She's STILL running away!!!!

[25yearsmlc]

One other thought....isn't this a bit of a game??? Putting a happy face on when you are miserable. Not talking when it's really what you want to do.

If by games, you mean "tactics to obtain the resuling change in the OTHER person" rather than actual internal change in YOU (=becoming the best YOU that you can become,

and then leaving the results up to God/universe), then so be it.

It's Your loss if you see it that way...and the loss of your m in all likelihood....

Not asking my W where she was last night even though it eats away at me.

B/C this isn't about Your wife filling Your needs right now...

it's about YOU working on you, doing the 180s (which are???)

GAL - and becoming the

best man and husband and father you can.

I can tell you for sure that as a mother, I cannot imagine a woman being unmoved, by seeing the loving interaction of her children with their father.

I daresay it's at least an emotional turn on if not more...be the best dad you can be --NOT to get HER back, ***"tactic alert, tactic alert"****


but to be the best dad you can be, knowing your kids need you now more than ever. And yes, it's attractive as hell.


No longer challenging W on her EA even though it has consumed my thoughts for 8 months....

B/c you believe she'll think you forgot about it if you don't remind her of it eery chance you get AND that you still harbor resentment?

oh that...BTW, all this talk about reconciling is pointless if one forgets that if you want your spouse to return to you the KEY is

THEY have to be convinced that marriage to you would be better "from this day forward" than before...

What is different about you now than before? (Hence the 180s)...how are you contrasting the negative images she has or created, so she could justify leaving the marriage? THINK ABOUT THAT...

You must contrast those negatives with positives so she can see that her "data" about you is NOT REAL now...if you were late a lot, now be early for appointments. That's an easy unemotional trait

but I"m sure you can think of more personal or emotional issues or traits that you could do some 180s on, that would benefit you and your m and your w.

(regardless of whether her complaints were ever valid or partly or at all, IS NOT the point...point is demonstrating that NOW you are a better man--in fact--the best man for her and the kids....Get it? Lose the past or be bound to repeat it)

The more you bring up the EA or "challenge it", the more that two bad things will continue to happen.

First, challenging/questioning her choice you will force her to defend her choices so that will mainly cement those choices in her mind.

Hey We all have egos, no one likes being wrong or having it publicly made so (the fewer people who know, the better b/c it's easier for her to return and besides you have kids...what are their ages and genders?--I'm big believer in NOT telling the kids of an a, esp an EA which for many many people is not nearly the line crosser it is for some...and it's too murky for a kid an way too painful to hear re their mother...

It's just tempting to be Proved "right" by staying with OM and marrying him and blah blah blah...rather than coming crawling back on their knees, which isn't likely but IS what some very angry LBSers have suggested in the past (just a few!) AND

Second, you want to Keep the Road Home, Paved and Smooth...BUT

bringing up the EA does the opposite!
it's already going to be damn difficult for her to return home.

The more you bring up the EA THEN

the more she'll fear you throwing it in her face down the road, every time you fight
OR

hold it over her head like the sword of Damacles....

do you see how bad that is for both of you? And the kids?

IMHO--Bottom line is if you KNOW you cannot or will not let the EA go, at some point & with her work...

don't bother with all this effort.

(And while yes, yes we know you will have your "boundaries and expectations"--save them FOR LATER for the day we hope will come when she gives a hoot about what YOUR needs and Wants are b/c I"m guessing she feels she has done the bulk of the work in the marriage...and since you are the one posting here YOU are the one doing the work.

Our Dream Goal- It every LBSers hope that the changes they (the LBSer) have made are good ones they wanted to make anyhow AND that the spouse notices,
& believes your changes are real, & that if she comes back to you, the changes will remain permanent. People CHANGE. Every single day. WE make choices every day. Free will...

I get and appreciate the process on it's merits. I have bought into it or else I wouldn't be here. I just wonder if it can be tailored to fit individual situations in a more expeditious manner........maybe it can't.

Um yeah see, um NO...I mean sure we all have to try & see what works and then monitor...that's the crux of it.

"A more expeditious manner..." really? Your pain must be unique or special, whereas our situations are mild annoyances that we don't mind dragging on for years.

NOT SO...it sukks for all of us. But your controlling nature is not helping you accept what is...b/c it is reality! IF you are not able to do this approach, so be it. GIve her an ultimatum and be prepared for the worst answer you can get....oh, that wasn't you goal? Then stop going there.

For me, here's what DBing does at its' best.

Behaving in a way that improves a relationship is Doing what works to make that happen.

That is 'solution based therapy; a simple but radical concept forming the cofd that does NOT mandate we all know why we felt abandoned at age 9 or molested or have mommy issues or how we felt the first time etc etc...THOSE issues ARE important...but there are other places for those to be worked on.

HERE we simply want to be better partners by figuring out what helps our M's and doing more of those behaviors, and learning Not to do what hurts the Ms...even if we think we are "Right" to engage in a 'not working' behavior...

make sense?

DBing is not about being "right, damn it!", but about being happy. Ask yourself honestly, which is more important to you and whether that choice is revealed in your actions,...


I need to let my W wear her BGP's.

I don't know what you mean by this^^^ sentence.

IF you are in a position to set and enforce a boundary, so be it. Great...

IF you are reacting due to: anger, frustration, pride, a wounded ego,

and or desire to "teach her a lesson" or "show her the consquences of her actions" PLEASE KNOW

this is NOT coming from a place of love or light or, wisdom in you.

It sounds mostly punitive, or worse. And it will make you look vindictive and backfire.

So until I know specifically what you mean, that's all I can say. Well,

And good luck!!