Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

E, thanks. Ya, I am not sure if I did the right thing telling S13 my side of the story or not. Time will tell. I will stop resisting. I will do nothing, if possible. I am sure H will get S13 aside again and reiterate his side, but S13 can form his own opinion.

[soccerwife]

$40/hr massage in the office right across from mine. I feel very relaxed right now.

I just experienced my first earthquake too. It was weird.

So, I have had a couple firsts already today, what else is going to happen?

[soccerwife]

H is walking around the house slamming things and mumbled under his breath that I am avoiding him. What do I do?

I need help now.

I am trying to avoid D talk. Help.

[soccerwife]

Should I let him approach me respectfully rather than respond to the mumbling under breath?

[soccerwife]

Did I do the right thing? I said I couldn't talk tonight cuz I had to get a good night's sleep for work tomorrow. He said I am avoiding him. I said I would be glad to talk to him tomorrow. (I talk with Laurie in afternoon).

[soccerwife]

I am so terrified of what H will say tomorrow. I can't sleep at all anyway. I am having such anxiety right now I feel as though my lungs will be squeezed right out of my chest and out my mouth. My heart is beating so rapidly I just can't calm down.

I hope my talk with Laurie gives me the confidence I need to face a conversation with H.

I know what he is going to want me to talk about... a mediated D and what I expect it to look like. what do I say. Telling him it is his decision is starting to make him angry. I can't do this...

I have spent hours praying to God to help H see the truth, see the damage he is doing to this family.

How do I keep from going downstairs and begging him to stay? I can't do this...

[soccerwife]

losing my last shred of hope...

more nightmares... this time I was at a bar with a happy couple and the hopelessness consumed me. I watched them with envy, as I so often was happy couples in real life. They joked and touched as I sat pretending that I was somehow part of their happiness.

I ordered drinks to drown my pain. Each drink was named some degrading nick name for a wife like, "ball and chain", "taskmaster", or "bitch". I suppose those are all things I subconsciously feel about myself.

I can't go on like this. I am a mess. What happened to the "me" of last week who had all the hope in the world. He is killing me inside. Worse, he is asking me to make these decisions for him and kill myself. I already feel like the shell of a woman. Hollow with a shriveled sole. I fear I will never trust or respect another person fully. I feel like there was never meant to be love, comfort and happiness for me. I feel like everything I ever knew to be true in life was all a lie.

I don't ever want to be fooled into thinking I could ever trust or respect someone again because I will just be left behind once more.

[aeolianchaos]

Soccerwife,

Hang in there.

Don't let your husband's actions define you AT ALL. He is being inappropriate to say the least.

I mean seriously, slamming doors and muttering under his breath?

Where did he learn to behave this way?

I'm going to put a guess out there: As you said, your husband is trying to make you cooperate with whatever he feels his grand plan is. The thing is, its obvious that he doesn't want to handle any of the repercussions of it for himself. So the idea (and I remember doing this, when I was in my late teens..) is to make the situation miserable enough that you decide you want a divorce too. Then he can't be the one responsible. Saves his ego a lot.

Yinz gotta keep on keepin on either way.

It sounds like you are on a down swing, emotionally. It is good that you are talking with your DB coach today - I'm sure that will be helpful.

[soccerwife]

aeoleanchaos, with that yinz comment, I might think you are from pittsburgh as well.

I think you have his tactic right on. He will try to make me miserable and as for the D, and by me kicking him out or asking for the D then I am the bad guy, not him. He is super concerned about his image with my fam and our mutual friends. He is trying every tactic possible to get me to agree/go along with D.

I had my talk with Laurie today and she laid it out for me. I am between a rock and a hard place (compromise my morals and agree to D or make H mad by forcing him to make the decision). when I thought about it that plainly, the choice is obvious. I had been thinking of it as I had to be strong and let H go because I love him, but forcing him to make the decision takes much more strength and saves my integrity at the same time.

More on my talk with Laurie when I get a chance. My talk with her did not instill any of my hope back, if anything, I know that this will push H away, but at least I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for myself and my kids. My talk with her did clear a lot of things up and helped me pull myself back together.

I ain't going down without a fight.

[soccerwife]

I did exactly as Laurie recommended, I sent H a reminder that I was willing to talk but that he needed to approach me before 10 pm so that we could both get sleep (I put the ball in his court). He is stomping around the house and talking under his breath again. It really doesn't matter what I do, he will be upset. There is no pleasing an irritable person.