Well, my D was pretty recent so my perspective is to be taken with a grain of salt but the good part of the exchange you had is that he did call to let you know he would be late. Something my ex sorely resented ever doing. As far as the uh-huh response remember the movie Ghost when the guy always answered ditto to ILY because he was uncomfortable with saying that? It wasn't because he didn't feel it he just couldn't say it.
Good point you guys. No, he has never been verbally demonstrative (oh heck, my college English is coming out with that little phrase isn't it? LOL). I'm not sure why I expect him to be any different now. I guess it's just that he had been telling me every now and then but it's been a few months since the last time and I feel more distant from him.
You know, it could be that I'm distancing myself from him though, not the other way around. I swear that my fears are going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep this up. I pull back to protect myself because of the past and I'm afraid to speak openly to him because I can't stand another rejection from him.
Oh yeah, and it didn't help matters that his new job is two streets away from where the broom lives. That set my teeth on edge SO bad. This job is driving around all over Atlanta so it's not like he's there at all during the day, but just the fact that he starts and ends his day that close to her made my blood go icy cold yesterday morning when I realized it. I'm sure that was a trigger for sure.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
" I swear that my fears are going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I keep this up."
Yep.
Accepting and maintaining and resenting an R that doesn't work for you is a sure way to guarantee its demise. So, if you are really worried about having a decent R for yourself and a happy family for Marc, maybe it is time to stop sabotaging it through inaction, doormatting, victiming.
He called to tell you he'd be late. That's great! Take it as that.
He's never been verbally demonstrative, so *shrugs* neutral there.
I occasionally pull the ditto thing on Roger. Or the "as you wish" Princess Bride reference. And he does the same to me. It's not always about the ILYs.
It's been a year and while things aren't perfect, he's there.
Good for you on noticing your trigger. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. That would drive me nuts as well!
And I'm loving the introspection on whether you are either distancing yourself or at the very least contributing to the distance you perceive.
Time to take some action to reconnect.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I haven't read Passionate Marriage yet. I really should, just haven't had the chance yet. It might help me gain some perspective on how to handle things better.
Victiming? I don't blame him for my feelings. I know that my feelings are mine alone and I need to find the best way to control them. I've come a long way but those triggers are still there and I would doubt they are going to go away. Handling them without falling apart for hours is what I'm working on. At least I didn't break down for days like I used to.
There is no resentment in the R we have, there is a lot of buried pain in it though. There is no way to talk that out. He doesn't want to hear any of it and I can't force him to hear it. Is it fair that I walk around with all of this rattling around in my head and he has no idea? No, but life isn't about what's fair. I'm sure there are things that cause him pain that he has in his head but won't discuss. I have no idea if I have directly caused any of it, but I can guess there is something there.
He's not a talker. I'm a talker by nature but I know where the limits are with him and talking about feelings is a huge wall with him.
So what action would you suggest to reconnect? Our connection causes me confusion as it is. He actually asked me one day how I refer to him in conversation. I told him I'm never really sure how to refer to him. XH brings up WAY too many questions. Marc's dad only works if the person knows Marc. Just Gabe in most other convo. It's very strange. It's like he's nothing and everything at the same time. Bizarre!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Have you asked him how he refers to you?? I would let him know that even if he isn't a words type of guy that you fill loved and would like to continue on this path of repairing your relationship. Well, that is if you feel that way.
I think you should also set aside maybe a half an hour each week or so to kind of get a reading on how you both feel how things are between you. What bothered you(not from the past but recently), what did you appreciate, what would you like more of. Have both of you respond and really listen. Think of ways to move this relationship out of the "it is what it is zone" to something you both want. I am guessing if he is asking you how you refer to him, he has been thinking about it a bit.
Big hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I wonder if he would consider a Retrovialle (sp?) weekend...? From what I hear, it is all about learning how to communicate in a way that doesn't make anyone feel terrible about it - seems like a skill you could both use.
