Wow Punkin. I applaud your courage in sharing this. This really comes from the heart. I hope that in telling this story you felt even slightly less burdened by your feelings.
First, try not to beat yourself up. You've been friends and close with this person for a long time. I'm sure you entered into this situation thinking you were ready for it and it was the right thing to do. You didn't do it to hurt him at all.
I will add that a few weeks ago I went on an eharmony date. My doctor thought it would be good for me to date casually. I spent 4 hours talking to the very nice guy. He hugged me at the end; I was ok with that. On my way home I felt like driving my car into a tree, I felt so guilty for what I did. And all I did was TALK to the guy. I didn't have one iota of romantic feeling or attraction to him, but the fact that I put myself on a date and went through with it made me feel like I betrayed my now-dead marriage. I came home and ended my eharmony subs. 3 days later. It's just too early for me.
I think that to some extent we face a problem over knowing when to "put ourselves out there." We dont' want to get into something to have a person "save" us from being alone, but we also don't want to stay stuck being alone forever because we're too afraid to "move on." It's a tough line. I almost think everyone crosses the line by accident. But you know what? Erase the line. It's different for everyone, and you don't know if you've crossed your personal line until you have. And then, if you're aware, you'll pull back and revisit yourself as a person worthy of loving herself alone who right now just isn't in a place to be sharing her heart with someone else. It's ok. ((((HUGS))))
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
