Things have been busy. Things have been fine...very comfortable with H. Some teenager trama-dramas to contend with but that's to be expected.
I have been wasting a lot of energy trying to figure out the WHY's and HOW's of what happened to my H and my R. I want to believe that if I understand it, the understanding will give me power over it...some form of control to keep it from happening again.
The truth is...I will never understand how, a year ago, Wolfie was so definately NOT himself. He was actually pretty whacked out. I don't think I will ever comprehend how he changed so drastically, and then came full circle.
He seems so at peace in our R now and so clear about what he wants and what is important to him. I don't think I will ever understand when and why and how the big turnaround happened either.
It's as clear as mud to me. No matter how many times I try to look at it from different angles--try to apply logic to the devistation that we experienced--it just doesn't make sense. I think I have to give up trying to understand.
For now, I am just going to accept the fact that things are going well. It's kind of frightening to accept that things are ok and I can relax a bit and enjoy knowing that my man loves me a great deal. I know from some of the others who have been in peicing for awhile that this is yet another stage.
When things begin to normalize, I find ways to rehash and keep myself on edge just that little bit. It is terrifying sometimes to realize that I'm allowing myself to trust and be vulnerable to be hurt again.
I'm not freaking out or causing any drama or anything, but I am still having to do a lot of thought-stopping at this phase.
I must not be the only one having some "bad annaversary day" heebie-jeebies, as I got a very odd call from XOW last week. I'll explain later when I've got some more time.
Talk about the nail on the head! I couldn't have said it any better! My h is coming out of his crisis and it's STILL as clear as mud. I'm still divorce-busting and it's STILL killing me.
Sometimes It seems like a BAAAAD dream, eh Tal? You put it so very well.
I am a psychology prof and I STILL can't wrap my head around or explain a good portion of what happened with CJ. Some of it HE may never even be able to fully comprehend (that's an idea that doesn't sit well with me, but could well be true).
Hoping you have a great holiday...any special stuff you do? I'm always fascinated by how people "do" the holidays. For example some of CJ's sibs and families used to go to the movies on Christmas day!!
In my family that would be tantamount to sacrilege!
Quote: When things begin to normalize, I find ways to rehash and keep myself on edge just that little bit. It is terrifying sometimes to realize that I'm allowing myself to trust and be vulnerable to be hurt again.
Maybe this is so much of the rollercoaster. Even when things calm down, the fear is there... If only there were a road map out there, with the hazards clearly marked, and a huge star at the end of the journey... then, surely, things would be easier.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I must not be the only one having some "bad annaversary day" heebie-jeebies, as I got a very odd call from XOW last week. I'll explain later when I've got some more time.
Quote: I have been wasting a lot of energy trying to figure out the WHY's and HOW's of what happened to my H and my R. I want to believe that if I understand it, the understanding will give me power over it...some form of control to keep it from happening again.
My sentiments exactly. I had been doing extremely well for myself up until the 'box' arrived from LL Bean last Friday (see my thread for the gory details) and I am stunned and amazed by the power that 'box' has had over my 'peacefulness'....
That box, has spiraled me into some very painful thinking and rehashing of things. It wiped away (at least temporarily) all that I'd accomplished the past several weeks.
I stood in the shower this morning, crying for the first time in months and wondering to myself....WHEN does he tell ME what he was thinking then so that I'm not stumbling around with this blindfold on hoping that this time we're getting it right. It's hard to know if your succeeding if you have nothing to measure your success against.
I was, like you, going to accept the fact that things are going well until that 'box' arrived and reminded me that we have really accomplished very little except to both have become very good at pretending nothing's wrong.
I'm also trying to decide if all of this pain comes from the fact that the past two Christmases are forever linked to my H's cheating....and that this year that box arrived the day before the anniv. of d-day # 2.
T2
Quote: Although the bomb with my name on it was dropped in January, the sirens and red flags were all over the place during this month last year.
All kinds of memories are popping up that I had given little-to-no thought to - until now.
Same here! My anniversary was January 3, 2003. But, like you jeannine I also new something was wrong in December! So I must be going through those heebie, jeebies also!
