Feeling alone and frustrated with a 180.

[Psych77]

Well, last night I came home, helped W prepare dinner. Once the family sat down, I had to use the *ahem* lavatory, so I left the table. Unfortunately, once I got up there, I got a call from work on my cell phone. Sometimes, being on call really *aspirates*. Anyway, by the time I got back down to the table, W had left for the evening - I think she had a group therapy (is it sad that I don't know?).

Well, I know the nightly routine, so I cracked the whip over the younger kids to do half the dishes (we have so many kids, we have them do the work in shifts!), then read to them while the older kids did the other half. Put the younger ones to bed, and then went out to do some errands while one of my older kids did some reading and the other practiced piano and worked on composing some music (um, yeah, I have some amazing kids - what? no, I'm not bragging, not at all! :D). When I came home, W was in bed, with the light on, wearing a red top with lacy edges .

It was wonderful, but wordless. When did you ever think that you would hear a man saying he wanted more talk in the relationship? Don't get me wrong - the fact that W is initiating sex with me (and with some apparent enthusiasm at that) is tremendous progress, and that is not lost on me. It's just that I really want to be in her heart, not just in her body. I miss her looking at me and smiling, giving me the impression that she is just happy that I am there.

I miss us pouring our hearts out to each other, that wonderful feeling when we spoke that we understood each other, we connected. I guess I lost that when it started to seem to me that every time she wanted to talk to me was because of a complaint, something I was doing wrong. Maybe some of it I imposed on myself - was I taking every problem she had as a challenge to me, taking it as the burden of a problem I needed to solve? Maybe it was a little bit of both. In any case, all I know is that I started to become defensive; as soon as W said those dreaded words, "We have to talk," my walls went right up.

Funny how a few years ago I would have sworn that I would be happy if W just had sex with me more often. It was the one interaction we had that always had a positive outcome, and it sure beat the talking that I had come to dread. Now that we have gone through a time when sex, affection and talking have stopped, and sex is coming back, it's not enough for me. I want the whole package! I want the one person who actually took the time and trouble to get to know the real me, quirky and strange as I am, back in my life. I want her to come back and love me because of who i am, not in spite of it. She did that when we fell in love. It was one of the things that made her so wonderful to me. In my life I have found that it is a rare person who can do that.

I guess I am just sorting through my feelings here - trying to get a better picture of what I want, maybe getting an idea of what my goals can be. I think that sex is just an overpowering thing in my mind, and when I am constantly horny ( hopefully people don't find my use of that term offensive) it is hard to think of anything else I want. Kind of like a hungry man trying to think about his need for intellectual stimulation. So now that I'm no longer desperate for sex (not that I wouldn't be happy with a little more often, but at least I am not feeling like I will be deprived), I am starting to be aware of other things that I want.

Thinking about it, it seems like the opposite order of priority from what is seen in most women. Let Abraham Maslow stick that in his hierarchy of needs and smoke it!

So, we have occasional sex, and some (very scant) other expressions of affection. But we don't know how to talk. I'm not sure that either of us know where to start. I know I don't. And i think W is probably still gun shy about opening up to me emotionally. I know she has told me that she is still afraid of me. Aside from just exercising consistent changes, I don't know what else I can do. Maybe working on making the changes consistent is really all there is. Keeping them consistent, I guess, is work enough.