I agree, it does sound like a rebound; however, your behavior is one factor in determing whether or not she cycles back away from you, and how quickly that happens. Stay detached but upbeat and positive, friendly toward her. Do not bring up reconciling. It will probably come up soon enough, and that needs to come out of her mouth not yours. It sounds like you have been doing well so far. Don't worry too much about texting her a Good Morning, the key is to keep it to words and actions that just friends do, and that's certainly within the realm of a plainly friendly act. If you followed it up with a "U get my text?", that'd be pushing it.
WAS and I decided to recommit to our marriage in late Oct '10. If you remember we were staying with her parents. Well at that time she was in her own place and had left the kids and me with her parents. Things were great for a while (2 months) Until I found her sneaking out in the middle of the night, her coming home late from work, texting him openly were a few of her actions. It was a turbulent time to say the least. I asked her to move out if she wanted to continue her affair. No was what I got every time. I didn't have the resources to do so myself. After 3 months of living hell she came to me and said PA was over and how sorry she was she put me through that. Things seemed fine and we went on from there. We did many things as a family and as a couple. Then this past Feb. she started distancing herself from me and the kids. One day she fell asleep with her phone on her chest in bed. It was vibrating, I picked it up and read a text from her to a friend concerning how I was living in denial about our marriage and how the kids would decide who they would want to live with. I blew up, told her if this is the way we rebuild a marriage I no longer wanted any part of it. She left that evening and didn't come back til the next afternoon. She was home for several hrs hiding out in our room. Then she came out to the living room and took my hand to lead me into our bedroom. Crying she told me her friend thinks my wife may be bi-polar and that all of this may be because of it.
She went to see a Psyc. and was diagnosed with mixed bipolar and manic depression. He prescribed med.s in which she was told may take a while to get to the right levels for her to notice positive changes. The only changes the kids and I seen where her sleeping all the time. Moving forward to June is when the stitch above came to light. She told me all of her unhappiness was because of me. She didn't love me and that I disgusted her when I touched her. She tried to validate everything she was doing because of me and her horrible marriage. That is when I went dark and until two days ago when she contacted me.
I realize I wasn't ready for the move in together. I stopped DBing and was smacked in the face for it. All my boundaries I had continued decided on were broken and all I could do was watch it happen. So towards the end of our “reconciliation” I started to become emotionally ready for the end to come. It was the fact she involved our kids that had me tore up. These 3 months I have thought about giving up on anything to do with her. However, if the diagnoses really played a part in her unhappiness and it wasn’t me as she has said it was, I have thought we may still have a chance. I’m not sure how to go about this. To be honest I don’t want to be hurt again or have the kids see the turmoil that occurred again.
Perhaps I need to take a deep breath and calm down. Yes the contact was positive, but I may be looking into it farther than it really is.
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
I do love her, yes also in my heart I know I can forgive. However, it will be up to her to have me forget.
I tried for so long to make her happy. Sad thing is she didn't and doesn't know what it will take to make her happy. She has to find peace within herself before I can come into the picture if and when that ever happens.
While packing to move I found a letter she wrote to herself just a month before she moved out. She asked for guidance in helping her figure out what she wanted. Questioning herself about leaving the "most caring man in the world". She continued "No one will ever love like he does" "yet I feel so helpless to my feeling of not being attracted to him" "He has been and is my best friend" "We have grown apart and I don't think it can be fixed"
With that said I do have hope that my family will one day be as one unit again. Today I've calmed down a bit from where I was yesterday. I'm going to go on with life and make the most of it. I will be the good friend when I'm around her. Yet I must stand firm and not let it get physical. She knows that is her power over me. I have never been able to resist her. I have to stand firm. Not mean or a cold shoulder mind ya. But I have to protect my feelings. No one else can or will do that for me. I have to live this day in and day out. Let her come to me, perhaps she will or perhaps she won't. Lord only knows. I do know this. If I can stay on track with this I will be in a much better place. With or without her in my life.
She has told me I was very controlling. Didn't want to spend money on this or that. Where we went going to town or out to eat. I reversed that the 1st time we got back together and I let her make almost every decision as to where or what we did. I may just keep that up. Again I know I must work on me 1st. I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy. I can hear myself saying it ... I just need to start living it.
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
She has told me I was very controlling. Didn't want to spend money on this or that. Where we went going to town or out to eat.
Did that "sting" ?
Are you controlling ?
Originally Posted By: Shane5665
Again I know I must work on me 1st. I need to be happy with myself before I can make anyone else happy. I can hear myself saying it ... I just need to start living it.
That is a lot harder to do, than to say....
What is your plan of attack ?
What are some of your goals ,that do not involve her ?
Sure it stung ... everything she brought up stung. From not putting the toilet seat down 10 years ago, to not wanting our D wearing shorts to short.
What I'm saying is she threw every reason why she did what she did at me. It was and is all my fault she doesn't love me anymore. At first I believed I was a pretty bad husband and father. Imposing my will on my family. What a bastard!! To an extent I agree I did inject my opinion on where to eat ... where to go on trips ... etc etc etc. However, In hindsight I look back and say wait a minute we all had a say. We as a family had input. Where I put my foot down was were she would spend $500 on new clothes and then not be able to pay our mortgage or car payment. I was always the one to discipline our kids. I was the one who made sure homework was done or their rooms were cleaned. So if that was/is controlling I'm guilty.
Goal 1
I finished nursing school back in May. I scheduled to take my board June 15. Son informed me of OM meeting them and W moved out on June 10. I took the board and didn't pass. Just couldn't get my head into it. I have reapplied for the board and I will become an RN the end of Sept. I have started reviewing and will spend much more time doing so during the day when the kids are at school. I will be ready this time.
Goal 2
Quit smoking
Goal 3
Start going to gym. I'm a small guy 5'6" 130lbs. I hope to add 20lbs within a year
Goal 4
Get a life. I've spent the last 4 yrs working full time, going to school full time, dad full time, and trying to make my wife happy full time. I need to me people in the area with simular likes and hang out more with them. Right now the only friends I have are hrs away.
Goal 5
Be the best person I can be. Be happy with myself and if there is something I don't like change it.
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
You were not posting in Oct. 2010. Remember, you stopped in 2009. We never knew what happened b/c you stopped posting before the two of you reconciled (choked, when I used that word).
Quote:
A flood of emotions has come over me. I can't stop thinking about our stitch. Is this a sign or just a rebound? Is she seeing the light? Should I play this slow? I texted her a good morning this morning. Which I feel was a backslide. Ugh my head is spinning.
I can't believe you would even ask. Maybe looking at the faces of your children will set your head on straighter.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi I stand corrected my mistake it was Oct 2009. Also your right I stopped posting. I'm not sure as to why I did. Maybe I do know why and just don't want to say it. Facing the fact that I have allowed someone like my WAS to do this to me over and over is shameful. She's like a drug that I cannot let go of. Your also right about my kids. I have let her hurt them again. I always thought when I heard of other couples going through what I'm going through, that I would never stand for it and would walk the other way and never look back. Yet here I am once again. The addict.
Sandi it wasn't that I didn't respect the advice I was getting. It was the advice I didn't want to hear. If that makes sense? You see I wanted her back so bad I would have done anything and what I was being told seemed counter productive to where I wanted to be. I didn't want to wait. Big mistake ... lessen learned. I know I got all worked up when she text'd me 2 days ago. However, I leveled my thoughts and did an about face. Deep down inside I know this is not the woman I should spend the rest of my life with. It is just so damned hard to detach. At times I feel I'm walking down wind through a hurricane with debris knocking the heck out of me all along the way. I took the easy road or so I thought. WAS never had the intent on making the marriage work. She wanted a place to lay her head. Wanted the security of shared expenses. UGH! lord help me to be strong. If not for me, but for my kids sake.
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
Had a good couple of days thinking very little about WAS as I can. Hard to keep her totally out of my mind since she is now texting me daily. Chit chat stuff ... nothing serious. Not sure if I should keep replying to her or not. I was her best friend while we were together. We texted each other good mornings ... how our day was going ... what to cook for dinner etc. etc. etc. I see these new text as nothing but the same context as those we sent to each other while she planned her exit. Is she wanting her friend back ... but not the husband? Is she playing with me to see if she could come back. Or is she now just lonely being single again? Who knows! I do know Sandi2 woke me up. My kids are doing just fine without the drama around the house. They're helping around the house without any lip what so ever. My D comes and gives me a big hug when I walk through the door after work. She didn't do this when WAS and I were together. She did see WAS do it everyday so maybe she's imitating her a bit. Whatever the cause I like it.
The kids and I are starting to settle into our new lives without "Mom" in it. I know I cannot make WAS spend more time with them that is something she will have to do on her own. I will have to set boundaries with her though. When WAS does want to spend time with them she just text them she's picking them up without discussing with me if we had plans or not. Just I'm coming to get you. I see I need to get the book concerning boundaries and how to set them.
I'm really not sure what I want anymore. Maybe setting these boundaries will give me direction and more self worth.
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
