Preseason has begun...just trying to make the cut

[MadeToSucceed]

One more thing...trying to read through another person's thread and I saw this link to a blog posted:

http://myjourneyaftertheaffair.blogspot.com/2011/07/story-so-far.html

It is a WAW's account of what she was thinking and going through during and prior to coming back and what it has been like since she's been back. That's just the first entry but I read each one all the way up to present day and it REALLY did a number on me to help understand "where" my wife is and "where" I'd hope she gets. Not condone or provide her with any excuses but to kind of visualize how this whole thing is even possible for her.

May help some others so give the entire series of blog posts a read if you have some time. Sounds like her husband did some great DB'ing without even knowing it.

[Julz]

Glad to see you find that blog. The author has become a great friend of mine during this period for me (so much I'm planning to go and visit her in person in the coming months). She has really helped me keep a level head and approach my H in the right manner.

[MadeToSucceed]

Really wish I'd found it sooner. It's extremely intriguing to consider the things she describes and very eye opening. To "hear" from someone who has been a WAW how her husband's actions made her feel, I'm able to better understand WHY my actions pushed my wife away further and further, faster and faster and gives me further conviction on my current course of action.

[Julz]

Don't stress - we've all done things we've regretted! She's only been writing it a month or two anyway.

[westcoastfella]

Wow, finally got to the end of your journey thus far. What a rollercoaster it's been! Thanks for leading me to your threads, I have learned a lot through your example. A few thoughts on what I've read so far:

--"Nice Guys" are almost entirely summed up by their fear of abandonment, especially abandonment by their S. In order to prevent this from happening, they do everything possible to please their spouse, including not rocking the boat, doing everything for the S, and saying what they think S wants to hear (I've also heard this called "overcompliance.") Sadly, this "overcompliant" behavior actually does a better job at repulsing the S than attracting them. I doubt that your W was attracted to you in the beginning because you bent over backwards to please her in attempts to keep her from leaving you!

Believe me, I have been in your boat many times, i.e. obsessing about saying or doing the "right" thing to ensure that W will come back. You hit my own fear right on the head a few pages back about wanting to withdraw enough to make her miss you but not so much that you defy her attempts to "come back." I guess our lesson is this: We should just be ourselves as WE want to be, not our W's. It seems paradoxical to our "nice guy" personas, but our withdrawal from them contains our best bet to drawing our W's back. If our W's really do want to come back, THEY WILL FIND A WAY TO COME BACK. People will resort to "by hook or by crook" mode when they realize how important something is and that they just might lose it for good.

--Don't worry about OM whatsoever. I did this a lot, too, especially when my W went on about how much better he was than me in so many ways. From what I've read, A's are always about living a fantasy life away from the "shackles" of you, the M, & REALITY, and OM is just a symbol of that escape. Eventually, our W's will realize that they are grasping for dreams made out of smoke. (Sounds like mine is already quickly on that path...we'll see.) No relationship is perfect, especially M. If you keep jumping ship when the waters get rough, you'll be doing that your whole life. Just look at the people who get married 4+ times!

--I think you'll find that as soon as you start getting used to GAL-ing and detaching from your W, it gets easier. Hell, it's been two months for me and already I know that I'll be just fine no matter how this goes. I will miss her if our M truly does end, sure, but I've come to terms with my own self-esteem enough to know that I'll be just fine on my own. You'll get there soon enough as well, my friend...

[westcoastfella]

One more thing that I wanted to add as I thought of it out loud during a prayer with the Big Guy:

Basically, it seems to me that everybody on this board starts this process as a "one-down" (i.e. the one who has less power in the M and puts much more emotional investment in it). We all come to this board declaring, "I want to do everything possible to get my S back because I NEED him/her!" So we research and try to put into practice all of the "tricks" and "manuevers" designed to draw them back to us. "Oh, okay, so I won't call her, and when she calls me, I won't call until the next day. Also, I'll try to act really distant from her and not try to engage in conversation when we do call. And then..." The list goes on. Perhaps these things DO work, but in blindly engaging in them without the right mindset, we lose the point of this process.

It seems to me that wise veteran DB-ers understand the TRUTH of the process and try to beat it into the newbies' heads without much success at first. Eventually, with time and practice, it does sink in. The goal of DB-ing is not "winning your S back"; it's winning YOURSELF back. You back off from your S and start living your own life, and in doing so, you begin to realize that you're a much more complete person without your S than you had previously thought possible. It is at that point that our S' begin to realize the totality of the person that they might just lose -- this person now free of the manacles that dependency and overcompliance ultimately serve to constrict and enslave. They begin to see the wholeness of the person that they were attracted to so many years ago, and they then realize just what they'll be missing if they keep walking away...

[MadeToSucceed]

Glad you were able to take something from my experience..as I said on your thread...full of DONTS. Funny that I re-read it all today myself and saw how the more experienced DBers tried to beat it into me early and often and I just kept backsliding. In a way it's humorous because the more and more I verbalized that I got it, the more I'd dive back into the same methods that didn't work. Now that I'm just started to live it a little more, even though it's only been one week of no contact, I don't feel the intense need to scream it from the hills.

You're definitely right about the nice guy thing. I was long too worried about doing the wrong thing and walking on eggshells for my W's sake. I still do so to a large extent in that I'm still trying to protect her image and despite how I've been treated, do not want to hurt her in anyway. That being said, I don't want to hurt ME even more at this point. For me that has become empowering. I'm worth not hurting myself or allowing her to hurt me more than "necessary." The pain is already going to be there. No sense in me intensifying it by subjecting myself to treatment I don't have to. I love my W with all my heart...but I love me too!

I don't really worry about OM. I know my actions may not necessarily scream that but I really don't compare myself to him. He has money but other than that, he's a scumbag and I know it. He couldn't take out my trash. I guess her A with him is just so troubling because I KNOW how bad it's all going to fall apart eventually and it just sickens me to know that a woman I love and value doesn't value herself enough to continue on this way AND knowing that someone else is basically just using her until he gets tired or the new cute thing walks by.

I'm getting more and more accustomed to GAL-ing. It'll really help since I start school back up on Thursday so my schedule will be pretty confined. Not to mention it's football season and I am a big fantasy footballer so I'll get to focus on that also. I'm going to visit a group of my guy friends this weekend for our annual fantasy draft/barbecue. Next weekend I'm going to my college's first home football game for Labor Day weekend and will get to spend time with friends, family and probably even some old teammates. That'll be odd because I know lots of people will be asking me where she is and I really don't know who all knows.

I have drawn comfort from rediscovering myself. I know there is a lot of time between now and October 19th and so I fully recognize that I can continue to grow leaps and bounds and just remain prayerful that whatever happens, it'll be for my good. I sometimes wish I could speed the process...which I could get a new job, be done with school, have some more visible victories...but the key is patience. jb says it all the time on here...marathon, not a sprint.

Thanks for your words West. They're greatly appreciated.

[MHL]

Hey MTS & WCF,

It is nice to see that you guys are getting the underlying motivation behind what the "experienced" or "veteran" DBers are trying to get you to "DO" in the beginning.

You are both taking those beginning steps of your journey....

It is not enough to "know" what it is you need to do for yourself, or even understand the process........

It needs to become a part of "WHO YOU ARE"......

As another vet puts it......."it needs to be a part of your skin" (nickel to Mach).

That is not to say that I do not have those moments......I don't think they ever go away completely........you just know that in the moment that you find yourself "suffering" that it will end and that you will feel better in a little while.

You don't let those moments knock you off track.

You GAL to help you realize that.....

"Life is Good and It is Good to be Alive" (that's mine, BTW ).

Once you living YOUR life again, you will find that you can indeed engage your wayward spouses again and if they say or do something that hurts.........it does not "knock you off track".

I am excited for both of you.......the one thing that is constant in EVERYONE's sitch is TIME.......

In TIME you will arrive at that place and you will be able to look back over your shoulder at the place you came from and while it involved great pain, you will be thankful for it.

Cheers

[MadeToSucceed]

Thanks MHL.

I appreciate the words. And you're right. My GAL is helping me to make it more routine...not in terms of on schedule but in terms of a newer, fuller way of life.

That being said, I'm not resolved to "get as much as I can and move on." There's still 2 months until mediation and while I don't plan on "doing" anything to change her, I'm not going to give up hope and stop fighting this thing spiritually until it is over.

I fully understand that by my faith I have the ABILITY to choose not to be married but that is obviously not my desire.

I recognize that I can't change her or speed her process up. I haven't spoken to her since last Saturday, August 13th. That's also the last time I saw her. I know that's only 11 days and that may not seem like much but in the 7 years that I've been been with this woman, we've never gone that long not communicating in some shape form or fashion.

For some more GAL'ing I found something on LivingSocial for 20 Yoga classes. It cost me $30 so I figured why not give it a try. Will help me with some of my back pain hopefully and also help me with my continued quest to improve my physique.

Now...I'm doing this all for me but obviously I'd love for her to notice. Since we don't talk and no longer live together, the only way she'd be able to do so is by checking my facebook or twitter posts I suppose or even asking someone else about me. Otherwise, how do you "show" your WW the "new" you?

Also, had something interesting happen today...had a quick chat with her sister via text. She told me she'd actually talked to my brother and that he was doing well. Then she asked me what I was doing on September 24th. She invited me to her birthday celebration in California. I expressed my reluctance because of her sister and what her parents may think and just the sheer awkwardness. She basically told me it's her party and who cares what they think. Obviously she loves her sister but she's also expressed to me over the past few months she does not agree with her sister's actions but at the end of the day, nobody can control her.

She said her parents have stated they aren't taking sides because they didn't live in our home and while I get that, I guess I know 1) at the end of the day I'm expendable because I'm not blood and 2) I get frustrated because her father is a pastor and initially when I went to him he was somewhat interested in participating in talking to her and even gave me some advice. When he found out about me taking the money he basically wrote me off, said he wasn't surprised and that me doing that "took my W somewhere else" and would no longer discuss it with me. I even asked if I could drive to meet with him in person and he declined.

So I say all this to say...I really don't know I guess...in many ways I'm kind of venting. In some ways I'm asking for a take on the situation.

It is interesting though. My sister-in-law's birthday celebration is on Sept 24th. My W's birthday is on Sept. 25th. I asked if my W was coming and my sister-in-law responded "I didn't ask her. I figured she'd be doing her own thing. And it's my party so why does it matter." The other interesting end of that is for the last 7 years, I've planned something for my W's bday and usually manage to pull off some pretty good and thoughtful surprises ranging from parties to surprise dinners to last year me even paying for a personal shopper to basically bring her clothes and get her all jazzed up for dinner.

I'm 100% certain her sister isn't up to anything foul in terms of trying to sleep with me or anything like that but I don't know how to play it or what to really make of it. She told me I'm still like a brother to her and that she loves me all the same. That all through college she was able to talk to me about anything and that she still feels the same way now despite the pending divorce.

It seems like there are people who have drawn a line in the sand and choose not to deal with either me (i.e. her parents) or my W (i.e. 2 couples we are friends with no longer "deal" with her because of the way my W treated them when they tried to approach her about the situation...I've learned WAS' don't like to hear from married folks when they're in the midst of their A's.) OR people basically say "I don't condone it but I can't control it so oh well" and they keep on acting as if nothing is different.

That's part of my struggle...seeing her post all this Godly stuff knowing what she is doing...seeing others that know still joking around with her and/or planning trips with her, etc. I just don't get it. I'm not wishing she become an outcast or exiled or anything but...I don't know. Its just a weird paradigm.

I know for a FACT if I knew my brother or best friend or father were cheating on their spouse, I just couldn't have anything to do with them on a social level because it's just NOT RIGHT. I would tell them my thoughts, tell em I love em and beyond that, wouldn't be able to participate. I couldn't drive them to the airport to go see another woman. I wouldn't go on a trip with them to reap the benefits of being around another. Hell I would never even pass along their contact info. I wouldn't even be able to kid around with them publicly through social media because I'd feel guilt by association in a sense. Like I was saying "what is happening is ok." Beyond emergency situations, I just wouldn't be able to have much to say to them because I would've lost too much respect for them and felt like the guy driving the getaway car even though I didn't rob the bank.

How are others able to be so "ok" with things? Is it just a sign of how messed up our society is? Is it that we are socialized as a body to believe "if you aren't 'happy' just get a divorce and try again? It just...disturbs me I guess.

[♪CS♪]

That being said, I'm not resolved to "get as much as I can and move on." There's still 2 months until mediation and while I don't plan on "doing" anything to change her, I'm not going to give up hope and stop fighting this thing spiritually until it is over.

No one is saying to give up and move on. It's about moving forward.

how do you "show" your WW the "new" you?

They WILL notice IF:

The changes are real and have been CONSISTENT for an amount of TIME.

So don't worry about "showing" her.

I get frustrated

Because you want from others. Think about this...

Just DO for yourself. Be proud of how YOU act through this difficult time. Don't let others actions/non-actions affect you.

I know for a FACT if I knew my brother or best friend or father were cheating on their spouse, I just couldn't have anything to do with them on a social level because it's just NOT RIGHT

What if it was your wife?

I would tell them my thoughts, tell em I love em and beyond that, wouldn't be able to participate.

Hmmm....