You looked at yourself before acting. You realized that the reasons you didn't want to help were not loving. Not loving to your x or yourself. Maybe if you were like "giving her $ enables her to use me, or I'm doing this to get her back" but they weren't.
You're intentions and actions were loving for BOTH of you. IMHO - When you come from a truly loving place, you can't go wrong. Kudos!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
My compliments, 2step. You took the high road. This person has been a major part of your life, and needed help, and you responded caringly. If such requests become a pattern, different story. For now, do unto others, I say. Makes you a better person.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
I'm going to go with the unpopular hard line here and I expect 2x4's but here goes.
Why?
Your WAW was deceitful and turned her back on your M.
Your W CHOOSE a path where your she does not want to depend on you. To not support, to not confide, to not protect. And Vice versa.
All her choices.
BUT...
When it's convenient for her, your W chooses to rely, depend on you. And for what?
Emotional Support? Nope.
Physical support? Nope.
Spiritual support? Nope.
MONEY! MONEY! MONEY!
SO WRONG IN MY BOOK...
If she wants help, she has a family.
You are not her family. And she choose that.
If she wants help she has OM.
You are not her man and she choose that.
If you ask me, your W has a lot of BA!!S asking you for money.
Did she need you by her side to help get her through her greiving process?
Of course not.
Because she does not need you for that.
She needed MONEY...
Your wife made her decision and now needs to live with the decision she made.
Sorry if it's harsh. And I realize that I will now be demonized for being angry. But I feel it's OK to be angry in a situation like this.
It just feel it was wrong.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
2, Kindda hoping you did it for the old cool dude and yourself, no one else. Sometimes the moral high horse? Sometimes that's one muther loving comfy chair to be in.
Jack I thought Denver had the J3B rights? Nice of you to stop by and pay a rare visit. Does it feel good to have the moral high ground? To be honest with you bud, did not even think about it just saw a need and filled it. It was not till after that I started to question my decision but what is done is done.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
2 Step. Well done. You looked at yourself before acting. You realized that the reasons you didn't want to help were not loving. Not loving to your x or yourself. Maybe if you were like "giving her $ enables her to use me, or I'm doing this to get her back" but they weren't. You're intentions and actions were loving for BOTH of you. IMHO - When you come from a truly loving place, you can't go wrong. Kudos!
Valeska I have read some of your post and I must say I like what you have to say. You give compassionate well-articulated responses to people you are an asset to the boards and I thank you for stopping by.
I did for her what I would have done, what I have done for a close friend. I know awhile back I said I would tell her to stop calling me because it was keeping me from healing and moving forward but I don’t think the death of her grandfather who she was close to is the appropriate time to bring that up.
Originally Posted By: Sad_but_happy
I'm going to go with the unpopular hard line here and I expect 2x4's but here goes. You won’t be getting any 2x4’s from me…..
Why?
Your WAW was deceitful and turned her back on your M. Agreed at the end of the day this is the outcome. Yes her needs were not met, neither were mine for a while. I can’t change the past and all I can do is what I have done. Ask for forgiveness and hope she found it in her heart to give us another chance, she did not….Life goes on
Your W CHOOSE a path where your she does not want to depend on you. To not support, to not confide, to not protect. And Vice versa. Agree with everything you just said. No arguments from me
All her choices.
BUT...
When it's convenient for her, your W chooses to rely, depend on you. And for what?
Emotional Support? Nope.
Physical support? Nope.
Spiritual support? Nope.
MONEY! MONEY! MONEY!
SO WRONG IN MY BOOK... And very wrong in my book. Again I agree. So why did I do it? Keep reading and I will explain.
You might not agree but maybe just see another point of view. If she wants help, she has a family.
You are not her family. And she choose that. She deleted me not the other way around. Again I agree
If she wants help she has OM. Almost what I said but I caught myself.
You are not her man and she choose that.
If you ask me, your W has a lot of BA!!S asking you for money.
Did she need you by her side to help get her through her greiving process?
Of course not.
Because she does not need you for that.
She needed MONEY..
Your wife made her decision and now needs to live with the decision she made.
Sorry if it's harsh. And I realize that I will now be demonized for being angry. But I feel it's OK to be angry in a situation like this. Again not by me. Look Sad I don’t need flowers and lollipops and although I don’t necessarily want a hammer every time some brutal truths never hurt anybody. Does not mean I agree all the time but I am a big boy and will have to determine for myself what advice I can use and what I should not use. In your case I don’t disagree with you all that much.
It just feel it was wrong.
Well Sad here is the deal
This reminds me of a classmate I had back in 7th grade. I was part of the ‘cool’ kids and he was a pain in the a$$. I did not like him because he was sneaky and looked for reasons to pi$$ us off and then act like the sweetest kid in the world. The nicer he was to me the more he irritated me. One day I got so pi$$ed I punched him and I got 5 days detention along with a swift ass beating when I got home from my dad.
The guy could always get under my skin because he was nice to me but nice in a sneaky way if you know what I mean.
All these years later I remember that kid because he taught me a lesson in life.
The hammer is not always the best approach when reacting to someone, as a matter of fact sometimes responding with kindness against aggression is really the best lesson you can teach someone.
All the points you made up there are solid and they are right but at the end of the day the bitterness she will feel because of the wreckage she has caused will be more valuable than the stupid $600 I spent.
This is by no means an attempt on my part to teach her a lesson; life will do that not me. However it became almost a mission to me to respond with kindness whenever she did not show any towards me and it was not because I was the better person it was, I must admit, for selfish reasons. When you wrong others and they respond kindly you become sick with regret and shame, when they lash out in return you escalate your anger towards them or walk away thinking “that guy is such a prick”.
I have been taught that many times in my life and there is no better way to put that lesson into practice than in this scenario.
Was I justified in turning her down? You bet
Was it wrong of her to even ask me for the money? Yup
Is it my problem? Not even a little bit
Do I hope to gain something or save anything by doing this? Just the satisfaction that despite all the crap I have swallowed I can still treat someone who has wrong me with some class and grace.
The sense I have of being taken advantage of is that of someone who did not act with a pure heart and a sign that I still have much growth to do but I am getting there.
Will this happen again? Not a chance in hell because I am not an ATM and because she lives the choices of her decisions.
So by all means sad, post away…………..your points are not lost to me.
2, Kindda hoping you did it for the old cool dude and yourself, no one else. Sometimes the moral high horse? Sometimes that's one muther loving comfy chair to be in.
Jack I thought Denver had the J3B rights? Nice of you to stop by and pay a rare visit. Does it feel good to have the moral high ground? To be honest with you bud, did not even think about it just saw a need and filled it. It was not till after that I started to question my decision but what is done is done.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
2 Step. Well done. You looked at yourself before acting. You realized that the reasons you didn't want to help were not loving. Not loving to your x or yourself. Maybe if you were like "giving her $ enables her to use me, or I'm doing this to get her back" but they weren't. You're intentions and actions were loving for BOTH of you. IMHO - When you come from a truly loving place, you can't go wrong. Kudos!
Valeska I have read some of your post and I must say I like what you have to say. You give compassionate well-articulated responses to people you are an asset to the boards and I thank you for stopping by.
I did for her what I would have done, what I have done for a close friend. I know awhile back I said I would tell her to stop calling me because it was keeping me from healing and moving forward but I don’t think the death of her grandfather who she was close to is the appropriate time to bring that up.
Originally Posted By: Sad_but_happy
I'm going to go with the unpopular hard line here and I expect 2x4's but here goes. You won’t be getting any 2x4’s from me…..
Why?
Your WAW was deceitful and turned her back on your M. Agreed at the end of the day this is the outcome. Yes her needs were not met, neither were mine for a while. I can’t change the past and all I can do is what I have done. Ask for forgiveness and hope she found it in her heart to give us another chance, she did not….Life goes on
Your W CHOOSE a path where your she does not want to depend on you. To not support, to not confide, to not protect. And Vice versa. Agree with everything you just said. No arguments from me
All her choices.
BUT...
When it's convenient for her, your W chooses to rely, depend on you. And for what?
Emotional Support? Nope.
Physical support? Nope.
Spiritual support? Nope.
MONEY! MONEY! MONEY!
SO WRONG IN MY BOOK... And very wrong in my book. Again I agree. So why did I do it? Keep reading and I will explain.
You might not agree but maybe just see another point of view. If she wants help, she has a family.
You are not her family. And she choose that. She deleted me not the other way around. Again I agree
If she wants help she has OM. Almost what I said but I caught myself.
You are not her man and she choose that.
If you ask me, your W has a lot of BA!!S asking you for money.
Did she need you by her side to help get her through her greiving process?
Of course not.
Because she does not need you for that.
She needed MONEY..
Your wife made her decision and now needs to live with the decision she made.
Sorry if it's harsh. And I realize that I will now be demonized for being angry. But I feel it's OK to be angry in a situation like this. Again not by me. Look Sad I don’t need flowers and lollipops and although I don’t necessarily want a hammer every time some brutal truths never hurt anybody. Does not mean I agree all the time but I am a big boy and will have to determine for myself what advice I can use and what I should not use. In your case I don’t disagree with you all that much.
It just feel it was wrong.
Well Sad here is the deal
This reminds me of a classmate I had back in 7th grade. I was part of the ‘cool’ kids and he was a pain in the a$$. I did not like him because he was sneaky and looked for reasons to pi$$ us off and then act like the sweetest kid in the world. The nicer he was to me the more he irritated me. One day I got so pi$$ed I punched him and I got 5 days detention along with a swift ass beating when I got home from my dad.
The guy could always get under my skin because he was nice to me but nice in a sneaky way if you know what I mean.
All these years later I remember that kid because he taught me a lesson in life.
The hammer is not always the best approach when reacting to someone, as a matter of fact sometimes responding with kindness against aggression is really the best lesson you can teach someone.
All the points you made up there are solid and they are right but at the end of the day the bitterness she will feel because of the wreckage she has caused will be more valuable than the stupid $600 I spent.
This is by no means an attempt on my part to teach her a lesson; life will do that not me. However it became almost a mission to me to respond with kindness whenever she did not show any towards me and it was not because I was the better person it was, I must admit, for selfish reasons. When you wrong others and they respond kindly you become sick with regret and shame, when they lash out in return you escalate your anger towards them or walk away thinking “that guy is such a prick”.
I have been taught that many times in my life and there is no better way to put that lesson into practice than in this scenario.
Was I justified in turning her down? You bet
Was it wrong of her to even ask me for the money? Yup
Is it my problem? Not even a little bit
Do I hope to gain something or save anything by doing this? Just the satisfaction that despite all the crap I have swallowed I can still treat someone who has wrong me with some class and grace.
The sense I have of being taken advantage of is that of someone who did not act with a pure heart and a sign that I still have much growth to do but I am getting there.
Will this happen again? Not a chance in hell because I am not an ATM and because she lives the choices of her decisions.
So by all means sad, post away…………..your points are not lost to me.
^^^^ Nicely said 2Step...
You did the right thing.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Let me just say for the record why tis board is so great. It allows one to say things from an emotional level. React (much like I did) from raw emotion.
I am not like that in real life. I'm actually a quiet calm person.
2step, I agree with you as well. So I only have one final question.
I understand the concept, "kill them with kindness".
But when, if ever...
Is it truly time to cut the leash, and allow them to truly FEEL the weight of their decisions?
Also, 2step, I have to say that you are an extremely compassionate and empathetic person. Your next W will be a lucky woman.
( bro hug ) - Note it's not to close... lol...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Let me just say for the record why tis board is so great. It allows one to say things from an emotional level. React (much like I did) from raw emotion.
I must say sad that this ^^^^ is very true. We all come from different places brought here by the same pain. We let out our emotions in different ways but when you peel away the anger it is our heart and kindness that keeps us bounded to each other.
2step, I agree with you as well. So I only have one final question.
I understand the concept, "kill them with kindness".
But when, if ever...
Is it truly time to cut the leash, and allow them to truly FEEL the weight of their decisions? What a great question...I am not sure how to answer it other than to say....When I am emotionaly ready to completely cut the chord I will know it. I think she feels the consequences of her actions already, matter of fact I am convinced of it. What I think she needs to start doing is accept responsibility for her decisions and stop blaming me. We all like to say 'they will regret it' I suppose it makes us feel better but the truth is most of us will never know if that is the case. The day will come sad, but one of the many things I have learned from all of this is to speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret. I did not delete her from FB until I was ready, I did not delete her pictures from my profile until I was ready, I did not stop responding to all of her text and phone calls until I was ready. When I have the strengh to act I will but not before because if you do they will never respect you. Boundaries mean nothing unless you are willing to enforce them and accept the consequences of those boundaries. Hope that helps
Also, 2step, I have to say that you are an extremely compassionate and empathetic person. Your next W will be a lucky woman.
( bro hug ) - Note it's not to close... lol...
Half man hug and pat on the back. Keeping it manly!!
