Just journaling. A typical fall: work is very busy, kid care is complicated, coaching son's team, and W has some evening and weekend work and a business trip. Trying to keep up, and keep the stress level down. Was doing pretty well until W said she wanted to plan a dinner party for her office at our house. And boss put her in charge of an outdoor evening movie series. I resisted the dinner (W probably knew why), then gave in. Outwordly, I deal with these things better (not great, but much better). On the other hand, it's still the familiar feeling inside. In the end, I withdraw get crabby. Sorta lost touch with friends. Wondering about AD meds. Will explain here, though I usually don't. For almost a year have been on the lowest available dose and for the past 6 months have mostly been cutting those up into halves or thirds. Would like to say I don't feel any effect from such a low dose but truth is they do have an effect - fewers low, but also fewers highs. In the past month or so have been feeling a bit zombie-like - odd. I'm usually very calm and collected so while the ADs help reduce the emotional rollercoaster of things assocaited with W, they take the calm and collected that I feel the rest of the time and turn that into, like, catatonic. Well, ok, not that bad but I really can't accomplish much without a steady stream of caffeine. Don't know if it is exhaustion or the ADs. Usually good to exercise but developed a foot problem, so that's on hold. Would like to drop the ADs altogether. Tried once months ago and within 2 weeks I was not dealing with things as well and it was causing some conflict (maybe a coinicidence though) so I restarted. Was hoping I'd tappered off slowly enough so I wouldn't feel anything different. Hmmmm. Never thought I be in this position.
I feel that whatever was going on with W and boss stopped, and we've made progress. At least I sense some emotional distancing from work stuff by W. I think the way out is being patient, and building a good life, maybe cutting back to reduce the stress. So I'd like to focus on....well, that would be the DBing wouldn't it? I think it is really important for me to find some fun, and build some fun in my family. But being tired and ok a little angry does not = fun. The great irony is, of course, that my natural response to things has been making them worse. If I ignored them I would be happier and more fun and, as for the DBing, I'd be a "natural".
