I also think that he doesn't realize that a loving relationship is a goal, an objective. I think he is still stuck in thinking (whether he realizes it or not) that love is something that happens to him. I think that is a difference between him and me. He seems to expect that a loving relationship with the right woman should just come together of itself. He may consciously, intellectually, know that relationships take work (who hasn't heard that old saw several million times?), but I think his actions are still guided by the expectation that, if you are the right woman for him, everything will be beautiful by itself. And I also think that he believes that you are the right woman for him, which is why he keeps on pulling away and then trying again - maybe he is stymied trying to figure out why, you being the right woman for him, everything isn't happening the way it is supposed to.
E, Psych, this kind of jumped out at me. E - I think this is a very real possibility. This is also the impression I get of my W. I think the right MC could get him on the right track, IF, and it's a big IF he would go in with an open mind.
jb, this jumped out at me as well. I can definitely see some of my H in your W which is probably why I follow your sitch so closely. That, and also because you've been very supportive of mine. I think it's wonderful they way you support, not only the men, but the women on this board as well. I think it must be all that time you spend with the church ladies.
In all seriousness though, yes I agree that if we found the right MC, that might be key. I have been researching pro-marriage counselors in my area and I think I've found one. She does an initial free telephone consultation so I'm going to try and find some time this week when H and the kids are not around. Originally, I had planned to go alone but H might be open to it after our conversation last night...
Anyway, an UPDATE:
Yesterday, my H was showing signs of withdrawing again (I wasn't surprised and knew it was coming.) After work, he met a friend for a quick drink. When he came home we spoke about this friend and his brother (who is in the same profession as me) and then H went upstairs to watch TV with S7.
After S7 went to bed, I went upstairs to lie in bed with H. As we were lying there, he texted me and told me he was feeling blah and needed to go to sleep. Then added that he had booked an appointment with a counselor. Something about the way he did this (texting me instead of speaking to me for one, meeting with his friend but too "blah" to deal with me again), really bothered me and I decided it was time to deal with everything directly.
I told him that I gave him an out with the letter and if he wanted to take it, then please just take it and stop dragging this situation on to the point where it was affecting both of us so negatively. I said he certainly didn't need permission from a counselor to leave, if that's what he truly wanted. (There was just something about he presented it all that left me feeling that this was about getting the courage to leave.)
Anyway, we talked a bit more ( I can't recall all the finite details), and he finally admitted that leaving is not really what he wanted, and that he still doesn't accept my letter. I said that I now believed that guilt was keeping him here, and that I needed more than that in a M.
He said it wasn't guilt and he admitted that recently he's said a lot of things that he truly didn't mean, except that he meant them in the moment but then realized that he didn't mean them only days, sometimes hours later. He added that he thinks his anger is confusing him (and me), and that the counseling appointment was not about wanting to leave, but that it was about a lot of things - the death of him mother which he admitted he has not dealt with, his unresolved anger and working on us. He also admitted he's not happy with himself and with many things in his life (MLC?). But that he had so much to be grateful for and that happiness needed to come from within.
Is this all positive? Yes. Does this mean I believe with absolute certainty that he wants to work on our M? Not really. He's incredibly confused. But I am glad he admits he needs help in dealing with his grief over his mother's death.
As far as we're concerned, I actually fear the wrong counselor will do more harm than good but at least he's realizing that he needs to sort out his feelings before making a decision he may regret.
