Wanted to share with you all the saying on the front of my church bulletin. I found it inspiring enough to tack up on my fridge. Hope you do too.
This the the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use as I will. I can waste it or use it for good. What I do today is important, because am exchanging a day of my life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place something that I have traded for it. I want it to be gain, not loss; good, not evil; success, not failure; In order that I shall not regret the price I paid for it.
(sigh) Okay. My understanding of remaining in the MLC thread is that we veterans of domestic war can be of help to the new and unordained. With that in mind, I post this:
I have a relationship. Of sorts. It is with a man I have known since I was 11 years old. He has been of indescribable help to me over the past year. I, likewise, have been there for him. We have a wonderful, reliable friendship. I have no romantic illusions here, and neither does he. That being said, I say that we have become what is commonly known as 'friends with benefits'. This has not been a problem. It simply is what it is. We are both in our 50's. It is not as if we have a ravonous sex life. Just occasional. Well, today was one of the occasions. He invited me over after work to sit and have a few beers. One thing led to another ( it's been about 2 months) and we ended up in bed. He leaves for his Tuesday night poker game, I come home.
My point to this admission is that in the middle of the 'benefit', I realize that I am still very much in love with my XH. Now, XH was no great shakes in the sack. He was egotistical and more into his own satisfaction than my own, but I loved the guy. I had to hide the tears in my eyes from my friend, because of the degradation that I felt. It had nothing to do with him. In fact, the entire act had nothing to do with love. It was just a physical act. I felt nothing but remorse and self pity for being there at all. And that's not at all fair to my friend, who is a kind, generous human being.
Just as a word of warning for those out there who might find themselves in a similar situation. I do not know if men feel the same as most women do, but all the kindness, caring, and friendship felt towards another human being does not take the place of true, honest love. Treating sex as a 'thing' such as stretching when you first get up, or using the bathroom, is not a comparison to being 'in love', and anything else is a cheat to not only yourself, but to the other person involved.
So, my friends, I find myself in the unenviable position of being in love with a person who, at this point in time, loathes me, for whatever reason his mind has conjured up. Better to be alone, than with someone who makes you feel less than special.
Punkin - go easy on yourself. This is a rough way of life. During the first Divorce Care class I took - they made it abundantly clear - relationships right now are a bad idea. I think that truly the relationships are "quick fixes".
Take your time - be kind to yourself!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Wow Punkin. I applaud your courage in sharing this. This really comes from the heart. I hope that in telling this story you felt even slightly less burdened by your feelings.
First, try not to beat yourself up. You've been friends and close with this person for a long time. I'm sure you entered into this situation thinking you were ready for it and it was the right thing to do. You didn't do it to hurt him at all.
I will add that a few weeks ago I went on an eharmony date. My doctor thought it would be good for me to date casually. I spent 4 hours talking to the very nice guy. He hugged me at the end; I was ok with that. On my way home I felt like driving my car into a tree, I felt so guilty for what I did. And all I did was TALK to the guy. I didn't have one iota of romantic feeling or attraction to him, but the fact that I put myself on a date and went through with it made me feel like I betrayed my now-dead marriage. I came home and ended my eharmony subs. 3 days later. It's just too early for me.
I think that to some extent we face a problem over knowing when to "put ourselves out there." We dont' want to get into something to have a person "save" us from being alone, but we also don't want to stay stuck being alone forever because we're too afraid to "move on." It's a tough line. I almost think everyone crosses the line by accident. But you know what? Erase the line. It's different for everyone, and you don't know if you've crossed your personal line until you have. And then, if you're aware, you'll pull back and revisit yourself as a person worthy of loving herself alone who right now just isn't in a place to be sharing her heart with someone else. It's ok. ((((HUGS))))
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
For most women, [can't speak for men as i haven't been one!] sex without emotions is a bit meaningless. You are so honest to share this. It is a temptation to try and recreate something we had and missed.
Actually I think this is something a lot of MLCers try and do, and deny the essential meaninglessness of it.
I think anyone of us could have found ourselves where you are . . not sure all of us would have been so honest about it.
You are a wonderful woman P
PS You xh does not loathe you. He has strong emotion which might express itself in those terms. If he felt nothing that is what you would get. Nothing. As it is there is something. Just not very nice right now
Now you have some information about yourself and your feelings.
And I agree with Bea, your xh still has strong feelings for you. The absence of love is indifference and he clearly is not indifferent about you. He is just so broken, he doesnt know what to do with the feelings.
You are an amazing person, P. Always remember that.
I do not know if men feel the same as most women do, but all the kindness, caring, and friendship felt towards another human being does not take the place of true, honest love.
Hey Punkin,
I can tell you that I had the same experience "during the act" with a woman that I was "friends" with during my separation.
I have not talked about it before until a couple of weeks ago when I was posting to someone in newcomers.
For men, sex is more of a "need" but not so much as a need to like food, water or air but rather a need to feel emotionally connected to someone.
Men need to feel that emotional connection just like women do.
In order to get there.......we require physical touch, so in a way sex is a "bridge" to that end.
What I found is that when I got to the end of the bridge the person that I wanted to be emotionally close to was not there and therefore I was close to no one.......not my wife nor the woman I was with.
I will agree that relationships while you are in limbo are not a good idea.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Thanks to all of you for your responses. I don't feel that I'm really 'beating myself up' as 'acknowledging' I still have very deep feelings for my XH. I've managed to bury those feelings for so very long, they simply SPRANG on me.
I know from other threads, such as yours Bea, that long periods of time can go by and these things just pounce on you. I'm living my own life, quite cozy and quite busy, and for the most part, very happy. Just wasn't prepared for that surge of 'guilt' I was feeling along with a strong feeling for my XH.
