I’m gonna have to humble myself in answering your questions and be completely honest. Not that I’ve lied about anything, but I’ve been writing on this forum for some time now hoping that someone will tell me that all of this will blow over, we will reconcile and everything will be ok. Well, there is a chance of this happening , but not without hard work.
About the “score cards”…
This is something that both my wife and have been doing for almost ALL of our lives together including the MIL. All of us have both said and done things that were hurtful in the past. I am the type to apologize. They, are not. They like to sweep things under the rug and make it up with gestures or buying something materialistic.
At the beginning of this separation, I wasn’t able to live in their house but, I had the key and I could come and go as I pleased. Until, the one day that I was talking to MIL on HER cell about my wife and I. I was telling her that her daughter and I needed counseling. She had replied that it was nonsense to do this and to just let her daughter go, forget the 20 years and find myself another woman. During the conversation, my wife walked and was furious that I was talking to MIL. So she took the phone from her, and THOUGHT she hung it up. Something told me NOT to hang up and just listen. Then that’s when I heard my wife reading a text to MIL about a conversation she was having with some other guy and how that man loved my wife’s body and so on. I hung up and then called back and told my wife that I heard everything. She then told me I heard nothing and she hung up. Then her MIL called me and told me that wifey was reading something that was meant for her, the MIL. I then told her to give it up and not to lie. I know what I heard. Then MIL got upset and told me to give her the key to the house and so I did. So that was the end of me going there.
Now, about the 180’s
Yes, I was a hot head, but that has been taming down for the last couple of years. I do still get angry sometimes, but it takes allot to get me there. Church has helped allot in this matter and so have my babies. I used to spend $ carelessly. Now, I’m a real penny pincher. This is due to the fact that I have to survive while I give my wife child support. And now that she decided not to work and go to school full time, it’s costing me more. And to be honest with you, apparently, SHE CAN CARELESS! She doesn’t even care if MY bills get paid. And if she doesn’t get her $, there starts the venom spewing.
I have bonded with my children during this time. MIL would always tell me that if her daughter and I would ever get separated, that I would just forget about my kids and move on. You see, she is judging me by her past experience with men. Before our separation, I was kind of selfish with my time. LOTS OF XBOXING! Also, to get me to do anything around the house was like pulling teeth. However, none of my rules or opinions were never honored or even considered. It was my wife’s way or NO WAY. So I found it kind of hard to motivate myself to do ANYTHING in MIL home.
I have put my ego and machismo to the side. Before, when I was asked to do something that was against my DUDE status, I would just smirk and walk away. Now, when I’m asked to do something, I’ll do it and with pleasure because during this separation, I’ve done allot of reflection and have seen that there were allot of ugly things about me. Not nasty things, but just things that would make me look like a stuck up ahole.
I’ve built my confidence and I know I can survive on my own & that I’m more than just a fifth wheel. I’ve learned to listen to people instead of just waiting for my next turn to talk.
I’ve learned who my real friends are. I’ve learned to not be too quick to judge on their marriages when mine was falling apart behind the scenes.
I’ve grown to love and appreciate the God given gifts that in the past, I did not acknowledge them as blessings. My job, wife, health, a home, healthy children and great friends. In the past, I just took them for granted.
I’ve grown closer to God. Before, I was just playing on his stage and getting the message through to other people. With this current situation, I feel that he’s telling me that he wants a little more from me than just playing on his worship team. So, the bible has become instruction manual. The book of Psalms has given me comfort. The book of James has given me endurance. Job, has given me hope and Habakkuk has given me proof and insurance that everything will be ok no matter what the outcome.
I used to sleep in every chance I got. Now, I’m an early bird.
Oh, and here’s a biggie… I used to yell allot. Since I’m not really the physical type, I would use my voice. And not to toot my own horn but when I yell, the house shakes. Now, I couldn’t yell even if I wanted to. The quieter it is, the happier I am.
25, I really hope I answered your questions about 180’s. I know there is more that will come and I will handle them accordingly. Also, my 180’s are the same as my wife’s complaints about me. That’s why I’m working real hard on them.
Over all, she knows I’m a good man. I have my tough character, but all in all, she knows I love her more than life itself. We’ve been together since we were 17. SHE SHOWED ME HOW TO DRIVE FOR PETE’S SAKE! LOL.
She has allot of insecurity. I’ve learned in MLC, that allot of childhood issues are the cause. I think I’m receiving the punishment for her father’s sins as well as mine.
I knew that when she got her plastic surgery, things were going to change and I was going to be in for one HECK of a ride with all the attention she was going to get. She was always a VERY pretty woman. But since her lap band surgery and her plastic surgeries, she is the spitting image of Jennifer Lopez!
Just so you know, I feel like I’m partially, if not, FULLY responsible for her insecurities. I for one was VERY overweight myself. I wanted to get into the police department like the rest of my family. I had to lose a whopping 150 lbs and I did it! So when I got into the police dept, my ego flew through the roof. I was receiving allot of attention from the opposite sex and it drove her nuts! I kid you not, if she was able to put a Low Jack up my wazoo, she would of done it.
I believe that if you were to ask her, has your husband changed? She would say yes. However, like most MLC’rs, she might think that once we are back together, I might go back to the way I was. I can assure you,25, now that I look back at myself, I really don’t like who I was. And now that I know what a MLC is, when I look back, I think I might have gone through one myself.
My wife has tolerated allot of stuff, 25. I’m not the easiest person to render. That’s why I’m standing for my marriage now. She deserves the same tolerance, patience, understanding, love and determination she has shown me despite what EVERYONE else is telling me to do, divorce, find another woman, get vengeance blah blah blah…
About the living situation…
Yes, we did plan for all of us to move in together with the MIL. We had the plan of having 3 incomes and everything would be great. So you can have an understanding, 25, the opinions I’ve heard from other people is that we as a family look like MIL is the mom and we are all her kids.
MIL made it very clear to me several times… No matter how wrong her daughter might be, she will ALWAYS side with her and she has NEVER prove otherwise. That’s why I feel things have been lopsided.
On the other hand, I’m not that hard to please. I’m not a drinker, smoker, drug user or anything like that. I just want my music, my xbox, my EVH Wolfgang guitar and I’m also a Star Wars SUPERFREAK! I’m actually a homebody. I’m always eager to please and I love putting smiles on people’s faces.
25, when I lost weight and I wanted to do my fair share of hell raising. My wife complained so much that I had to get rid of some friends, stop going to the gym so much, put on a little weight so she can feel better, stop playing with bands and change my wardrobe. I couldn’t even wear a pair of SUNGLASSES without her flipping out! When I saw that her insecurities where driving her nuts, I did all these changes to ease her mind. Now that SHE gets her body changed, the woman kicks me out of her house and does whatever the HECK she wants! WITH THE SUPPORT OF HER MOTHER!
THAT’S WHATS PISSING ME OFF!
Ok, now back to the nitty gritty…
My plans for a family home is plain and simple. Peace. No yelling, a 50/50 marriage. Heck, at least she can give me the ILLUSION that its 50/50. And I want control of my own finances. That I have already.
OH! I want to walk around in my underwear at home, but I can’t because of MIL!
Despite my temper, my wife KNOWS that I’m harmless. I’m kind of like a gorilla… Gorillas throw their big temper tantrum to intimidate and then takes off. LOL. I HATE PHYSICAL ABUSE ON WOMEN AND CHILDREN!
Yes, my wife along with several other people have claimed that I intimidate. 25, to be honest, I don’t mean it. Its just my character. That’s also one of my 180’s. I try to walk around with a (sort of) semi-smile on my face. LOL, some people have asked me, “Dude, what’s wrong with you? Did you lose your nuts or something?”
I look at it like God has broken me down, to rebuild a better person.
Financial security has never been a problem. However, she DOES like to over spend and max out her cards. But me being the idiot, I just give in because I want her and my kids to have everything and anything they want.
Im kind of like my father. I was born out of wedlock. My father took full responsibility over me. He didn’t do what typical male Hispanics do when they have offspring out of wedlock. They tell their lovers, “he’s your problem, not mine. You take care of him”. My father loved me and gave me everything I needed AND wanted. And when he found out that my mother was abusing me and since I was a BIG secret in the family, he went to his wife and broke the news that he had a son with another woman. He gave her the ultimatum, either she accepted me or he and I would move to a different house. My father is another hot headed Hispanic. I think that’s where I get it from. He is a highly decorated World War 2 vet that fought in D-day, Pointe Du-Hoc in France.
My wife has been going to school for a long time now. In 2002, she got her AS in teaching. Soon after, she got her bachelors, then her masters as she graduated with a 4.0 and suma kum laude in teaching. She started working and then teaching jobs here in South Florida became a problem. Now she is going back to school to become a speech therapist.
After she graduated from her first degree, I wanted to go to school. Then she dropped the bomb that she wanted to go back and start something else. Of course, I let her have her way. If anyone can do it, its her.
Our whole lives even last year a little before the accident, she was telling me that God put us together forever because after all the things we’ve endured as a family, we are still together and its for a reason. So after the accident, something changed. I knew that I was in for something REALLY bad. When I was reading about one of the boys who died, he was also in a worship team AND HE HAD MY SAME BIRTHDATE! That sent shivers up my spine. I felt God telling me, Get ready son, I got a BIG test for ya!
In a nut shell, as family, we care and love each other very much. We’ve been under allot of stress within the last couple of years with our sons autism, her schooling, my threats of cancer and our financial obligations.
Despite all her venom spewing, name calling, hate mail and inconsiderate acts, I have a feeling in my heart that things might be ok. Her demeanor is changing daily. Her anger is taming down, our conversations are a little more pleasant and there are some hugs and smiles towards each other. She calls me daily and lets me know of how’s she’s doing. I’ve stopped the CONSTANT texting asking her where we stood in our marriage. I’ve stopped the blaming and the judgment and just started full on supporting and showing compassion. Once I stopped the constant harassing and let her breath a little, she started making some progress.
Now about the MIL , that’s going to be a tough call on my part. As much as I believe that we should be on our own, I also believe that after spending her whole life caring for her daughter and giving her, her kids and yes me a decent life, she should not be discarded and thrown out to be on her own all alone especially in her age of 75. That is NO way to repay a parent.
I’ve had a question in my heart about how to handle this. So, someone gave me about called Captured By Grace by Dr. David Jeremiah. This is the CURRENT 180 I’m working on.
I’ll keep praying on it. I miss her and my family. God will make everything work together for our good.
That’s all I got 25. Lol. I hope I gave you some insight.
Thank you all for the great advice you have given me.
Me: 37 W: 37 Married Feb 14 1997 Seperated Thanksgiving weekend 2010 No divorce filed yet 1st born son:13 2nd daughter:9 3rd son:4 Trying hard to detach
