new to the Big D

[kat727]

My friends did that too. Said that he was a bit full of himself. I will say that if it wasn't about him then he just couldn't be bothered.

Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief. It will take a while but before you know it you will feel like your old self before you ever got married. Keep focusing on getting back to you.

Kat

[mainemom1]

Thanks again for the responses. I've been busy because I'm currently at my dad's house which took 13 hours to get to. At first it bothered me because the last time I was here was with the ex last year. Over that now.
Anyway, went on a 40 minute walk last night and found a cute little church a couple of blocks away. I went to services this morning and it turned out they were having their annual picnic afterwards. I stayed for that, the people were so nice. I talked to one couple who were celebrating their 57th anniversary. Amazing! The lady was so nice and she gave me a hug when I left. I have the address from the bulletin so I'm going to write a note when I get home.
As far as the ex's issues I don't know why I didn't see after 20 years together. I think I was just deluding myself to justify staying in the marriage. I mean he doesn't even have a relationship with his own family(mom,dad and sibs) and he blames them for that!

[mainemom1]

I'm in Maryland and we had an earthquake today. Too weird!
One of those occasions where I think about calling my exh. I'm trying to go for as long as possible without talking to him. I should easily make it through this week. I'll email him any info he needs for next week if possible. Unfortunately we still share a driveway but the positive to that is I can just watch my youngest walk to his door instead of taking her over so I don't necessarily need to talk to him. I don't want to be friends with him. Does anyone here actually feel they are friends with their ex or do they just have good working(co-parenting) relationships with them? At this point, even though he didn't cheat on me as far as I know I still feel betrayed by him. He said he was unhappy for years which leaves me feeling robbed of those years because it puts those memories in such an ugly light for me. I just can't be friends with someone who would deceive me like that.

[ClingingToHope]

I have been trying for the past month to treat my XW with respect. Stop avoiding her, make eye contact, say hi and goodbye.

The more I do that the more she calls -- of course back to school stuff means more contact as well.

Anyway, the more "friendly" we get the harder it is to keep doing it. That's because she's always wanted to be just friends -- like we were dating and it didn't work out. I'm just not ready for that and may never be.

I sympathize on the feeling robbed. When they rewrite history it hurts like h*ll. XW said a couple of years ago that she began having doubts six months into the marriage and feels now that she never loved me.

That has just deflated me. I was always the skinny, socially awkward kid growing up. I was everyone's friend, but no one was into me -- at least the girls I liked -- until I was 18.

So when XW all of a sudden was into me after I got back from college -- it was a huge ego boost. The ugly duckling/swan thing. I looks back and wonder if she was really a trophy wife. Hey, everyone, look at who I got to marry me.

And then she shattered the illusion and I'm back battling the same demons from when I was 14, 15, 16, that I'm unlovable and will always be alone.

[kat727]

It took a long time. I know I was pretty cold in the beginning. I couldn't even look at him. I am not sure what caused the thaw but I thought to myself if I could just treat him like a mailman without any emotional attachment it might be alright.

So I have. We can talk about the kids, KUbasketball, world events. I actually called him, sort of as a last resort, to see if he could take me to get my car. It was done early and my son's battery was dead. Since it was my kids night with their Dad it was just him running me to the shop. I really did appreciate it. I think he feels we are friends and who knows maybe some decade from now, but for now he is the mailman to me. The betrayal is still a little to fresh for me.

kat

[mainemom1]

It was the exact opposite with my exh. He was the shy introverted one when we got married but I had come off a bad first marriage with the stereotypical bad boy and a new baby and all I wanted at that time was SECURITY. I realize that now but I didn't then.
However, I wanted to make it work but because of so many issues he has like his medical problems and he felt like he couldn't do what he wanted, he said once he felt like just a paycheck, etc, he decided to check out.
The problem with that as far as I'm concerned is he checked out on our kids also. Our oldest won't talk to him and the youngest just worries about everything. She knows we are moving and that I can't support us just yet. I am angry at myself for letting it get to the point of not being able to support myself and I have to reinvent that wheel.
All that aside I would not take him back even if he wanted. I could never be sure of how he actually felt because he had hidden his feelings for so long. Also I wouldn't put my girls through that again,things are finally settling down. So there is no point for me at least to be friends with him. I was just wondering the reasoning behind anyone doing it.
Thanks for responding CTH you have more willpower than I do.

[ClingingToHope]

The big thing for me was realizing how the kids learn how to treat people from how I/XW treat people.

D12 and D9 have absolutely no problem talking with people in authority or being social. They've grown up watching me around the office and out in the public.

So for two years they watched me treat XW as if she didn't exist because she divorced me. Now, I don't want them thinking that divorce is OK, it's no big deal. When they get married I'm going to sit down with them and ask, are you sure you want to do this because marriage is meant to be forever, not something you casually toss aside because you hit a rut. But I also want them to learn to treat EVERYONE with respect, even those that have hurt you to the core.

That's a huge, huge, huge thing for me.

[mainemom1]

That makes sense and I don't want to be disrespectful of my exh. I just don't want to be friends with him. That is a very difficult line to walk. Hopefully it gets easier.

[mainemom1]

Thanks for the reply. That sounds like how I feel about the situation. I can talk for a very short period of time about things that have to do with the kids. Business only, nothing conversational. I've run into him in town though and I just can't bring myself to even acknowledge his existence.

[ClingingToHope]

Another poster in my thread put it perfectly. Treat your ex like you would the mailman. Smile. Hi. Bye. Answer any questions.

Still, it's tough. XW has been around a lot more because of the school year and I'm no longer shoving her out the door when she shows up. The girls are happier -- although deep down they may be thinking it's a sign mom and dad are getting back together.

XW actually has moved up a grade to "neighbor." I've done a couple of things for her in the past couple of weeks to help her out. In my head I justified it by realizing if a neighbor asked me to do the same thing I would.

There's another thought too. I have a complicated enough life and it doesn't make sense to complicate it further by not using XW as a resource as well. I had scheduling issues with the girls. Instead of spending a couple of hours trying to find a fix that didn't involve XW, I just called and asked if she'd take them. Hey, she's free baby sitting.