Thought I'd share this story with y'all. It’s a happy one.
About a year ago a good friend of mine called in tears telling me that his wife had just told him that she was leaving him, taking their two little children and moving to a city 1,500km away. He was devastated.
She'd become friends with an old boyfriend on facebook, had been having an EA (at least) with him, she'd NEVER been happy in their relationship, and it was all over. She displayed all the same symptoms you’d expect, rewrote history, made it all his fault, couldn’t remember ever being happy … this from a woman who had spent the past 10 years following him around the world, living in exotic places, adoring him. To anyone looking at them, you would have said they were the perfect couple.
My gorgeous friend seemed to get the concepts of DBing intuitively and despite his complete devastation – particularly at being separated from his kids for half the time , agreed to sell the house, split the assets and respect whatever decision she made. He left her alone.
He works in the resources sector and is away for 2 weeks, home for 2 weeks – so he moved to the same city she was going so he could have his children with him when he was on break.
He tried to pick up his life. He went to counseling, reengaged with the world, took up old hobbies (camping with the children, motorcycling when he was alone, travelling when he could) – he was broken and in terrible pain, but he made a decision to get on with his life in whatever shape that had to be. He dated a couple of women, nothing serious, and spent a lot of time working on himself.
He went home on break last week, and he’d mentioned to me that he’d made the decision that now it’s been a year he was going to speak to her about finalizing the last part of their affairs and going through with the divorce. He was sad, but resolute. He wanted his family back. He loves his children and he’s a real homebody, loves pottering in his garden, doing the Dad stuff, he’s just a family man – but he refused to put his life on hold any longer and had decided if he couldn’t have those things with his wife, he was going to find it with someone else.
He rang me this morning, to tell me that he’d spoken to his wife last night. He told her that he thought they should move on formalizing the paperwork and she said …. I don’t want to get divorced. I’ve realized what I had with you and I can’t think of the rest of my life without you and my family.
The affair didn’t last long, about 3 months after she moved to his city, they broke up and she’s been trying to figure out what she wanted ever since – and she missed him. She watched him living his life, doing fine without her and she realized what she was throwing away.
He’s cautious, but optimistic. They’ve agreed to go to counseling and if everything goes well, they hope to move back in together around Christmas time.
Loving someone enough, to respect even their poor decisions, is a precious gift … and it really worked for my friend.
Great story. I hope they take it slow and get the tools they'll need to fully recover.
I don't think time alone and apart, by itself, provides those tools...
I'm a big believer in marriage workshops or Retrovaille...but don't want to rain on the parade.
It's always good to hear these stories...pass it on!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree with you both. They've got lots of work to do. he's done a lot of work on himself, but she's only just starting to get her sh!te together. (and the part I didn't mention is that she doesn't work, and now that the money has run out from the sale of house etc, he's a much better option than the dole queue ... but that's my cynical side coming out)
She's agreed to go to MC for the first time, which is a good start. The thing I worry about with him, is that he so wants to have his family back, he'll put up with a lot. That's a journey he has to take.
What I think the story illustrates is that his dignity and respect, got them to this stage - he DB'd like a pro ... their love and commitment for each other are going to have to take them the rest of the way.
Yep - I've put him onto this place ...
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
