(sigh) Okay. My understanding of remaining in the MLC thread is that we veterans of domestic war can be of help to the new and unordained. With that in mind, I post this:

I have a relationship. Of sorts. It is with a man I have known since I was 11 years old. He has been of indescribable help to me over the past year. I, likewise, have been there for him. We have a wonderful, reliable friendship. I have no romantic illusions here, and neither does he. That being said, I say that we have become what is commonly known as 'friends with benefits'. This has not been a problem. It simply is what it is. We are both in our 50's. It is not as if we have a ravonous sex life. Just occasional. Well, today was one of the occasions. He invited me over after work to sit and have a few beers. One thing led to another ( it's been about 2 months) and we ended up in bed. He leaves for his Tuesday night poker game, I come home.

My point to this admission is that in the middle of the 'benefit', I realize that I am still very much in love with my XH. Now, XH was no great shakes in the sack. He was egotistical and more into his own satisfaction than my own, but I loved the guy. I had to hide the tears in my eyes from my friend, because of the degradation that I felt. It had nothing to do with him. In fact, the entire act had nothing to do with love. It was just a physical act. I felt nothing but remorse and self pity for being there at all. And that's not at all fair to my friend, who is a kind, generous human being.

Just as a word of warning for those out there who might find themselves in a similar situation. I do not know if men feel the same as most women do, but all the kindness, caring, and friendship felt towards another human being does not take the place of true, honest love. Treating sex as a 'thing' such as stretching when you first get up, or using the bathroom, is not a comparison to being 'in love', and anything else is a cheat to not only yourself, but to the other person involved.

So, my friends, I find myself in the unenviable position of being in love with a person who, at this point in time, loathes me, for whatever reason his mind has conjured up. Better to be alone, than with someone who makes you feel less than special.