Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[MadeToSucceed]

Thanks MHL.

I appreciate the words. And you're right. My GAL is helping me to make it more routine...not in terms of on schedule but in terms of a newer, fuller way of life.

That being said, I'm not resolved to "get as much as I can and move on." There's still 2 months until mediation and while I don't plan on "doing" anything to change her, I'm not going to give up hope and stop fighting this thing spiritually until it is over.

I fully understand that by my faith I have the ABILITY to choose not to be married but that is obviously not my desire.

I recognize that I can't change her or speed her process up. I haven't spoken to her since last Saturday, August 13th. That's also the last time I saw her. I know that's only 11 days and that may not seem like much but in the 7 years that I've been been with this woman, we've never gone that long not communicating in some shape form or fashion.

For some more GAL'ing I found something on LivingSocial for 20 Yoga classes. It cost me $30 so I figured why not give it a try. Will help me with some of my back pain hopefully and also help me with my continued quest to improve my physique.

Now...I'm doing this all for me but obviously I'd love for her to notice. Since we don't talk and no longer live together, the only way she'd be able to do so is by checking my facebook or twitter posts I suppose or even asking someone else about me. Otherwise, how do you "show" your WW the "new" you?

Also, had something interesting happen today...had a quick chat with her sister via text. She told me she'd actually talked to my brother and that he was doing well. Then she asked me what I was doing on September 24th. She invited me to her birthday celebration in California. I expressed my reluctance because of her sister and what her parents may think and just the sheer awkwardness. She basically told me it's her party and who cares what they think. Obviously she loves her sister but she's also expressed to me over the past few months she does not agree with her sister's actions but at the end of the day, nobody can control her.

She said her parents have stated they aren't taking sides because they didn't live in our home and while I get that, I guess I know 1) at the end of the day I'm expendable because I'm not blood and 2) I get frustrated because her father is a pastor and initially when I went to him he was somewhat interested in participating in talking to her and even gave me some advice. When he found out about me taking the money he basically wrote me off, said he wasn't surprised and that me doing that "took my W somewhere else" and would no longer discuss it with me. I even asked if I could drive to meet with him in person and he declined.

So I say all this to say...I really don't know I guess...in many ways I'm kind of venting. In some ways I'm asking for a take on the situation.

It is interesting though. My sister-in-law's birthday celebration is on Sept 24th. My W's birthday is on Sept. 25th. I asked if my W was coming and my sister-in-law responded "I didn't ask her. I figured she'd be doing her own thing. And it's my party so why does it matter." The other interesting end of that is for the last 7 years, I've planned something for my W's bday and usually manage to pull off some pretty good and thoughtful surprises ranging from parties to surprise dinners to last year me even paying for a personal shopper to basically bring her clothes and get her all jazzed up for dinner.

I'm 100% certain her sister isn't up to anything foul in terms of trying to sleep with me or anything like that but I don't know how to play it or what to really make of it. She told me I'm still like a brother to her and that she loves me all the same. That all through college she was able to talk to me about anything and that she still feels the same way now despite the pending divorce.

It seems like there are people who have drawn a line in the sand and choose not to deal with either me (i.e. her parents) or my W (i.e. 2 couples we are friends with no longer "deal" with her because of the way my W treated them when they tried to approach her about the situation...I've learned WAS' don't like to hear from married folks when they're in the midst of their A's.) OR people basically say "I don't condone it but I can't control it so oh well" and they keep on acting as if nothing is different.

That's part of my struggle...seeing her post all this Godly stuff knowing what she is doing...seeing others that know still joking around with her and/or planning trips with her, etc. I just don't get it. I'm not wishing she become an outcast or exiled or anything but...I don't know. Its just a weird paradigm.

I know for a FACT if I knew my brother or best friend or father were cheating on their spouse, I just couldn't have anything to do with them on a social level because it's just NOT RIGHT. I would tell them my thoughts, tell em I love em and beyond that, wouldn't be able to participate. I couldn't drive them to the airport to go see another woman. I wouldn't go on a trip with them to reap the benefits of being around another. Hell I would never even pass along their contact info. I wouldn't even be able to kid around with them publicly through social media because I'd feel guilt by association in a sense. Like I was saying "what is happening is ok." Beyond emergency situations, I just wouldn't be able to have much to say to them because I would've lost too much respect for them and felt like the guy driving the getaway car even though I didn't rob the bank.

How are others able to be so "ok" with things? Is it just a sign of how messed up our society is? Is it that we are socialized as a body to believe "if you aren't 'happy' just get a divorce and try again? It just...disturbs me I guess.