She's STILL running away!!!!

[Queen_of_Swords]

I have started perusing online dating sites. I haven’t contacted anyone, but it helps me to see that there is potential out there. I hate to think that I will have to start barhopping to meet women. Been there, done that. It has its upside but I’m 40…..turning into the dirty old man at the bar.

I have tried the dating sites and I'll pass on what I've learned. Not to discourage you, but so that you're aware.

Walk into this with your eyes open, it's the wild west out there. There are predators ( sexual and financial). I could give you a list of what to watch for but your experience may differ.

I found that there are a lot of damaged people that have the potential( if you choose to let your hormones run you) to inject more chaos in your life or devalue you to make themselves feel better or to obtain what they wanted without consideration for you.

Be true to your values. Recognize your own self worth, don't settle for less than what you're worth, keep your eyes peeled and your senses sharp and you'll be alright.

[sandi2]

I hate to think that I will have to start barhopping to meet women.

Why in the name of goodness would you look for a woman who goes to bars? Would you want a wife who barhops?

If the D goes through and you do get out there dating, why not go where the standards & values are higher than the women who barhop?

[Reallyover]

QOS, Thanks for the info. Things have certainly changed since I've been single. I'm sure I'm looking at a learning curve. Thanks for helping smooth the curve a little. I'm pretty cautious by nature.

Sandi, I here you. I wouldn't look to get involved with a habitual "bar" girl. I've been out of college a long time The irony of your words is that my W has become a bit of a barhopper and I want her more than anything. Obviously not because of, but in spite of. I plan to pursue several social avenues if it comes to that. I do enjoy occasionally hitting the bars with friends to help unwind. The Y has turned out to be a pretty good venue for meeting people.

[25yearsmlc]

What Gabby and Sandi said^^^^...Golden words...

Of the 40 or so men I dated...I met exactly ONE in a bar. And he was a jerk. And I only met maybe 3 jerks.

I know people who have met their spouses in bars but not lately and not many.

There are so many ways (GAL is the main one) to meet good healthy people.
Classes, seminars, church, sports, clubs, meetings, JOIN things, meet new people...
I have a brother and a sister who met their present spouses online on a dating site, but they were very specific & detailed...

and the other 6 siblings met in more traditional ways (and through other siblings.)

Can't imagine thinking that a bar would be the place.

Dig a little more and find out exactly what it is you are searching for...b/c I think you are settling big time. And acting out of fear of being alone.

The only thing worse than being alone, is wishing you were.

If you are the type of man to NEED a woman (any woman will do) you won't be a great companion. You need to see that...

[Reallyover]

Good point on need vs. want. Funny thing is, I was so fiercely independent throughout my M that there were several times that my W told me that “You don’t need me”. I was too ignorant to see what an opportunity that was for me and our M. I should have realized how important she actually was to me. More importantly, I should have told her. I should have shown her. I was not a good husband. These realizations help strengthen my resolve to make the changes I am making in myself. I hate who/what I was. I like who I am becoming.

I understand that my statements may make it seem that I plan to latch onto the first woman I can. Not what I meant. I have no real social circle here. We have been away for over a decade and most of my friends have moved away. When I say I “need” a woman in my life, I don’t mean I need some barfly to move in and take care of me. I simply need to build my social network so that I feel that I have hope of meeting someone that may be what I am looking for in a committed relationship. Right now, my options are pretty limited. Not hopeless, just limited. Most of my acquaintances are married and the ones that are not, aren’t really the type of people I typically socialize with. I hope my GAL activities will help improve that situation.

BTW…just got a call from my atty saying it’s time to pick a mediator. Sent quick TM to W telling her that. Her response was “OK”.

[Reallyover]

OK, need some help here. The call about the mediator got me thinking. This D is about to take another large step forward. I have a feeling the discussion about assets, child support, etc is going to cause a considerable amount of tension for my wife. She makes a good living and has pretty much been the bread winner for the last 2 ½ yrs. Not good for her in this circumstance.

I understand the whole concept of DB’ing. Here’s the issue: I am going to be fine even if this D goes through. I am GAL’ing, etc and plan to keep doing that irregardless. The real issue here is that I want to save my family. I think that possibility becomes less likely the more steps we take towards finalizing the D.

My W is the sweetest person I have ever met. She will one day regret how she is acting and what she is doing. I know this with absolute certainty. I am almost equally certain that our M issues could be resolved if we were both on board with trying to fix them.

I understand that following the DB plan to the letter, I should remain silent about the M. I should let her come to me. She is not right in the head at the current moment and I know that that is typical in these situations. I simply cannot see how it makes sense for me to let her walk off a cliff without challenging her at some point. I do not mean I am going to be the groveling, pathetic idiot I was when first told me she wanted a D. The doormat has been rolled up and put in the trash. I am talking about the new, confident and attractive me that wants to ask her direct questions about whether she is absolutely certain that she wants to proceed down this path.

Waiting for her to “snap out of it” may be a good strategy under “normal” circumstances. However, I am on the clock…we are in the D process. Asking her direct, rational questions may give her an easier way to back down rather than her having to take more of the initiative.

I have to challenge her at some point for all our sakes. I just don’t know what the best time is. Is it now? Is it the day before we go to mediation? Is it after she shows me a more direct sign of her wavering on her stance?

[sandi2]

This is what you said on the 8th of this month:

I have officially dropped the rope. My W, or whatever being has occupied her body, can run. It will be difficult but I’m done.

What was that all about?

I have to challenge her at some point for all our sakes.

What are you calling a "challenge"? Asking her if she's sure she really wants to go this direction?

I understand the whole concept of DB’ing. Here’s the issue: I am going to be fine even if this D goes through. I am GAL’ing, etc and plan to keep doing that irregardless. The real issue here is that I want to save my family.

So what are you really saying? That DB was fine, but now it's got to the serious point and you've got to save your family?

You have been told not to pursue. You've been told not to have R talks. Is it the R talks or the pursuing that you are wanting to do?

Waiting for her to “snap out of it” may be a good strategy under “normal” circumstances.

What makes you think we ever talked about this as being NORMAL? What you are telling us is that we've just been playing a board game? That now you're going to do it "your" way? And after all that, you expect us to say "when" you are suppose to do this your way?

What ever made you think a WAW is going to snap out of it?

You haven't changed! You are still that same guy that thinks he can make her change her mind by TALKING TO HER. You are still that same guy WHO DOESN'T LISTEN!

[Reallyover]

Sandi, I need to start by saying that I truly value your opinion. Your posts have been and real asset to me as I try to navigate this train wreck. I think my posts are written in haste sometimes. I get a thought in my head and just throw it against the wall. That may make me look weak or seem as I am not listening.

Trust me. I am listening.

I do have recurring thoughts that this whole DB process may make me feel better about myself but it also makes it easier for my W to just stroll through this D process with as little “resistance” as possible. I am a goal oriented person. Going against my instincts for such a long period of time to accomplish my "goal" is unbelievably difficult for me.

I get that backing off her position is a decision she has to make. Unfortunately, I also know that this is literally the first issue she has ever taken a stand on since we have known each other. Backing off her stance is viewed as weakness in her eyes. She is trying to prove her strength.

My only reason for “challenging” her is to start a conversation. It seems to me that it would be easier for her back down if we are engaged in a conversation. I really get the sense she wants to but I also get that bringing it up may drive her away. She was completely naïve of the ramifications of D when she told me she wanted it. She has started to process it.

I am not a sit back and wait guy. I am completely the opposite in fact.

I get that your opinion is that I should keep my mouth shut and continue on the DB path diligently. My gut tells me to absolutely trust you and go there. I have a lot of respect for your opinions as I know you are the closest thing to my W that I have. You have been there. I plan to take your advice.

Here’s the issue on this one…..I was on another site similar to this when my W’s EA came to light. I followed the advice I was given to a T. It absolutely blew up in my face and my wife told me she wanted a D. It was an absolute flash point. I look back on that situation and wish I would have trusted my gut at least a little bit and not taken such a hard line with her.

She has no one on her “side” that will ask her any critical questions. It seems to me that I am the only one that has the stones to do it. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe her family and friends are stronger advocates than I realize. Maybe they just have different styles and tactics.

Sitting on the sidelines and just not confronting her goes completely against every cell in my body. I have grown enough in the last year to realize that maybe that is exactly what needs to happen. My instincts have led me to some dark places.

[Reallyover]

One other thought....isn't this a bit of a game??? Putting a happy face on when you are miserable. Not talking when it's really what you want to do. Not asking my W where she was last night even though it eats away at me. No longer challenging W on her EA even though it has consumed my thoughts for 8 months....

I get and appreciate the process on it's merits. I have bought into it or else I wouldn't be here. I just wonder if it can be tailored to fit individual situations in a more expeditious manner........maybe it can't.

I need to let my W wear her BGP's.

[Valeska19]

Really,
I'm not super familiar with your sitch but see that we are both in the same place as far as w.

My w wants a D and there is no way to stop her. I DB'ed, 180, and did that which I should do either. Nothing seems to change her mind. That sukks. So I get it and feel your pain.

Let it go honey. The ONLY person you can control is YOU. It doesn't matter what you say or do.. she will say and believe what she needs to in this moment of her life.

You say you want to challenge her. Then continue to be this "new, confident and attractive reallyover" that you say you are. If you ask the same question, regardless on whether it's the new you or the old you, you're gonna get the same answer.

25 reminded me tonight that we DB to save ourselves.. than MAYBE our m.

One other thought....isn't this a bit of a game??? Putting a happy face on when you are miserable. Not talking when it's really what you want to do. Not asking my W where she was last night even though it eats away at me. No longer challenging W on her EA even though it has consumed my thoughts for 8 months

It can be. People sure can misuse it that way. But I think it's more about your expectations. and right now it's about your expectations of her.. NOT You. How about you spin it to read it this way.

How do I stop putting on a happy face when I'm miserable and just be happy?
Why do I feel the need to talk to w?
Why does w going out bug me so much? What are my insecurities?
How can I get past the EA?

Not trying to slam you with 2x4's. I just want you to focus on you. I want you to take care of you.

I don't know to respond to the BGPs. I don't know what they are.