Just as a reiteration, it is not a matter of if. It is a matter of when. I think AB's friend underscores that with action. Deal with it or it will deal with you.
Given those choices, you have to ask if your life is worth the price to pay to hang on. Your health, both emotionally and physically. To hang on to somebody that is unwilling to help themselves or just doesn't want to be around you any longer (for whatever reason). Is that worth your mental and physical health when they may not even give it a second thought at this point?
My answer is no. It is not. That took me a long time to get to that point and I see what many others have said before me: it is time that was wasted because I can't change things and I can't get that time back.
I can't change things in the past. I can change things going forward. I choose to. I put sooooooo much effort into it it's scary sometimes (to me).
I realize that it's much more important to focus on me and my needs than to hang on to a person that no longer wants to be with me.
I was married, happily for over 17 (knew her for 20+ and travelled the world and had two kids with her) years when the bomb was dropped. Similar to other stories to be sure, but in my case my ex also tried/tries very hard to inflict pain where possible while blaming me for everything. Fun stuff. I absorbed much of it. I didn't fight back very much. Very passive about a lot of it. Passive/agressive I'm sure would be the term. But know what? I know I fought back in the only way open to me without damaging my kids any more than they are. I chose that route to protect them.
The only cost that might have been avoided was my own sanity. The jury is still out on that one but looking at it I very much could have chosen at any time to pull the plug. I in no way have even one tiny regret about what I've done over the past 20 years and would have done it all again.
Before you protest, my ex certainly does better with medication and possibly professional help. I learned and accepted I cannot help her. Like a drowning person, she has to allow that help or I have to let her drown unless I'm willing to drown with. I have repsonsibility to my children and so that's not even an option. I'm glad it's not but spent time worrying about those kind of decisions.
I mention all of this to point out that you make the choices even where you think you have no choice.
Take care of yourself and seek out those who will be there for you that can understand what you are talking about and can empathize. Online is fine, but believe me it is no substitute for the personal touch and interaction.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
but looking at it I very much could have chosen at any time to pull the plug. I in no way have even one tiny regret about what I've done over the past 20 years and would have done it all again. 