Punches??What punches?

[Redo]

Thanks 2Step. Yea definitely daughter is my first priority.

Journaling....

Just this morning i was thinking about my sitch and on how stagnated it was. Well W made it interesting. She called up asking to talk.

So 2 weeks ago, the macho me told her that i would ask her once if she wanted to come back. I thought she forgot and did not want to ask about it.

Apparently she had been thinking about it. In a nutshell, she called up to say that she is still thinking and that she is figuring out stuff on her own.

That is good. But the whole conversation with her just bought back bad memories. Not the details of the convo, but the way it went.

Wife kept telling me of her own discovery. For the most part i listened and answered her questions. Occasionally i added my own wisdom i gained. Some things that did stick with me are.

1: She still somehow feels that the community is not gonna let her be if she takes the decision to divorce.

2: She reading some books and already reaching conclusions that if she decides to come back then she just tune out my issues. That's not the right approach.

3: Again she keeps telling me on how her decision to divorce was a good one as it helped 'all' of us. In a way i agree with her. But we could have chosen a better way to figure out our issues.

4: All those words that i used to freak out when talking to her just came back. It really took me back about 8 months. And that familiar fear came back. statements like "Just forget it. my mistake to expect this from you", "This has always been an issue in our marriage. Nothing has changed", "Why is it that it is so hard to have a convo with you??".

I feel like a fool after the convo that i am scared just like how i was in the past. I thought i'd never let that fear come to me. But it did. Now i am wondering if made any progress at all.
Now with this convo, I am having a bad feeling on getting back with her. I just experienced the past today and it was not good.
I am happy now with whatever i have left. If my wife's attitude has not changed at all, I dont think wanna get back on that boat.

She even talked about coming to me and sitting down and talking. I am not sure about what. Then she tells me that she is in no way ready to bring daughter back with her until she and I can have a good R. I told her that the step to piecing begins with what she wants first. Later we can think about daughter. Then she gets upset.

another whopper was when she asked me why i wanted her back. I told her "I told you the reason last time we talked. It is because i still have feelings for you". Then she says thats not sufficient. I am not sure what else is she expecting. I though love or having 'feelings' toward someone was important. She says that respect is important, which i agree. Then she starts talking about how we put each other down. I am not sure what she's trying to do. Rehash the past, or try to work toward the future.

All this 'drama' i have experienced in the past. Today when i talked with her, i felt down, like i made zero progress, like i have no clue what i was doing. But in reality i see my life and i know that i am in control, that i have setup my own little life and my own routines. Do i really want her to come and judge me and make me feel like crappy?

Compared to getting back with her, this lonely life of mine seems much better.