@ TM. I will let you know. That way you can tell me how it turned out. I haven't had cable in over 4 years.
@ 25. Thank you. It means alot that you say that.
It is DBing, but I've been spending alot of time in church, in prayer. I go to a church that really only speaks of God's love for us and others. No fire and brimstone. Just love others the way God loves us. If I'm honest, that's where alot of change is coming from. That's where the love for my w is coming from.
It's been a hard realization that NOT being married to my w right now (or maybe ever) is what God feels is best for me. My head is held high and I do not regret the efforts I did (and continue to put forward) for my w and our r. My 180's about being more positive, listening to her, not being defensive or judging really did help my sitch for a little bit.. but mostly, it helped changed my r's outside of m. Funny how that works.
The 180's for myself in regards the abuse have been difficult. Trying to break a cycle that has been going on for 8 yrs is a constant battle for me. It plays with my mind. If I'm not careful I can turn DBing or even showing God's love into an excuse for letting my w continue to treat me like sh!t. Say that's I can show her grace and love whilst she tries to control and punish me. Say "oh she's just angry or hurt" and while that may be true, that doesn't mean that "excuses" her actions.
I've come to realize that showing her grace, love, and compassion can happen w/o the m. In fact, loving her is giving her the D. Because when I do, I'm out of the picture. She can't use me to not deal with her demons, she can't use me to keep the cycle of abuse coming. She may or may not change, but with me out the picture.. she now has a chance to let God change her. To show her that she is worthy of love and has so much to offer the world. That is my prayer for her.
I also think I need to change my thread title. "too tired to fight" is no longer appropriate. I'm fighting like h3ll right now.. for myself. It's a long journey ahead. Dealing with my w will be like walking into a fire. However, as much as the s sukks, I feel (most days) that it's for the best. I heard a sermon how God allows a sh!tty situation to change people's hearts. I feel that's what's happening here.
Any good ideas for a new title anyone?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
