more nightmares... this time I was at a bar with a happy couple and the hopelessness consumed me. I watched them with envy, as I so often was happy couples in real life. They joked and touched as I sat pretending that I was somehow part of their happiness.
I ordered drinks to drown my pain. Each drink was named some degrading nick name for a wife like, "ball and chain", "taskmaster", or "bitch". I suppose those are all things I subconsciously feel about myself.
I can't go on like this. I am a mess. What happened to the "me" of last week who had all the hope in the world. He is killing me inside. Worse, he is asking me to make these decisions for him and kill myself. I already feel like the shell of a woman. Hollow with a shriveled sole. I fear I will never trust or respect another person fully. I feel like there was never meant to be love, comfort and happiness for me. I feel like everything I ever knew to be true in life was all a lie.
I don't ever want to be fooled into thinking I could ever trust or respect someone again because I will just be left behind once more.
Me: 32/ H: 32/ S13/ D5 T: 15/ M: 8 Rock bottom: 4/11 ILYB: 5/11, but I knew it at least a yr before Gaining acceptance: 8/11
You must be the change you wish to see. - Mahatma Gandhi
