Valeska, sometimes I need a 2X4 treatment. I appreciate the perspective and you are right. BGP=big girl panties….basically my W having to deal with the process and ramifications this D will have on us and our extended families. Good luck to you my friend.
Thank you MLC. I have definitely picked up my “fathering game” since W asked for D. I know they will need a lot of love as we proceed down this path. I have a new perspective about them and people’s happiness in general and I now have a lot more internal joy when I see theirs.
Incidentally, W asked me several weeks ago why I was spending more time with kids. I told her “I am simply trying to show them as much love as I can”. Her response was “I think I’m going to be sick”. She is hurt by the fact that I get more time with them since she works a lot of hours. I love my kids dearly. My intimacy issues have hindered my ability to express it freely even to them. I am sure you’re right that my new found emotional attachment to them will become attractive to W.
I have processed the EA. I have told her I forgive her (even though she still doesn’t admit wrongdoing). I no longer obsess about it…I did for several months. Sure I still think about the OM, but I am pretty convinced he is out of the picture. I am not going to “challenge” her. I realize where she was emotionally when it started. Doesn’t justify it but I understand it.
Here is my “problem” in general with working the DB process. My main issue is patience. I am not a patient person by nature. I am very goal oriented. I like to see progress. I need to know that what I am doing is getting me to my goal. With regards to DB’ing, I know it’s making me better personally. No question. My difficulty is making that the only goal…..it seems it’s only half my goal. The other half is saving my M. I do see that my actions are resulting in less negatives from W but very few positives. I need to get better at seeing these things a small wins. I know I can’t control her. I guess I’m frustrated she hasn’t acknowledged things. I need to be patient. I need to work on making my own growth my only goal.
I am now more open about my feelings. I openly accept alternative viewpoints as valid. I used to be very black and white. I have started sharing details of my experiences of my parents D. Never really talked about it. I have started talking more freely with her and not requiring her to ask several questions to get the “whole story”. I am speaking confidently again. I am volunteering at a local charity. I am spending time with family that I sort of alienated in the past. I am sharing thoughts of those experiences with her. I am making great eye contact. I am talking calmly almost all of the time. I am listening to her and others. I am telling my kids I love them much more. I am being much more patient with them. I am hugging them much more. I am playing with them more. I am spending a lot more quality time with them. I am much more confident about myself. I am shaving every day. I am wearing better clothes around the house and in public. I am working out a lot. I am keeping my appearance up in general. I am starting conversations about other people’s experiences/issue and showing true compassion for their situations. I joined the YMCA which she wanted to do for over a year. I am having phone conversations out in the open….used to leave the room. I am more positive and upbeat in general. I am consciously trying to avoid negative statements. I am listening to music more. I am watching much less TV. I am paying her compliments about her appearance (not too frequently). I am occasionally telling her I admire her strength for how she is dealing with this sitch while working so many hours at her stressful job. I am complimenting the improvements she is making in her running. I am asking frequent questions about the people in her life that are dealing with physical ailments. I am acting “As If” as much as possible. There are more……..
Our boys are 5 and 7 so they will not know about the EA. We have explained why Mommy is sleeping in another room and why we are doing things separately with them but that is it.
She very simply doesn’t trust me. She doesn’t trust my changes. She things they are attempts to manipulate her into staying. She views everything I do or say with skepticism. She dissects everything I do to find negatives spins on them. Maybe consistency and time will fix this.
I do not feel my pain is “special”. I know D is extremely traumatic for everyone involved. It is unbelievably painful. I do feel my situation is special as are others. I have read extensively and have seen numerous people on this site that have been dealing with their situations for a year or more. I have four months. I have a timeline. We are in D process. As we progress, it seems it will be more difficult to turn back. That’s one perspective I am dealing with. I need to minimize this one. The other perspective is that I need to keep DB’ing to make it more difficult for her to take the next step. She sees the new me, she just thinks it’s a sham. Maybe as the days tick by, she will start to trust it enough to back off the accelerator a little.
She says she needs space and I am trying to give it to her as much as possible while living in the same house. She is anxious in my presence. I am sure she has an unbelievable amount of conflicting thoughts going through her head.
With regards to the BGP’s….progressing with the D is difficult and stressful for anyone. This is especially so for my W. She is acting so out of character it is unbelievable. She is just quitting on us and I know she knows it. On a scale of 1 to 10 for issues people get divorced for, I would rate ours about a 1. She knows we haven’t tried “everything”. She is carrying tremendous guilt for breaking our family up. She is basing a lot of her positions and thoughts on assumptions about what I think about things and they simply are not reality. I have told her that before I started DB’ing. She has told me she doesn’t know how she is going to explain it to the kids when they are older. I’m not sure if it’s vindictive or not but progressing through this D is going to require increasing levels of strength from her (especially if I stay on track). I hope her resolve weakens but am preparing for that not to happen. She is learning more and more about what D means and it’s far reaching ramifications.
I thank you TG. I am taking a wait and see approach to this. It is very difficult. Trust me, I have been humbled for the first time in my life. I picking myself up by the bootstraps and improving myself.
As I have stated above, I need patience more that anything right now. I am expecting reactions or acknowledgements from her that simply are not there….probably won’t be for a long while. I need to strengthen my resolve.
I THANK ALL OF YOU FOR HELPING ME AVOID ANOTHER SETBACK HERE!!! I don’t want any more and can’t afford any more.
