Do what I can but still have questions 3

[soccerwife]

I realized yesterday morning that it is time for the "do nothing" technique.

H did not see me crying at all but it was reported to him that I was upset all day by S13. Which I guess is just as bad as H seeing it. I did make a number of mistakes on Sunday night and Monday morning. However, it could have been MUCH worse. I was still able to be a listener, validate his opinion, keep my emotions under control as long as he was watching. I just have to add in a few more things, like; don't encourage him to open up to me with what he is thinking about, and don't suggest that I will do whatever he needs me to do if I don't really mean it (he wants me to agree to see a D mediator).

Mistake #1, Since I was trying to validate his opinion, I had to agree to it, but I really didn't want to. That could have been avoided if I had not encouraged him to tell me what he needed me to do.

Mistake #2, I told S13 my side of the story, which made him angry with his father. I know, that is SO wrong. I couldn't help myself though. I was just so down and S13 was concerned. H had already told S13 his side of the story and so S13 was telling me to get over it and everyone could move on and be much happier than we are right now. So, I felt compelled to tell him that there are other options to make everyone happier and that I felt that S/D was a mistake. I told him I think his dad is under a lot of stress and is confused about how to get rid of the stress. I asked S13 for help in making the place a more pleasant environment (S13 is a VERY difficult child with a lot of mental/behavioral issues. Much of the stress in the house is due to him, although not his fault. I think that enlisting him in helping to improve the situation is a good idea even if I went about it the wrong way.) So anyway, H is p'd because he thought I was bad-mouthing him to S13 and trying to get him on "my side". And that is so not true.

Mistake #3, I let us get caught in a circular arguement. I had been really good lately at identifying those when they start and being the first one to say that we need to take a break from the conversation. It must have been the lack of sleep, but I let it continue and even followed him for 2 or 3 minutes around the house to continue making my point and I made sure I had the last word. I wish I hadn't done that.

On the bright side... I feel much better today. I was prescribed anxiety meds yesterday and, maybe it just the placebo effect, but I already feel less reactive/edgey. I slept great last night, no nightmares.

I plan to have a pleasant conversation with H today about the logistics with the kids for tomorrow (first day of school, S13 starting Jr. High, and D5 starting K-garten so tomorrow is a HUGE day!). I will go for a run as soon as I get home and then make everyone a nice dinner to celebrate the start of the new school year.

Another good thing... H is also starting back to work so he will not be sitting around the house with abundant time to think about how miserable he is. He will be kept busy. And he hates being busy, he will never find time to schedule D meetings. It might be a blessing that we made it through the summer without him leaving.

I plan to make every interaction with him during his first week back to school and soccer coaching a positive one, so he sees that home is a wonderful place. How do I do that... don't know yet. I will be talking with Laurie tomorrow.