On to thread #5. I think this is a fitting thread title for where I am at. I gain ground one day, and lose it the next. Before I get started, here’s my previous four threads:
Well, I have now made it over 7 months since the bomb was dropped. All in all, I think I am doing pretty well.
The rollercoaster ride continues, but I am now in a place where I can handle it, and not let it dominate my life.
Our kids are doing well. Both are happy and I think they continue to benefit from having both of us around, despite W and I's M problems.
I have good days, and I have not-so-good days. I don't let the not-so-good days get to me as much anymore though. I have control over my emotions and actions...and mine alone.
Here's the latest developments (fairly long post):
Last week was pretty rough. W was really busy with school and seemed pretty stressed out and it kind of felt like she was taking it out on me. Everything came to a head on Sunday morning.
W babysat for some friends so they could go out on Saturday night. I think she got home around midnight. I was already asleep, so as she had been doing for the last 2 weeks, she slept on the couch.
I'm not sure exactly what time, but the kids were up very early on Sunday morning, so W ended up getting very little sleep. I got up just before 8:00. When I came out to the living room, the kids were being pretty wild and I could tell W was upset. I asked her if something was wrong, and she didn't reply, but she started crying.
I tried asking again, and again no reply. So I went about my business...making breakfast, taking care of the kids, cleaning up their messes, etc. I made a good breakfast for all of us, and W sat down with the kids to eat it. While I wasn't showing it outwardly, it was really bothering me to see W so upset, which kind of killed my appetite, so I didn't eat breakfast.
After breakfast, W went out back to smoke. I wasn't sure about it, but I decided to go ask her what's wrong one more time. I asked her if she was mad at me. She said no, she's not mad, just unhappy. I asked why, and she said her life [censored]. She said sleeps on the couch with a bad back and is the only one sacrificing to allow our kids to be around us both. I told her that I have a really hard time understanding what she is sacrificing. She went back to how sleeping on the couch is so terrible and that she feels like a guest in our house and that she had talked to me before about getting another bed and I never did anything about it.
I asked her what would make things better for her. She said she didn't know. At this point, I guess she got tired of me asking her questions, and flipped the conversation around.
She asked me what my thoughts were. Here's what I told her:
- I understand that sleeping on the couch [censored]. I know we discussed a few months ago getting another bed for the basement, but I never got one. The reason I didn't do this was because to me it felt like I was giving up. I wasn't going to stop you from getting one, but I didn't want to do it because I keep hoping that you will come back to our bed.
- I still have a very hard time understanding why you feel like you are sacrificing your entire life to be here. I am trying so hard to make your life easier and give you what you want...to the point where I am walking on eggshells. I am always trying to do little nice things for you and I want to do much more but I am afraid to. I want us to have fun together, but I don't ask you to do things because you told me not to. You have someone here that is willing to do absolutely anything for you....and I am asking for nothing in return.
She didn't respond to this, so we sat there in silence for a few minutes. She then started to get up and told me that she had to go work on school. I stopped her before she went inside and asked what she wants to do about her sleeping arrangements. She said she wasn't sure. I asked her if she wanted a separate bed downstairs. She said that would be fine and went inside.
I sat there for a few minutes to collect myself and think, then went inside. I asked W if it would work if I go get D5 a new bed (she is sleeping on a plain queen bed now) and move D5's bed to the basement. She said that would be fine. So I then told the kids we were going shopping at Ikea (best store ever, btw).
I took D5 and S3 to Ikea and we had a good time there. D5 picked out her new bed and we brought it home. W was buried in her homework and still looked pretty upset, so I kept my distance. W mentioned that her friend had texted to see if we all wanted to take our kids swimming. W said she told her friend she couldn't go because of homework, but I might want to take the kids there. I said that'd be great and then took the kids swimming, which was also a great time (D5 actually swam crawl stroke for the first time!!!).
When I got home, I had to rush off to a soccer game. The game went well (we won 8-7), but I pulled my hamstring. When I got home, I still had to put D5's bed together. I hadn't eaten a meal all day at this point, but it was 8:30 and D5 needed to get to bed, so I started that evolution. W was still doing homework on the couch.
The bed ended up taking me until about 11:00 to finish (that is the one downside of Ikea), and D5 loves it. I got D5 situated in bed and then finally had some dinner. When I finished eating, W was still doing homework, so I went to set up D5's old bed in the basement. That was pretty hard for me. Around 11:45, W came downstairs and told me she was done with her homework. She seemed very relieved. She then noticed I was putting the bed together for her and told me that I didn't need to do that. I said it was ok, and I wanted to do it because she was busy with homework.
She then asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. I said that would be great. She came back with the wine and then apologized for what happened in the morning. She said she was sorry and that she was just in a really bad place. I told her that I understand why she was feeling that way, then said I need to get to bed. Told her good night, and went to bed pretty much in shock that she had apologized.
Things were good on Monday. She was talking to me a lot and we went out to dinner and had a good time.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Navyguy - I can really relate - my sitch sounds similar to yours in a lot of ways.
W NEVER seems happy, well rarely - mainly when drinking! One thing I'm coming to grips with is that her happiness, or lack thereof, is HERS to own. I can try to understand it and her, but I cannot really do anything about it.
I've been trying to 'keep her happy' and it's been killing me. I've been trying to keep the kids from 'making her unhappy' and I fear that is going to screw them up too.
I'm working to accept her unhappiness and to try to bring my own happiness into our family life and hope it 'wins out'.
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
Navy Your wife is regretting sleeping on the couch, even if it's only because of her back. She doesn't like the couch, but is too stubborn to go back to your bed. So when faced with a contradiction she freaked out, and placed the blame on you. The fact that she couldn't handle the discomfort she put herself by her choices shows to me that she is not in the right state of mind yet.
Does she keep saying things like "I'm only doing this for the children" ? If that's the case be careful because she is building mental blocks to a true reconciliation. In the future she'll either get tired of doing it for the kids and leave, or will wait till you are empty nesters and completely flee.
I get the feeling that she resents her current situation.
Take the following advice with a grain of salt:
Next time she starts the self pity party, calmly and lovingly tell her. I can tell you are miserable with the current sitch. In fact it is very visible, and it's starting to affect the children, because they can tell you are not happy. I don't like seeing you so miserable, and if you feel you must go, maybe you should.
After saying all that expect her to fly off the handle on you, she'll probably accuse you of trying to kick her out. Calmly tell her the opposite holds true, and that is not what you want. You just want everyone to be happy, to include her.
The whole point of this is to make her conciously choose to stay without any pressure. This way she'll no longer have an excuse to stonewall you. Staying for the children also means staying for the M. Tell her you have to have both otherwise the children will pick up on this and grow up with very screwed up notions of what it means to be married.
I know it doesn't compare since I don't have kids but my W was sticking around "for my own sanity". During this time she was here but not interested in reconciliation. It wasn't until I showed her that she could go that she started re-evaluating why she was really sticking around.
I guess I'd advise against so much pursuit when she's upset. (It also comes off as nagging when you follow her out asking "what's wrong" more than once).
But you handled the convo remarkably well. She thinks HER LIFE SUX? Really?
B/C yours is such a picnic, paying all the bills, doing the bulk of childcare & cooking when you are there, ALL so SHE can pursue college...
she could use some "reality" therapy and since she won't go, at some point you will
have to CALMLY 'splain that there IS another POV...namely, yours.
If you didn't have kids, I'd be telling you to get some clarity from her ASAP (and end the insanity).
Since you do have kids, you still have to figure out what is tolerable for you long term. I know you know, this isn't.
Is her plan simply to get the degree to get a job that earns enough so she can take the kids and live on her own with your financial support and her income?
may I be so bold as to suggest that it IS her plan...? I'm pretty sure it's why she's saying "for the kids" when what she really means is
"I'm not financially able yet".
Does it hurt you to support her through school? Maybe not. Maybe you'd have to anyhow.
But it does prevent reconciliation if all you do is carry on the way SHE dictates.
I'm not saying give her the boot.
But Navy, her POV is so skewed I have to wonder how much letting her stew/fester and justify is really helping.
She's getting no feedback to the contrary. Know what I mean?
You're a good man. Take care my friend.
((( )))
PS
Today is our 30th anniversary and H is doing Reserve Duty out of town (unavoidable, although if I were truly heroic, I could've driven up 4 hours, gotten a hotel and waited for him tonight, though he'd be working again tomorrow, and if I'd gotten someone to watch d14 for the night...maybe??)
We promised to celebrate when he returns in 2 weeks...wow, I just got myself feeling guilty.
But we had a great trip to Europe for >2 weeks and it was beautiful. Didn't expect THAT 5 years ago...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well, the roller coaster has continued over the last 2 weeks.
W went to visit a friend in Ohio over the weekend, I stayed home with the kids. From my last post until Friday, things had been really good with W. She was nice, fun to be around, initiating conversations, etc....
At times it felt, at least emotionally, like we were married.
Thursday night she had to do a speech for her class (she is taking online school so she has to record her speech in front of an audience). I got home from work and asked her if there was anything she needed help with before our friends came over...she said "the house needs to be vacuumed, and one of us needs to go pick up a couple things from the grocery store". I said "I can do both" and then did them. Her speech went really well and we had fun hanging out with our friends that came over to watch.
After everyone had left, I was cleaning up and W had gone out on the deck. When she came back in she said "oh, there you are, I was just about to send you this text because I thought you had gone to bed, but now I can read it to you".
W: "Hey, you still up? Just wanted to say thanks for sitting in on my speech, running to the store, and taking care of the kids during and after the speech. And making it possible for me to go see Friend in Ohio this weekend." After she read it she sent it to my phone as well.
I told her she's welcome and it was fun.
Later, we were sitting on the couch watching TV and W watched her speech on the laptop. She was making fun of herself and I told her that she really did great and patted her on the leg. She seemed to not have any problem with the pat and we continued to joke and have fun until I decided to go to bed.
When I got in bed, I decided to reply to her text with this:
M: "You're very welcome. Great job on your speech."
Then I fell asleep.
She was leaving to visit her friend in Ohio for the weekend on Friday morning. She got up and everything was good. She packed up and said goodbye to the kids...of course no hug or anything for me. After she left, I picked up my phone and noticed she had texted back after I had fallen asleep:
W: "Thanks...were you grabbing my leg on the couch?"
Then 20 minutes later:
W: "Not trying to put you on the spot, just asking out of my drunken stupor"
I thought on that for awhile, then decided to call her. I told her that I got her texts just that morning and I wanted to respond so she didn't think I had ignored her. I told her that I patted her on the leg a couple times when we were watching her speech. She said that it wasn't a problem, and she had texted the question because remembered something touching her leg and she wanted to figure out what it was.
That didn't really make sense to me, but she seemed happy so I went along with it. We then had some more light chit-chat and got off the phone. She spent the weekend with her friend in Ohio (this is the recently D'd friend) and I'm sure they had a good time.
W got back on Sunday. When she got back, her attitude had changed. It was back to the short/one-word answers and not initiating any conversation. I had a soccer game late Sunday night and when I got home W had gone to bed. No big deal.
Then yesterday came around. W had mentioned to me that her A/C in her car stopped working on her drive back from Ohio, so I came home early from work to check it out and take her car to the dealership.
When I got home, W was sitting on the couch reading her school book. I was walking with a limp because I hurt my leg at soccer the previous night. I mentioned to W that I hope my leg is just a bruise, and she didn't reply. Then I told her I was going to take her car in. No "thank you", just "ok". I was in a pretty crappy mood because I was really tired from the late soccer game and because my leg hurt. I think she picked up on my crappy mood but thought it was in response to her.
Things went ok through dinner, and then we put the kids to bed. After that, W went outside and I went out to talk to her about her parents' upcoming visit, as I am trying to plan out the next few weeks so I can take some time off from work. When I asked about her parents' visit, it was a lot of "I" am planning to do this and that. No "we's". Almost like she's trying to keep me away from them. (She still hasn't told them what's going on with us). I have no idea what our sleeping arrangements are going to be when they are here. The last couple days they are here W is planning on going up to Pittsburgh with them (once again, "I" am taking them), so I asked if I needed to take that day off. She said yeah, that would be good. Then, as I was saying something she said her stomach hurt and went inside to the bathroom.
Anyways, throughout this entire conversation, I felt like I was talking to a brick wall, and when she got up and left, I was pretty upset, so I decided I needed to go cool off a bit. My car needed gas and we needed some flour and milk so I went out to take care of that...I didn't tell W that I was leaving.
While I was out, I get this text from W:
"Where's the fire? You took off?"
When I got home I went downstairs to put the milk in our extra fridge and W was laying in bed. I told her that I went out to get gas and milk and flour. She said "oh, ok". Then I asked her if she was mad. She said "no, just stressed from school and my stomach was hurting". I asked her why she sent that text. She said it was because I left without telling her. I said "I had to get gas so I could go to work tomorrow and while I was out I figured I'd stop by the grocery store while I was out. I didn't know when you were going to be out of the bathroom, so I just went".
Then I asked her if her stomach was feeling better, she said it still hurts. So I offered to get her some tums. She said she'd try them, so I went and got them. I brought them down and got her some water. Then I asked if she needed anything else. She said no, so I said good night.
Same deal today. Lots of one-word answers this morning. She is definitely in pull-back mode after a couple weeks of lots of positives. This pull-back is hitting me harder than the past few have...I feel closer to my breaking point than I have in a long time. I guess I was hoping things would pick up where they left off (or better) before her weekend away.
To paraphrase a famous Navy quote..."Damn the hopes and expectations, full speed ahead".
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Earlier in the sitch before your W went to OH and sent the text on touching the leg. If it happens again(it is cyclic and it might), try being flirty and see what happens. My W did similar things and i did not catch the drift. Later she told me that she got really tired of trying to 'lead me'. Just a warning. It could go either way.
Your W went to meet her friend who was D ?? oh man, that definitely says a lot about her attitude toward you. She could be projecting her fears, anger of her friend's situation.
One thing i would say is watch out for the situations where your W says "you left without telling me" like you did for gas. In my case when i did similar stuff W told me that she felt emotionally distanced and started resenting me. I am really not sure how that could be handled because at this point, your needs are not being met. I mean both of your needs are not being met. That only worsens the vicious circle. Maybe some pros will have a better advice.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
I had my last IC with my current counselor last night. Pretty much ended on a note of "I hope things work out for you but I also hope that if they don't you do what you need to do to take care of yourself". I told her that I will...I'm just not at my breaking point yet.
Things have still been pretty rough at home. W is still sick and having lots of back pain. She continues to be distant and difficult to talk to at times.
Last night she was standing in the kitchen holding some Tiger Balm that she was going to put on her back. I asked if she wanted me to put it on for her. She said sure, so I did. When I put it on I commented on how skinny she was - she hasn't eaten anything but crackers for a week because of her stomach bug - she replied with "except for my love handles". I told her I like her love handles.
Then we watched TV for a couple hours. When I got up to go to bed I walked past her and touched her shoulder and told her "feel better, ok?" She didn't respond. I don't know if she was upset that I touched her or what, but I went to bed.
This is so confusing. One minute it's ok to rub her entire back, and the next I get the cold shoulder because I touch her shoulder with my finger.
I wish I had more news for everyone...I know my story is getting pretty monotonous here.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
