She's STILL running away!!!!

[aeolianchaos]

RO,

Hope you don't mind me interjecting a little bit. You have gotten some great advice from some pretty awesome women. And truegritter, too. Maybe I can add something to that with regards to the whole 'patience' thing.

process may make me feel better about myself but it also makes it easier for my W to just stroll through this D process with as little “resistance” as possible.

If it does, it does.

But you are also changing the dynamics of the relationship by doing this. Taking pressure onto yourself doesn't actually remove pressure from her. If anything, it takes away her opportunity to put it on you.

The impulses you are discussing aren't really instinctual - humans have very few real defined instincts. They are basically expressions of how you tend to interact with the world and a reflection of your beliefs on how you achieve what you want.

That said - still really hard to change operating procedures!

She has no one on her “side” that will ask her any critical questions. It seems to me that I am the only one that has the stones to do it. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe her family and friends are stronger advocates than I realize. Maybe they just have different styles and tactics.

I relate to this, R.O.. Its how I perceive things likely are with my WAW. I would go as far to say that a lot of people are saying "I can't make that decision for you" and she interprets it as being supportive. She might very well just avoid the people who disagree with her.

Ultimately, her choice is going to have to be intrinsically motivated. I think what Sandi is telling you is that you've got to trust that putting external motivations on her to change a big part of who she is right now, probably isn't going to work out so well.

It sounds like you are making some very sincere efforts to change your personal stuff and I am impressed a lot of those things. It took a lot for me to start shaving every day too.

I wonder if complementing her about dealing w/ the situation is such a good idea.. you say that you think your problems are about a 1 on a 1-10 scale. So do you really think she is showing strength and grace in what she is doing?

The thing about impatience is that there is usually an underlying current of anger that runs through it - anger that the situation is what it is, and not what you want it to be. This can get us messed up. We can really lose ourselves in the past and future - we become less capable of dealing with what is, right now.

I don't know if you've got any experience with it - but meditation can be really helpful with these things. It's free and all you have to do is breathe. Simple.