Sandi, I need to start by saying that I truly value your opinion. Your posts have been and real asset to me as I try to navigate this train wreck. I think my posts are written in haste sometimes. I get a thought in my head and just throw it against the wall. That may make me look weak or seem as I am not listening.

Trust me. I am listening.

I do have recurring thoughts that this whole DB process may make me feel better about myself but it also makes it easier for my W to just stroll through this D process with as little “resistance” as possible. I am a goal oriented person. Going against my instincts for such a long period of time to accomplish my "goal" is unbelievably difficult for me.

I get that backing off her position is a decision she has to make. Unfortunately, I also know that this is literally the first issue she has ever taken a stand on since we have known each other. Backing off her stance is viewed as weakness in her eyes. She is trying to prove her strength.

My only reason for “challenging” her is to start a conversation. It seems to me that it would be easier for her back down if we are engaged in a conversation. I really get the sense she wants to but I also get that bringing it up may drive her away. She was completely naïve of the ramifications of D when she told me she wanted it. She has started to process it.

I am not a sit back and wait guy. I am completely the opposite in fact.

I get that your opinion is that I should keep my mouth shut and continue on the DB path diligently. My gut tells me to absolutely trust you and go there. I have a lot of respect for your opinions as I know you are the closest thing to my W that I have. You have been there. I plan to take your advice.

Here’s the issue on this one…..I was on another site similar to this when my W’s EA came to light. I followed the advice I was given to a T. It absolutely blew up in my face and my wife told me she wanted a D. It was an absolute flash point. I look back on that situation and wish I would have trusted my gut at least a little bit and not taken such a hard line with her.

She has no one on her “side” that will ask her any critical questions. It seems to me that I am the only one that has the stones to do it. Maybe that’s not true. Maybe her family and friends are stronger advocates than I realize. Maybe they just have different styles and tactics.

Sitting on the sidelines and just not confronting her goes completely against every cell in my body. I have grown enough in the last year to realize that maybe that is exactly what needs to happen. My instincts have led me to some dark places.