Wife no longer in love with me - Part 2

[♪CS♪]

It's not really the words that make me say this.

It is the context...

It feels forced and unnatural to me.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that.
So, next Saturday should be ok with me....

Like this ^^^

Feels weird.

The words are OK.

But I would wait for an opportunity to use them.

Did your DB coach tell you to say this to her ASAP, unprovoked, with no context?

[Denver_2010]

Thoughts???

Mine?

Text her back and say you got tied up tonight and you will talk later to talk about when is a good time to pick up her things...

This "script," I guess, will go over like a ton of bricks...

Sorry man...

JMHO

^^^^^^^^ Absolutely agree with Country Cam. In fact, I'd skip the text tonight and text her tomorrow sometime... "got tied up last night. let's talk next week about a good time for you to come over"

Why? Your only chance here is to get HER wondering about YOU and what YOU are doing. Pique her interest.

Now... as far as your script goes?

I absolutely agree with what you DB coach said, but you have to let it come to you. In other words, you can't say, "about that stuff you complained about, it is valid..."

If the convo shifts to your R and to why she is leaving you, then you validate her complaints and issues.

"Yes W, you are right... I s*ck a$$"

"Yes W, the moon is made of chocolate"

1) Don't initiate R talk - Let it come to you

2) Actively LISTEN to your W... shut your mouth and listen... and this goes with R talk as well as non-R talk... women want us to listen to them.

3) when you have listened so much that your ears are bleeding, LISTEN some more.

4) Validate, validate, validate... You can ALWAYS find at least something in what your W says that you can agree with

5) Do NOT argue under any circumstances

6) If you find yourself getting upset and wanting to lash out or defend yourself... get off the phone ASAP

7) Try to be the one who ends the conversation...

THOSE are the rules that you should be living by when talking with your W right now.

If you are familiar with my sitch, you know that it is currently f'd... BUT, the above is what I did to get my W from being DONE to at least questioning what she wants.

BITS
Denver

[cam]

Yeah I guess I can see where you're coming from....it is not natural, it was just a way he thought that I could demonstrate kindness, affirmation and validate how she feels. I suppose it's not natural, as its not expected and there would be nothing leading to it....unless she exploded on me again which she wouldn't unless I provoke it. So if I am to practice this new approach then there may not be an opportunity.
The Coach actually said for me to initiate a contact to tell her I have some stuff she may need, and then give her a different view of the person I've been; ie negative probing of why she is doing this to us.

[Denver_2010]

Thoughts???

Mine?

Text her back and say you got tied up tonight and you will talk later to talk about when is a good time to pick up her things...

This "script," I guess, will go over like a ton of bricks...

Sorry man...

JMHO

^^^^^^^^ Absolutely agree with Country Cam. In fact, I'd skip the text tonight and text her tomorrow sometime... "got tied up last night. let's talk next week about a good time for you to come over"

Why? Your only chance here is to get HER wondering about YOU and what YOU are doing. Pique her interest.

Now... as far as your script goes?

I absolutely agree with what you DB coach said, but you have to let it come to you. In other words, you can't say, "about that stuff you complained about, it is valid..."

If the convo shifts to your R and to why she is leaving you, then you validate her complaints and issues.

"Yes W, you are right... I s*ck a$$"

"Yes W, the moon is made of chocolate"

1) Don't initiate R talk - Let it come to you

2) Actively LISTEN to your W... shut your mouth and listen... and this goes with R talk as well as non-R talk... women want us to listen to them.

3) when you have listened so much that your ears are bleeding, LISTEN some more.

4) Validate, validate, validate... You can ALWAYS find at least something in what your W says that you can agree with

5) Do NOT argue under any circumstances

6) If you find yourself getting upset and wanting to lash out or defend yourself... get off the phone ASAP

7) Try to be the one who ends the conversation...

THOSE are the rules that you should be living by when talking with your W right now.

If you are familiar with my sitch, you know that it is currently f'd... BUT, the above is what I did to get my W from being DONE to at least questioning what she wants.

BITS
Denver

^^^^^

AND ... the longer that you can prolong this without it being obvious, the better. JMO.

[cam]

OK thanks Denver....they are all good points and I guess I will try that then.
I will read up on your sitch tonight.
My only query is that the Coach kind of suggested that I bring this up, given how bad our last conversation was and she was blaming me for everything that's gone wrong.
I agree its not natural, but knowing my W, I doubt she will bring the R up too many times again, she just blocks it out and doesn't want to talk about it with me or anyone else for that matter. It's her way of dealing with things....ignore it, pretend it's not there and run away.

[Denver_2010]

OK thanks Denver....they are all good points and I guess I will try that then.
I will read up on your sitch tonight.
My only query is that the Coach kind of suggested that I bring this up, given how bad our last conversation was and she was blaming me for everything that's gone wrong.
I agree its not natural, but knowing my W, I doubt she will bring the R up too many times again, she just blocks it out and doesn't want to talk about it with me or anyone else for that matter. It's her way of dealing with things....ignore it, pretend it's not there and run away.

Questions:

1) Has she filed for D - I see lawyers involved but no mention of D process

2) Is there a firm date as to when she is coming back to the States?

[cam]

[quote=Denver_2010

Questions:

1) Has she filed for D - I see lawyers involved but no mention of D process

2) Is there a firm date as to when she is coming back to the States?

[/quote]


1 No...you can't divorce in Australia for 12 months from date of separation. She has engaged lawyers (through the direction of a divorced friend of hers) to start discussions on property settlement. I received a letter from her lawyer in June. I engaged a lawyer to respond simply saying they are acting on behalf of me and they will be in touch after consulting with their client (me). We have done nothing since. Her lawyers sent a follow up letter in mid July asking what is happening (my W reckons she wasn’t aware of them sending this letter, as it was a few days after we had a nice breakfast catchup before she went to the States for a holiday – I don’t believe her). My lawyer has ignored it and nothing has been done since. I don’t know what she wants, what her expectations are etc. She won’t discuss it, other than saying we should be ‘fair’ to each other.

2) No, I don’t think she has a firm date, but who knows. She won’t tell me. She is most likely heading back for Christmas, but I don’t know if she is coming back or not. I presume she would have to for the divorce and property settlement as it won’t get done this year. She has also mentioned to a friend’s wife that she doesn’t really have anything to go back for, she has hardly any family, all her friends are married and with kids, no job over there and she will struggle to find one. But then, all she has here now is a job….she has a lost a lot of our friends through this process.

[♪CS♪]

^^^^^ You know what all this tells me?

You have TIME,


USE it!

Like I said cam, I am not going to argue what your coach told you. I had one and it was great. I think they will give you great advice.

But this is a trend with you cam. You want it NOW. "I want the world and I want it NOW!!!!"

cam, you have to get realistic on the timeline of this [censored].

YOU HAVE JUST STARTED.

Focus more on the work you need to do on you right now. I have told you this before. You need to relax a little. Get your head clear.

Then...

You can say something like you typed above to your W.

But spend more time thinking about it.

I saw NOTHING about any SPECIFIC things.

Have you thought more not about what YOU did but about how it made HER feel?

Can you do this without crying? Without regret? Without anxiety?

You have your speech ready, but what about when she responds? Do you think she'll just sit there silently?

Then what? How are you prepared to handle it? Are you ready?

Just a lot of things to think about here cam.

And like I started.

You have TIME. And you NEED it.

So use it wisely right now.

OK?

[Denver_2010]

Again I agree with Country. Seems to me that you do have some time here.

2 more questions:

1) What is the longest period of time that you and your W have gone without talking about your relationship?

2) What is the longest period of time that you and your W have gone without any contact at all?

[cam]

You're right Country....I'm not patient, I struggle to feel like I have time....in a way I find it hard to see that because of her nationality and the fact she can leave the country at any time. If she was guaranteed to stay in Australia then I could be more patient. But now, I feel like I will never see her again once she decides to leave.
I am trying to relax, and I think not having any contact with her over the last few weeks helps that. As soon as she contacts me I get edgy. I booked a trip to the Maldives in a months time to get away and relax and surf.

I have given a lot of thought about how she would have felt with my actions, and it makes me sad. Sad for her that she put up with that, and sad for the way our M has gone. I know she felt unappreciated and taken for granted – its hard because I know in my heart that I never felt that way, but I did struggle to demonstrate it all the time. I can’t think about this stuff and not have regret. I will always be remorseful for my part in bringing us here.

I know I have a lot more work to do on myself and my reactions and interactions with her. And these are all good points and I need to consider them. I’m not sure how she would respond to my words – most likely it would just be a simple ‘thank you’ from her. She will avoid confrontation and discussing it at all costs unless I start the pressuring again.