. Once I realized that she needed me to help fuel her anger, that I was the fuel, I could see more clearly. I could step back even further.
Don't get me wrong Tad. I still love my wife. But I want nothing to do with her. That's wrong on so many levels for somebody who wants to be married. But it's right as well since it takes two to be married. Stepping back and detaching from the situation and from who she is, is the best thing I ever did. I am seeing so much more clearly than ever before. You will as well. It's a long journey and won't happen quickly, but it will happen. It'll be ok or even better than that. But do it sooner and you'll be that much better off. Start by realizing the things she says are designed to hurt you. She may know that, or she may not, but either way they are designed to hurt you. Take that away.

Remember the good times fondly. They were good times. But she is not that person right now. She may or may not be again, but she will remain somebody different longer if you are in the picture. Step back, enjoy the day and let her do what she does. Without hurting you. You hold that key, Tad.

Congrats on the new job. Glad you like it

AJ

[AntoniaB]

Tad I have had a particularly difficult month where I've cycled back in terms of depression symptoms to month one post-bomb--jitters, anxiety attacks, the whole 9 yards. I've done a ton of stuff to help pull myself out of it (this cycling is normal but it STINKS) and I wanted to mention something that has been VERY helpful to me. It's a book Eric recommended awhile ago that I'm rereading, "Let Go Now: Embracing Detachment" by Karen Casey. Each page has a statement about detachment and a 1-2 paragraph explanation and then a sort of mantra or affirmation at the end of that. Then after several pages, there is a page of suggestions for you to do, either things to practice that day, or things to journal about. I swear to you, this book just gives me this serene feeling. It's really remarkable. I read several pages each night and sometimes if I'm antsy, in the day too.

It's cheap/paperback on amazon, or take it out from your library, but it's so simple and so helpful and might be perfect for where you are right now.

Glad to hear the job is going to be good!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ and Antonia. You guys have been a tremendous help to me.

She may be trying to run away but she hasn't let go.

AJ, sometimes I agree with that statement, but other times I just don't know. The way that she acts sometimes tells me that she has let go, then other times I wonder. Then there are times that common sense will tell me that you just can't "let go" of someone that you have spent a quarter of a century with so easily. I know that I sure am having a hard time with it.

Remember the good times fondly. They were good times. But she is not that person right now. She may or may not be again, but she will remain somebody different longer if you are in the picture.

Sometimes this just doesn't make sense to me.

Antonia, I will look for the book. Thanks for the suggestion.

I "really" started my new job today after orientation last Friday. I'm beat. So much different than what I am used to doing. Atleast I am now employed again and hopefully it is a light for me at the end of the tunnel. Things were really starting to get rough financially. I still won't see any money for a few weeks, but I know it is coming.

I'm convinced that my W is just totally weird. Last night she left a message on my FB page that was pretty hateful. I was going to respond to it or call or text her, but I decided to just delete it. No response from me. (That is something different.)

My mom was diagnosed with Diabetes a few months ago and today, I get this text from W right out of the blue:

"Please pass this info on to your mother: eating processed meats that contain preservatives may increase the risk for diabetes and heart disease. The Harvard School of Public Health recommends limiting intake of bacon, salami, sausage, hot dogs, deli and lunch meats. So, she should only be eating fresh meats."

What?

Huh?

WTF?

???

So damn weird.

So after waiting about six hours, I write:

"I will pass it on. Thank you. I hope you have a wonderful week!"

No response.

I actually thought about responding with:

"Why don't you tell her yourself?" That probably wouldn't have sounded right though.

What the hell was that all about and why?

Thanks for all of your help. Going to bed because I have to get up early tomorrow for my JOB.

Take care.

Tad

[AJM]

Really Tad? This was her Mother in law for a quarter century and you don't see why she would pass it on? She left you remember? Not the family? Or so she would like to believe.....

Mine did similar. I told her same - tell them yourself. I am not a messenger. She never did, but that's different.

Mine purged all her friends and most of her family. She basically reversed everything she was prior. Down to the way she talked, walked, spoke, and her family members, friends, etc. If she was friendly wiht them before, she stopped. If she wasn't, she started.

Completely whacky. Or was it? I really won't ever know the why, so I cannot answer that question. I only the know the what and can only report on that from my perspective. But I see yours doing some similar things. You are handling it much better than I did No contact is working very well and I suggest you keep that up starting immediately.

Later dude,

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ. Yes, the no contact is working, but it is hard.

I wrote her a letter, but I'm not sure if I'll send it. I was planning on mailing it next Tuesday since it will be our 26th wedding anniversary. I probably won't. Thoughts?

Would like to hear from the vets on this one:

When they do decide that they want to come back or work on things, what happens? Do they just decide that they love us again all of a sudden?

Just curious.

Tad

[Twink]

Tad, your letter should be for you right now. Not her. Don't send it.

NC is very hard at first, but you will find in time that it is very helpful -- for you.

Please don't ask about them coming back right now. Assume that they will not, and act and plan accordingly.

This is all very hard, I know. Keep posting, and please take everyone's advice to heart, no matter how difficult it is. Trust them -- they know what of they speak.

[AJM]

I can't speak to them coming back, but my thoughts there are that they always do love us. Somewhere deep. When they have faced their issues enough and want to come back, they find a way. I think But I'll let others chime in.

As for the letter? I think no, don't send it. Send it to yourself. It has the gratification of having written it and sending it, without really sending it to the person intended. It belongs to you and is your thoughts. It won't matter to her except to piss her off and stress her out. It'll show you care and it'll make her feel guilty for leaving. That causes stress and that is often dealt with anger, which results in guilt.

She knows how you feel. It's not about you, Tad. Wish it was. She wishes it was too, but it's not. Sending the letter would harm more than help IMHO.

AJ

[beatrice]

tad, good advice here. Ask yourself some questions. What would be the result of sending the letter?

As far as I can see reconnection with the ex spouse [even if there has been no formal divorce] is tentative, slow and faltering, with many back and forths. They do not seem to wake up one morning and think 'OMG I have made a terrible mistake, and will make full amends immediately'

They appear to edge/inch out on most cases, if they do it at all. Beware false dawns [i have seen a lot of these] Reconnection, if it happens seems to be very slow, and it is a long time down the line. The short MLC is the exception. In the experience of people I know, some of whom no longer post, the LBS is not at all sure that they want the damaged goods in their lives.

[punkin]

Tad,

I myself wrote several letters. Poured my heart out. Told him off. Told him the truth about himself. Told him I loved him. Read them, and then burned them. They are carthetic in release of bad energy, but would/could do damage if sent. And sending her one on our Anniversery? Too dramatic.

I remember the countdown to D day, and then a postponement, in which I secretly hoped he would ride up on a white horse and tell me it was all a terrible mistake. Didn't happen. From Bomb to D day for me was 14 months. Several painful holidays.

You can't count the days, coming or going. It just doesn't follow a set schedule. My XH hasn't had any direct contact with me since the D. As if I and the kids and grandkids just vanished from the face of the earth.

What I do know is that if I never see him again, I can be a happy, healthy, hopeful person. My life is not about him. Yes, there will always be a place in my heart for him, but if it is meant to be, it will.

Hang on Tad, it really does get easier.