Please realize that I not only believe in doses of tough love, but I speak it also.
Being in the position you are in, I can understand why you want to tell your W how much you love her, etc. However, you need to back off and leave her alone, or she'll never be yours again. As it is, try telling yourself that she may not be yours today....but with time and DBing application, she can be yours later.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Cam it's been nearly 3 months since I told my H that I love him. In fact I think this whole situation has shown me just how much I do love him! It's hard to not reach out and tell them - because in our thinking (especially when they tell you that they don't feel loved) it makes sense to tell them that you do love them.
Remember time and patience. Slow and steady wins the race. She will contact you soon - I guarantee it.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
So I had my session with the DB coach today. Not sure how to interpret or activate what he said. Basically he wants me to initiate a contact with my W, and encourage her to walk away by coming and getting her stuff from the house or me dropping it off to her. And during that process i acknowledge what she has been saying with regards to how I was and how I treated her, and say that I dont blame her for doing what she's doing and I understand the hurt and pain I inflicted. I guess I have nothing to lose given the position I'm in, but I feel like I'm encouraging her to walk away and I hate the thought of her cleaning out our house, it just seems so final. But as he said, I am on borrowed time. She will move back to the States in a few months, so I don't have much opportunity to turn this around. Every time we've spoken its always gone so bad and I tell her she's making a mistake and we need to fix this, so I just feel it would go this way again. Don't know what to do now, or whether I just stay away and 'dark' He spoke about "dropping rope". How effective is this and what are the implications and actions?
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
By dropping the rope you don't offer any more resistance to what she wants. She has nothing to pull against anymore. You give her her freedom to do as she wishes, which translates into an action based way of respecting her decision and choices, even if it hurts you to do it.
Yes, doing it blows. You really don't do yourself any favours by hanging on though. Just shows them you're not listening, facing up to reality, and in a sense pursuing them.
I went through the same thing. The stuff H. left behind was sitting here, like a bad odor for months. My DB coach recommended the same thing. So I packed up the stuff, put it in a storage locker, paid first month's rent and gave H the key,contract and security information. I could not pack and store his desk. I got rid of that 3 weeks ago as my children were using it as a "shrine".
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Oh before any confusion sets in, the kid had stopped using as a shrine before I dismantled and got rid of it. They are wanting to use that space as their own private sitting area for their friends to visit in. I'll be buying some bean bags and a couple small tables, a lamp and a shojii screen to fill it.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
So my W just texted me saying: "Hi, hope you've been well, just wondering when there is a good Saturday for me to come over and collect my personal belongings from the house" I haven't responded yet, not sure what to say or how to approach this. Any thoughts??
M 35 W 31 Separated 2/2011 but still together Ended it 4/2011 Together 8 yrs Married 3.5 yrs Lawyers involved 6/2011
